Chapter Thirteen
Thursday Lunchtime
It was raining quite hard as Dan waited outside the town hall. He sheltered under his umbrella whilst struggling with guilt. Was it really right to wait for one girl, real and vital, whilst thinking of another, whatever the circumstances.
She hadn’t been around that morning, Tess wasn’t. Nor had she left any sign of her presence, nor made him a coffee. Dan had felt rather deflated. Now he was filled with doubts; was his day going to get better or worse? Why exactly was he doing this?
Jen was late. Dan wasn’t surprised by this but she wasn’t too long, appearing out of the staff entrance, struggling to put an umbrella up.
‘Sorry!’ she said, ‘I couldn’t get away. Forgive?’ She looked appealingly at him. ‘Nothing’s gone right for us two has it? Oh it’s all my fault. Should we give it up right now?’
Dan found himself warming to her, despite knowing he probably shouldn’t.
‘Hey,’ he said, ‘Come on, cheer up! This is just lunch, no expectations, right?’
She smiled.
She is pretty, he thought.
‘Where do fancy going?’ he said.
‘I’ll let you decide this time,’ she said, closing her umbrella and stepping under his, linking her arms through his, ‘I’m in your hands.’
The rain pattered harder on the umbrella, jumping off the well-worn pavement.
‘How about somewhere close?’ he said.
‘Good plan!’
They settled on a bar serving tapas just off the square. When they got in the door a couple of young men in business suits waved at Jenny but, although she waved back, she steered Dan away from them and towards a table at the back of the bar.
‘Let’s make it just us today?’ she said, ‘I was awful on Monday night, wasn’t I?’
‘No you weren’t. You’re fine, really.’
‘No I’m not. Hannah had a word with me.’
‘Yeah she’s good at that,’ sympathised Dan, ‘Honestly there was no need, you were just having a good time.’
‘You’re very sweet but you really can be honest with me you know. To be honest I’m surprised you’re talking to me at all.’
‘You’re just a popular girl that’s all,’ said Dan, picking up the menu.
‘Too popular for my own good, that’s what you’re saying aren’t you?’
Dan didn’t reply.
‘I’ll take that as a yes then.’
Dan looked up. Jenny was looking crestfallen. ‘Hey no, sorry, I was just reading the menu.’
‘Yeah, right!’ she said. ‘Don’t worry, Dan, I know myself only too well. I try too hard to be popular, to be everyone’s best friend and the girl every guy wants to be with – once,’ she added slightly bitterly.
The waiter arrived, his notebook open and ready.
‘What would you like to drink?’ he said, glad of the distraction.
‘Just sparkling water, please.’
‘Make that two bottles please, and I think we need a few more minutes for the order,’ he looked questioningly towards Jen who nodded, her lips pursed.
Dan waited for the waiter to get out of earshot then asked: ‘Why do you need to try so hard?’
Jenny shrugged.
‘It’s a bit silly,’ she said.
‘Go on.’
‘Promise you won’t laugh?’
‘Of course not.’
She waited a second, took a deep breath and then said; ‘I’m scared.’
‘Scared? What of?’
‘Being alone. Of people not liking me, not liking the way I am.’
Dan was genuinely surprised. ‘But you’re lovely. You’re great fun. There’s nothing wrong with the way you are.’
Jenny sat back, her eyes fixed on Dan’s face. ‘Fun maybe, but answer me this, and do it honestly,’ she said, ‘Would you want to spend a lot of time with me?’
Dan hesitated, and he knew as soon as he did that he had answered her question and that there was nothing he could say now that would tell her anything different.
Jenny was nodding, ‘See?’ she said, ‘Thanks for at least being honest.’
‘Oh Jen, no, don’t be like that, I didn’t mean it,’ he took her hands and squeezed them in his.
‘It’s OK, I know what I am. I’m just a girl for fun and that’s all, not one to be serious with. I’m the blonde bimbo, the girl whose chest is bigger than her IQ, a good shag, a fire-and-forget girl.’
‘Oh Jen that’s not true.’
‘It is true, I know it is. And what makes it so sad is that I’m shit-scared of losing even that. Isn’t that sad?’
‘Jenny you’re lovely, pretty and bright. That’s not going away.’
Jenny pulled her hands out of Dan’s and picked up her bag, rooting around inside it. She looked serious, sad even. Dan could not remember seeing her without a smile on her face. He thought she was reaching for a tissue but, to his surprise, saw it was a photograph that she eventually pulled out.
She didn’t look at it, but held it towards her, against her chest.
