Chapter Fifteen
Saturday morning
Dan was still angry when he woke up.
He showered, dressed and packed what he could into the car before he even opened the door to the lounge. He expected her not to be there but there she was, sitting quietly on the sofa.
‘Morning,’ he said.
‘Morning,’ she said, ‘look, about last night, I’m really s -.’
‘Ok,’ he said abruptly, cutting her off. He walked swiftly through to the kitchen and started making a coffee.
She followed him in, leaning on the kitchen wall well away from him as he clattered around.
‘You’re angry with me,’ she said.
A statement, not a question.
‘No,’
‘Yes you are.’
‘Just have it your own way then,’ he said, ‘now please leave me to get on.’
‘Dan,’ she said, ‘Please don’t be childish. Listen to me. You can’t be in love with me.’
He stopped, his hand on a tin of coffee grounds.
‘Who said I loved you?’ he said at last.
‘So you don’t?’
He didn’t answer.
‘Dan you can’t love me. It’s impossible. You just can’t develop feelings for me. It’s hopeless.’
‘Isn’t that up to me to decide?’ He reached up for the large cafetaire that he kept above the cupboard; he was going to make up a flask for the journey, ‘But no, of course, Dan can’t decide for himself, doesn’t know who he has feelings for and who he doesn’t. No someone else has to decide for poor old Dan.’
A mug fell out of the top cupboard. Dan caught it an threw it straight back in. There was the crash of something breaking.
‘Dan! Be serious. I’m…I’m…well, let’s face it, I’m dead. Why would you want to be with me?’
Dan just carried on making coffee.
‘Dan?’
‘Can you honestly tell me you don’t have feelings for me, Tess?’
This time Dan was pleased to see that Tess was momentarily lost for words.
‘My feelings don’t …’ she began.
‘You can’t tell me you don’t can you?’ he said turning to face her, ‘You see, you can’t can you? Can you?’
Tess said nothing. Dan turned back and finished making the coffee. He started going through the cupboards, picking out the food he was going to take with him and stacking into a large plastic box. He also packed some sharp knives, kitchen roll and plastic bags as well as a bottle of wine and the opened bottle of whisky. He picked up the box to carry it to the car.
Tess moved and blocked his passage.
‘No,’ she said, ‘You’re right, I can’t deny it. And that’s why I have to go. I shouldn’t have stayed at all once I realised what I was. I was selfish though, I wanted to stay for my reasons. But now I have to go. I can’t trap you in something that’s hopeless.’
‘Who’s to say what’s hopeless?’
‘Oh come on Dan, get real! Dead girl? Certain lack of warmth?’
‘So?’ he said stubbornly.
‘Come on, we’re grown-ups. Let’s talk about the elephant in the room: sex. What are we going to do about that? You may be the sweetest guy in the world but I’m pretty certain you’re still a red-blooded, fornicating male underneath.’
‘I turned down sex with a beautiful girl last night for you,’ he muttered.
‘Yeah and that’s just one reason why I think you really do need to go and see someone, a doctor.’
Now it was Dan’s turn to stare open-mouthed. Then he laughed. ‘You’re calling me crazy?’
Tess’s face was serious.
‘They don’t use that word anymore, but yes, I think you must have a problem.’
Dan shook his head.
‘You’re unbelievable, you know that?’ he said, then laughed again at what he had just said. He stopped quickly; given the circumstance laughing out loud like that at private jokes was not wise.
They glared at each other, Dan still holding the box. At last she conceded space and stepped out of his way.
He made one last trip to collect his coat and camera bag. She was sat back on the sofa.
‘So you’re going then?’ she said.
‘Yes,’
‘Do you want me to go?’
He was struck immediately by what she had said. She had switched from asking to go.
‘No,’ he said, ‘I want you here. Do you want to go?’
He knew he was risking things by asking. She hesitated.
‘No,’ she said at last.
‘Good,’ he said, picking up his coat.
‘How long will you be away?’
‘A week, maybe longer. Will you be OK?’
She gave a little smile, the first time she had smiled this morning. ‘I think I’ll survive,’ she said.
‘Ok,’ he said, ‘Well, I’ll be seeing you.’
He walked into the hall, Tess following behind. He opened the door, paused on the threshold, then walked out, locking the door behind him.
Saturday morning
Dan had driven for about 30 minutes before he pulled over.
He had experienced this before. When he drove, he found his dark mood lifting with each mile. By the time he was at the motorway junction his anger had turned to reflection and then, finally, to regret.
He pulled over into a filling station to have a think.
What the hell was he doing? This was really stupid – perhaps Tess was right, he needed help. But in the meantime…
He gave a big sigh, started the engine and turned back towards Manchester.
This, he knew, was going to be a big test of his negotiations skills. But it was worth a go.