Chapter Ten
Thursday Night
Tess walked around the far side of the other two-seater and sat down almost apologetically.
Dan just stared open mouthed, not daring to speak or even move. Tess appeared to be in the same state although there was something in the way that she sat that suggested she was more prepared for this than he was.
Dan also sat down, mainly because he was afraid if he didn’t he would fall down.
He was not sure how long they sat without speaking. It seemed an age but, when he reflected later, was probably less than a minute.
‘Well,’ she said at last, ‘here we are.’
Did he dare try his voice?
‘Yes,’ he gulped, ‘here we are indeed.’
This was crazy. He must be crazy. She couldn’t possibly be here, she couldn’t just have appeared. This was wrong, so wrong.
‘That looks nice,’ she said.
It was a moment before he realised that she was looking at the bowl of stir fry that he still held.
‘Oh…Yes. It’s not bad. It was just something quick I knocked up.’
This is a surreal conversation given the circumstances, he thought. He should be screaming, running from the flat, seeking medical help, instead they were discussing his culinary attempts.
‘Do you want some?’ he asked, deciding to play along with his psyche.
She frowned, then shook her head. ‘No, I don’t seem to be hungry.’ She looked slightly puzzled, as if she was trying to solve some complex problem whose answer was close but remained annoyingly just out of her reach.
Dan looked down at his bowl.
‘Oddly enough neither am I now,’ he said.
Maybe, he thought, if I get up and turn my back on her she will vanish again. Maybe that will be the easy option he also thought.
‘Excuse me a second,’ he said, getting up and walking into the kitchen. It struck him how polite he was being to someone who only existed in his imagination. She had to be something he created; there was just nowhere to hide in this flat.
He paused for a few seconds facing the sink after he had put the remains of the stir fry in the bin and put the bowl to soak. He then took a deep breath and turned around.
She was still sat in the same place.
‘What time is it?’ she asked.
‘What? Oh, it’s just after 7.30.’
‘Oh.’
‘Why?’
‘Nothing. Well, I’m just missing Corrie. It’s not important though.’
‘Oh it’s OK. Feel free to watch it,’ he said, ‘help yourself.’
Surreal. Simply more and more surreal, he thought.
She smiled and moved her hand towards the remote but then she stopped, her hand hovering above it. It was if she was scared to touch it. She withdrew her hand, her eyes blinking rapidly. Dan realised that she was blinking back tears.
‘Let me do it,’ he said quickly and stepped over and selected the channel using the remote.
‘Thanks,’ she said quietly. A tear did indeed escape and roll down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away.
Dan put the remote down on the arm of the settee, back where he had found it earlier. His head still spinning, he walked over to the dining room table where he kept the laptop and switched it on. Whilst it booted up he sat down at the table and watched Tess.
Tess was watching the TV but her eyes kept moving towards him. When she saw he was looking she would immediately look away, only to return a few moments later. It was astounding how on edge she was, this was a different Tess. Before she had been confident, playful even. Now she was bordering on the fearful, a scared little kitten.
Well if she was in his imagination, if he was crazy then his insanity was highly creative. He had given her personality, interests, moods.
But if she was real why wasn’t he challenging her, shouting, demanding to know why she was stalking him, what she was doing in his flat?
Because she wasn’t there, that’s why, he told himself, you know she’s not real.
Creating an imaginary girl was bad enough; arguing with her would be really crazy.
The laptop was on now and so he opened up his CV. Updating it would at least occupy his mind. And he could add so much more to the ‘Other Skills’ section – a vivid imagination. He could see the line he could write – I see and have conversations with imaginary young women.
He laughed.
But then stopped when he saw Tess glance at him. It wouldn't do to have the figment of his imagination thinking that he was nuts.
He tried to concentrate on his updates. He wasn't surprised to find that he couldn't.
During the commercial break on the TV he noticed Tess was staring at him.
‘What are you doing?’ she asked. Dan noticed that she seemed to have relaxed a little.
‘I’m sorting out my CV,’ he said, ‘There are a couple of jobs that have come up that I need to apply for.’
‘Need to?’
‘Yes. I’m being made redundant. Once again.’
‘Oh I’m sorry,’ she said. Then, rather quickly she added; ‘will you move? From this flat I mean?’
He shrugged. ‘Possibly. One job is local but the other is in Abu Dhabi.’
‘Oh. OK.’
Coronation Street started again and Tess settled down to watch. Dan was now sure that she was a little upset, though she still seemed less on edge than she had done at first.
Ask her, he thought, for God’s sake ask her where she’s come from. It might be like having a conversation with himself but he was half convinced that this was the only way to solve the turmoil that his mind had created.
He didn’t ask her. Instead he tried to concentrate on revising his CV.
His mobile rang making him jump. He picked it up and looked at the display; it was Jenny. He hesitated – then pressed ‘accept’.
‘Hi Jen, you OK?’ he said, keeping his voice soft so as not to disturb the TV so much, again thinking how considerate he was being to his imagination.
‘Yes, I’m fine. Where are you?’
‘I’m just at home. Why?’
‘Oh nothing. I just thought…well…am I disturbing something?’