‘I’m going to show you something. There’s not many people get to see this,’ she said, still looking very serious, ‘just really good friends, people who I can trust.’ She started to pass it over, hesitated as if thinking it over, then held it out, face down, even though there was no one nearby. Dan took it, looking into her pale blue eyes. He was surprised; she was nervous, all the usual bounce and brashness and confidence stripped away. The Jenny that sat in front of him was a different person, one he didn’t know.
It took him a while to drag his eyes away from her face and to the photograph. He turned it over. It was a photo of a very plump girl, dowdily dressed, wearing glasses, her rather greasy fair hair cut very badly.
‘Do you recognise her?’ said Jenny.
Dan shook his head.
‘That’s me at 16, nearly 17 actually,’ she said.
‘No!’
‘Yes!’
Dan looked at the photograph more closely but he didn’t get much of a chance. She held out her hand for it, he gave it her and she quickly put it back in her bag. Dan noted she tucked it carefully into a flap of her diary which was then zipped into the inside pocket of her bag.
‘Yes, that was me. I was a geek, a sad little fat girl with no boyfriend. A hopeless little virgin.’
Dan looked at her more closely, ‘Wow, you’ve changed!’ he said.
She nodded. ‘Two great things happened: A gap year and getting into a university miles from home. I re-invented myself and then went where no one knew me and no one could point and laugh and say “fake”.’
The waiter came back, bringing their drinks then hovering expectantly with his notebook.
‘Shall we order?’ she said brightly. The smile and the façade was back.
Thursday Evening
To Dan’s surprise, Tess was in the flat when he got in.
‘Hey,’ she said, ‘How was work?’
‘Ok. Still busy which is good.’
‘Yes. Any chance of keeping you on?’
Dan wrinkled his nose, ‘It’s possible I guess. It’s just one instruction though, it’s not enough in itself.’
‘Better get on with those applications then!’
‘Yes better had. I’m useless at them though. Heavens knows how I’ve ever got a job.’
‘Well I’m a bit of a wiz at them. Want a hand?’
‘Yeah, that would be brilliant.’
After Dan had eaten, they settled down at the dining table to look at them. Dan placed each of the photocopied adverts in front of her and she read them carefully.
‘I see why you like the Abu Dhabi one,’ she said, ‘Development/investment manager. Sounds great. Have you been there?’
‘No. I’ve got a friend over there, well in Dubai actually. He reckons Dubai is a bit frantic but that Abu Dhabi is more conservative and quiet and a better place to live.’
‘Yes that’s about spot on. I was there a few years ago.’
‘Oh Ok. With work?’
‘No. I went with…someone.’
‘Ok.’
There was a definite hesitation there, he thought, and wondered why. She had told him about being engaged and how it hadn’t worked out, so surely she would have just told him if she had gone out there with him. So who was it then? Dan couldn’t help but wonder who it was and what he was like. He also couldn’t help thinking something else; whoever it was would have been able to hold her, kiss her. He felt himself getting jealous, even though he knew it was totally illogical.
‘…so I think it would be better, don’t you think?’
He suddenly realised that Tess had been speaking and that he hadn’t been listening. She was looking at him, clearly waiting expectantly for an answer.
‘Er,’ he said, ‘yes?’
She rolled her eyes and shook her head.
‘Where did you just go to?’ she said.
‘Erm…nowhere.’
‘Hmm, right. Let’s get on, should we?’
Tess did have some excellent ideas about how to tailor his CV to suit the job, working his way through the company’s website and promotional material as well as going through the job advert itself line-by-line. They then did the same with the covering letter. Dan thought it was the best application he’d ever made and said so.
‘Hey, it’s the least I can do,’ she said.
‘Why, what have I done for you?’
She smiled. ‘I think it’s more a case of what I’ve done to you I think.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well I’ve stalked you – sort of, moved in with you – sort of, taken away your peace and quiet…’
‘And sorted my shelves out,’ Dan interjected.
‘Sorted out your shelves, yes,’ she smiled again, ‘Oh and made you doubt your sanity, don’t forget that. That’s pretty good going in a week.’
They both laughed.
‘Can I confess something?’ he said.
‘What?’
‘I really like having you here. I really miss you when you’re not around.’
‘Even though it’s impossible that I exist and that, therefore, I must be a figment of your imagination or a representation of your insanity.’
Dan grinned.
‘Yeah that’s about right. I’ve stopped worrying about that though. You might have noticed.’
She nodded. ‘I have.’
‘In fact if this is madness then, actually, I wish I was crazier.’
‘What do you mean?’
Dan hesitated. He wondered if it was wise to continue down this track. He should have stopped whilst he was ahead and not let his yearnings speak for him.
