The Resurrection of Aubrey Mill

Chapter Twenty-Five

The rest of sophomore year…well, I don’t remember much. The firsts I experienced the remainder of the year were mainly a compilation of some of the lowest points in my life. I’m not proud of them, but they happened and need to be acknowledged. So, here goes:
The first time I cleaned up my roommate’s blood off her bathroom floor. I refused to cry as the horrific memories resurfaced. There was no sorrow, no anguish, no tortuous sobbing. There was only darkness as I forced myself deeper into my oblivion until I couldn’t feel a thing.
The first time that I realized I was no longer a dog owner. Kaeleb must have taken Walter with him when he left my apartment the night I said his goodbye. I simply put his crate, his bowl, his toys, and his favorite Chuck inside Quinn’s room before locking the door.
The first time that Linda called after our discussion, hoping to talk as I’d promised. I led her to believe that I didn’t feel well and promised to call her soon. She reluctantly left due to her upcoming appointment and I told myself it didn’t hurt when we said goodbye.
The first time that Quinn’s parents were introduced to Raven. After they got over their initial shock, they let me know that Quinn would not be returning to school. They completely stripped her room, leaving it bereft of all things pink and sparkly, before heading to the office to pay the remainder of her lease. I felt nothing but comforted as I watched them leave. Her absence would allow me the room I needed to completely disappear.
The first time I changed the locks and denied Kaeleb entrance to the apartment. He banged on the door and screamed for me to let him in for hours. I never answered though. Not the first time. Not the second. And eventually after many other unsuccessful attempts, he finally stopped coming by.
The first time that I bought alcohol with the fake I.D. Quinn gave me and brought it to the apartment with me, finishing off the fifth of vodka in record time.
The first time I missed classes, ever, due to a weeklong bender.
The first time I accepted the recurring invitation to party at my a*shole lab partner’s place, only it ended up just being the two of us.
The first time I had sex, losing my virginity to said lab partner, remembering nothing but sloppy kisses, rough hands, waking up sore the next morning, and finding a used condom on the bedside table. I threw up as soon as I got home.
The first time I ran into Sabrina, who had the audacity to half-heartedly apologize for what happened at the club. I told myself it had nothing to do with Quinn when I kindly instructed her to f*ck off.
The first time I saw Kaeleb on campus as I passed through the cafeteria, laughing with a group of guys at a table across the room. I slunk back into the crowd, but watched him for a while, trying to convince myself that I was happy he had seemingly moved on.
The first time I received a D in two of my classes. The professors harped on the fact that mandatory attendance was required and explained that I could retake the classes next semester. Who knew?
The first time I stayed on campus during the summer, avoiding Linda who was recuperating after multiple surgeries. She called often, which I avoided, but I would always text her back, letting her know that I received her messages. I always apologized for not being able to be there and she believed me when I told her the reason was summer school.
I don’t remember much other than those specific items as I entered my junior year.
I continued to walk through life unseen, hidden and tucked safely inside my darkness.