Only my mental breakdown, he thought.
‘No, not at all,’ he said, his voice still hushed.
‘Are you with somebody?’ It was more of an accusation than a question. ‘Why are you keeping your voice down?’
He struggled to come up with something to explain it. ‘Er…’ he began.
‘You ARE with someone! Well, OK, I guess I’ll call you sometime. Bye.’
She abruptly rang off leaving Dan looking incredulously at his mobile, trying to work out what had just happened.
‘Was that your girlfriend?’
‘No. Well she’s not my girlfriend. She’s a friend of a friend at work that’s all.’
‘Oh.’
‘Well, OK, I did go and see a film with her last night though.’
Now he was being defensive. This was getting worse!
‘Oh,’ said Tess, ‘I wondered where you were.’
Dan looked up from his lap top. This was getting creepy now.
‘Have you been spying on me?’
‘No…I was just…’
‘Just what?’
Her answer was not what he expected.
‘I was just…lonely,’ she gave a little apologetic shrug..
Dan put his head in his hands. This was just getting stranger, not easier but harder and harder to understand. And he was just sat here accepting it all! That in itself had to be insane. Well enough was enough, he had to sort out what was going on rather than just so willingly either accepting his own insanity or accepting that that she was a stalking head case and nit throwing her out and calling the police like he should have done.
There was no easy way, he just had to grasp the nettle.
‘Tess,’ he said, ‘How did you get in here?’
He expected either a long pause or some long winded explanation. Instead she answered immediately and succinctly:
‘You let me in.’ Her voice was quiet but firm.
‘I did?’
‘Yes.’
‘When?’
This time there was a long pause, so long that Dan wondered if she was ever going to answer.
‘The other night?’ she said at last.
He noticed that this wasn't a statement; there was a definite lift at the end of the word. She had been asking a question. But he couldn't get away from the actual words. The other night. Of course. The night that he had brought her back here. It explained nothing but instead it begged the obvious question which he had to ask.
‘If that really is the case, Tess, then where have you been since then?’ He was surprised at how angry he was, and how easily and quickly the anger came out in his voice.
But then he was also surprised by her reaction; Tess got to her feet and went over to the window, staring out into the now gathering gloom. Again it took her a long time to answer but Dan, despite his anger, waited patiently.
‘I don’t know,’ she said, her voice barely audible. ‘I don’t know. Sometimes I’m here, sometimes…I just don’t know. Sometimes I’ve been here and I’ve talked to you but you’ve just ignored me.’
She turned, tears were now rolling down her cheeks.
‘I don’t know what’s happened to me Dan. Since I was attacked I have blanks in my life. Huge ones. And people ignore me. I speak to them and they ignore me. I’m so scared, Dan, so scared.’
Dan found his anger had gone. He walked across to her, not caring about finding out more, he just wanted to put his arms around her. However, Tess though looked alarmed and held her hands up in front of herself defensively.
‘No!’ she said sharply, ‘No you can’t. Please, I don’t know why but please don’t touch me.’
Dan stopped.
‘I only wanted to give you a hug,’ he said. ‘I really think you need one.’
She nodded. ‘I think I do. I just know I can’t let you. I just don’t know why I know.’ She wiped her tears away, ‘I’m OK, really. This is stupid. I never cry. That's for softies. I don't know why my eyes have got so damned leaky!’
She gave Dan a weak smile.
‘OK,’ he said gently, ‘Come and sit down again, where you were,’ he nodded at the settee, ‘and I’ll go back to where I was when you came in. Please.’
She nodded and they both went and sat down, Tess wiping the last of her tears away.
‘I feel so silly,’ she said, ‘I was never one for crying. I was always the one in control, always the one that everyone came to when they needed a shoulder to cry on. Now look at me! Pathetic.’
‘You’re not pathetic. I can understand you being upset under the circumstances.’
Tess looked up quickly.
‘Why? What circumstances? What do you know?’
Dan was stumped. What could he say? What was safe or right? Was it safe for him to tell his imagination that she was just that?
But what if it wasn’t that? What if she was something else?
No. No Dan, those things don’t exist.
But who was she?
What was she?
She read the discomfort and confusion in his face and her eyes filled with tears again.
‘Please explain this to me. Please? Explain it how I can’t remember touching anyone since I was attacked. No one at all. I have not had any human contact since. How can that be? How?’
Dan stayed silent. He just couldn’t think what to say.
‘Wait,’ she said, clearly remembering something, ‘I have touched someone. I think I touched you the other night.’
‘Me?’ said Dan, ‘You touched me?’
She nodded, looking slightly guilty.
‘I kissed you. You talked to me and you were nice and…I kissed you when you fell asleep. Sorry, that was a bit wrong of me.’
Dan brought his fingers to his lips. He remembered…something.
‘I kissed you,’ she went on. She was frowning now. ‘I kissed you and then…another blank. And the next thing I knew, it was suddenly daytime and you were gone.’ She put her head in her hands, ‘Oh Dan, what’s happening to me? What happened to me?’
Dan took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. What could he say to her?
He opened his eyes and put his glasses back on.
Tess had gone.