‘It’s nothing, forget it,’ he said.
‘Come on, you can’t say something like that and just stop!’
‘I can.’
‘You can’t!’
‘Oh yes I can.’
‘You can’t – by the way, I like these adult conversations don’t you?’
‘I do yes. But I’m not saying.’
‘Well if you don’t tell me, I’ll be really act grown up and disappear.’
‘Hey that’s not fair!’ he said, adding, ‘hey, can you actually do that? I mean come and go when you want?’
‘Yes actually, I’ve been practicing, but don’t you dare change the subject! Tell me!’
Tess pouted. Dan tried to stay unmoved, his arms folded.
‘Oh please,’ she said, making big puppy dog eyes at him, ‘you’re a sweet guy, you wouldn’t be cruel to the poor dead girl would you?’
‘Oh and you call me sneaky!’ Dan made a tactical retreat to the kitchen where he opened a bottle of wine. ‘Shall I pour you a glass?’
‘Yes please. But please can you leave it in there? I’ve not tried drinking yet and I’m not quite sure what will happen. I’d rather practice in private,’ she said, adding, ‘and you’re still changing the subject. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.’
Dan poured the wine, all the time wondering how he was going to get out of this one. In the end he decided that there was no real escape route. He went back through to the lounge, put his glass on the table and sat out of range of Tess, then took a deep breath and committed himself.
‘What I meant was that I wished, if I was imagining you in a more…a more, physical way.’ Internally he winced. He knew that he could have put it so much better.
‘Dan Jackson! Really!’
‘Sorry, but you asked me to be honest. I want to feel you…er..I mean…’
Dan really thought he’d upset her this time but then he realised she was actually struggling to keep a straight face.
‘Sorry,’ he said.
‘Dan, it’s fine, I know what you meant,’ she said, ‘and if truth be told, I feel the same way, but…’ she held her hand up to stop him interrupting, ‘we can’t and you – we – should stop thinking like that right now.’
‘Why? It’s…’
‘Why? Because you have a life to live, Dan,’ she said quickly before he had chance to argue, ‘A life to live with real, living, breathing people, not with someone who is just a shadow of something she once was.’
Subdued, It was Dan’s turn to get up and walk over to the window, taking her place.
‘You’re a lot more than a shadow,’ he said stubbornly.
‘Dan,’ she said, coming to stand close by him. He saw her briefly raise her hand then lower it again, ‘Dan, I’m not. I don’t know what I am, to be honest, or why I am here. I can’t interrupt or interfere with your life because I don’t have one, it’s not right.’
‘Isn’t that up to me to decide that?’ he said turning to face her.
Tess moved away again.
‘No,’ she said firmly, ‘it’s not.’
‘Why not? It’s my life.’
‘Don’t be silly, you know very well why not. And there’s a why not is down to my rules too. You remember my rules?’
He nodded.
‘They need revising,’ he said stubbornly.
She shook her head.
‘No they don’t,’ she said, and surprised him by suddenly walking back right up to him, ‘And I’ll show you why they don’t.’ She reached out and stroked his face.
It felt cool, misty and gentle.
Keeping her hand on his cheek, she stood on tiptoe and pressed her lips to his.
She was cold, so cold, there but only just; it was the tenuous memory of a kiss.
She broke off, her hand raised to her lips, she looked shocked.
Dan tried not to shiver but smiled. ‘Different,’ he said.
Tess took a full five seconds to answer.
‘Terrible you mean,’ she said quietly. Dan thought she was struggling to regain her composure. She walked back to the settee and sat down, looking very pensive. Dan went back to the other sofa, sensing she needed space.
‘Not terrible at all,’ he said.
‘Liar. You shivered.’
He shrugged.
‘Look I was sick straight, after the first time I kissed a girl so as new experiences go, that was fine.’
Tess didn’t smile, in fact her expression didn’t change. She looked distant, shocked.
‘Did you feel anything?’ he said.
‘No,’ she said, rather too quickly.
He was about to say “liar” back but stopped himself in time. He could tell that something had happened, though he wasn’t sure what it was, but that now wasn’t the time for levity, now was the time for diplomacy. He stood up and went back to the dining table.
‘Come on,’ he said gently, ‘help me with this other application.’
Tess made no move.
‘Tess?’ he prompted.
‘What?’ she said looking up, ‘Oh, right, yes sure.’
They sat down at the dining table again and Dan placed the other job advert but she didn’t look at it.
‘Dan,’ she spoke so quietly he could hardly hear her.
‘Yes?’
‘Would you help me find out why I’m here? I don’t mean tonight or even tomorrow night but sometime. When I’m ready.’
‘Sure. Why?’
‘I just think it’s for the best. Now, no more questions please, Ok?’
‘Ok.’
‘I'm sorry,' she said after a few minutes, 'I can't concentrate, can we leave this until later?'
'Sure,' said Dan, puzzled but not wanting to make an issue of it. He watched her get up and walk over to the settee. 'Is there anything you want to watch?'
'What?' she said. 'Oh, no, it's OK, I just want to sit for a while. Sorry about the application. Give me a minute or two and I'll have a look at it again.'
'It's fine,' said Dan. 'Actually I've had enough myself. I was going to do a bit of my blog anyway.'
'Blog?' said Tess, frowning slightly, 'I didn't know you wrote one.'
'Oh it's nothing, just something I've used as a bit of therapy over the last few months. It's not something that I'd really want anyone to read.'
'Oh,' she said. 'Then why put it on-line.'
Dan laughed. 'Good point. It's well hidden and not advertised believe me.'
Tess did not reply. Dan glanced at her. She looked deep in thought.
Wondering, he started typing.
Thursday Night/Friday Morning
Tess didn’t go and lay with Dan to watch him sleep as she had done in previous nights. Instead she stood by the window staring out at the lights of the city.
Her fingers moved to her lips, remembering all too well how the kiss felt. The heat, the burning, the passion.
She made a decision.
It had to best to know when the end was. If she knew when it was then she could control it.
She had to control it, to take charge, to be hard.
She had done it once before, she could do it again.
She prayed.
No yet please God, please not yet.
Morosely she went over to the laptop, sitting in the chair that Dan had sat in. Almost absent-mindedly she ran her fingers over the keyboard. As had often happened over the last few days, she was surprised when her touch had an effect. The screen, which had been on standby flicked into life.
She almost got up, left it, she didn't want to pry. Her curiosity got the better of her though. Keeping herself detached, which she found worked best, she clicked on the internet history icon of the Opera browser that Dan favoured.
She gasped in shock.
There was page after page of internet pages about the same subject; murders and attacks on young women in Greater Manchester.
The darkness came so suddenly that she almost screamed.
She struggled to keep control. Was this this it? Was this the end? No warning, nothing? Just blackness, a void, nothingness?
But no, this wasn't nothingness, there was light it was just dim. And there was a noise, a low moaning. There was someone here. A child? No, it was a woman, a young woman. She was curled up in the corner of the room. Tess could now make out more of where she was; it was some basement, or a warehouse or something, somewhere run down, grimy, squalid and neglected. It was dank and dreary; Tess wasn't sure if she could actually smell or taste or whether everything was just memories and suggestions but there was definitely decay, rotting food, stale urine and damp cardboard.
And blood. Blood, pain, and fear.
The girl, the poor girl. Tess stepped towards her,
But then she stopped. There was someone else there. Someone was stood in the shadows, just by the girl, looking down on her.
In his hand he held a knife. A long, vicious, evil looking blade.
Tess had seen the knife before.
She screamed.
The light came on. She was back, back in Dan's flat. She was also shaking.
'What? What is it?'
Tess screamed again. Then her body was burning, she thought she was on fire. It took several seconds before she realised what it was and shrugged herself free from Dan.
'No....NO! Don't touch me, let me be.'
'But...' said Dan, his hair tousled, his eyes puffy with sleep.
'I'm alright,' she said.
Dan stood back, puzzlement showing in his face.
'You were screaming.' he said, 'Really screaming. Very loudly.'
'I know. I was just....' Tess paused. What was she just doing? She had been about to say dreaming but she didn't sleep, so how could she be dreaming. 'I...I don't know. I was just somewhere else. I saw something?'
'What? Saw what?'
'Nothing.' She shook her head. 'Don't worry...I...I...can't explain it. Maybe it was just a flashback...No!'
Dan had taken a step towards her, looking like he wanted to ho;d her again. 'No,' she said more softly.. 'I'm OK, really. Sorry I woke you. Go back to bed.'
Dan fixed her with a concerned gaze. Tess met it solidly, careful not to give away the fact that she was looking at his eyes, the shape and the colour, trying desperately to remember, wondering.
'Please,' she said. 'Go back to bed.'
'OK,' said Dan, still frowning. 'I'll see you in the morning...well, later in the morning anyway.'
'Yeah, sleep well.'
After he had gone, Tess sat on the settee with her head in her hands. What had she seen? And why? Why now, why here?
And why couldn't she remember? She knew she needed to.
She was almost certain – almost – but was almost enough? Was she just seeing the nice man and choosing not to see what was truly underneath?
No – she had to trust her instincts. She had to.