The Resurrection of Aubrey Mill

Chapter Twenty-Four

I step out of the shower and grab my towel, quickly squeezing it through my hair and running it over my body. Once I’m dressed in my flannel pajama pants and T-shirt, I pause to eye the wooden doors underneath my sink and swallow hard. The contents behind them will be in use soon, something that will cause unbearable pain, but is necessary to protect the ones I love.
And I do love Kaeleb. I know this with absolute certainty. But I also know that my love doesn’t hold any power over the death that surrounds me. It envelops me in its darkness, an ever present shadow that hovers all around me, killing anyone who dares to come near it with its venomous mist.
I have to get him as far away from me as possible. I was selfish to think that I could ever live a normal life. To enjoy the simple things like the laughter and love of my family and friends, one of which is lying in the hospital while the other one is being eaten alive by the cancer festering inside of her.
As I hear Kaeleb in my bedroom, my heart shatters with the knowledge of the risk I pose to him. My poison has already spread to Linda and Quinn. I can’t let anything happen to him. I won’t.
Opening the bathroom door, I step out and am met with a sad half-smile as Kaeleb sits on the end of my bed, watching me warily as I stop and stare at his beautiful face. His hazel eyes are filled with apprehension and grief as he lifts his hand slowly and reaches for me.
“Wanna talk about it?” he asks as he takes the hand I offer him and pulls me onto his lap.
“No.”
I allow him to cradle me against his body and inhale him deeply. The soothing scent washes over me and tears line the bottoms of my eyes. His hand rises and strokes my hair, and I listen to his intake of air through his chest while watching Walter frolic in his sleep as he lies in the corner.
“Linda told me about your conversation with her while we were at the hospital. I know you’re hurting, Bree, and I can’t even begin to imagine where that beautiful head of yours is right now with everything that happened tonight.” He presses me away and peers into my eyes. “Please, let me be here for you.”
I stare through my tears into in his pleading eyes, and my heart skips within my chest, wanting so badly to just get lost in him one more time before I lose him forever.
My final goodbye.
Our heated breaths mingle as we hold each other’s gazes, the air between us caked with the urgency of the moment. I just want to forget the pain. The absolute agony that is tearing across my chest as I memorize his expression and burn it into my brain.
Slowly, my face drifts toward him and I tentatively brush my lips against his while running my hands up his chest. His breaths increase and I feel his heart pounding below my fingers as he curls his hand around the nape of my neck and brings me closer, pressing his mouth firmly against mine. Parting my lips, I fight back the urge to sob out loud as his taste floods my mouth, a taste that I never want to forget.
His warm tongue sweeps along mine, sending goose bumps along my arms as my hands make my way to his head, fisting the strands tightly between my fingers.
“I need you, Kaeleb,” I mumble against his mouth. “Please, take me away. Make the pain stop. Please…please…I need you.”
I beg him quietly until he wraps his arm around my waist and flips me onto the bed, our mouths working against each other as his weight lands on my chest, my legs circling his waist. I pull him as closely as I can, our movements becoming frenzied and frantic until I release his hair from my grip and my nails dig a path downward through his shirt. His groan fills my mouth before he breaks the kiss, working his way to the hollow of my neck.
With him hovering over me, feeling the heat from his body soothing my pain, the way his lips brush my skin with such gentleness and reverence, his scent overwhelming me as I breathe it in deeply just to find some sort of solace…I completely shatter. My chin trembles and tears escape the sides of my eyes, streaming into my hair as I release my hold on him and cover my face with my hands. My shoulders shake as a sob works its way through my throat, the anguish so potent it’s impossible to contain.
Kaeleb’s body stills but his lips press firmly against the skin of my neck, trailing upward to my chin and then to my cheek, kissing their way through my tears until they land on my temple. He remains there, the heat from his nostrils warming my hair as he mutters, “Let it out, Bree.”
He brings his hand to my face and pulls me against his cheek, holding me tightly as I cry. Tears fall endlessly down my face as I mourn for Adley, for my parents, for Quinn, for Linda, and for Kaeleb. Sobs wrack my body as I silently say my apologies to each of them, the guilt and sorrow filling my throat so that I can no longer speak. I allow Kaeleb to hold me tightly, in this moment, our last moment together as I open myself to him completely. There are no walls. There is only complete vulnerability as I cry for what I did to those I love. I allow him to see me bare, stripped, and unsheathed as I willingly relinquish my heart, fully giving it to him before I say goodbye.
I mourn.
I grieve.
I offer my apologies.
Kaeleb says nothing. He doesn’t need to.
With his arms wrapped securely around my body, his mere presence gives me the strength I need to let go.
And after hours of emotional release, I end up with my head lying against Kaeleb’s chest. His hold on me is still firm as I remain completely silent, fooling him into thinking I’ve fallen asleep. I listen to the steady beats of his heart until they finally begin to slow and as his breaths deepen, I twist my neck to confirm that he’s sleeping. Placing a tender kiss on his chest, I take a moment to breathe him in one last time before I carefully unfold his arms from around me and slide out of bed.
My defenses begin rebuilding as I turn away, the familiar bitter emptiness expanding and mounting within my chest, filling the voided area where my heart no longer remains. All love and light are extinguished. Grief, anger, and fear solidify into the cold blackness forming within me, its inky tendrils growing and spreading, smothering everything alive within me until Aubrey Miller no longer exists.
Only death dwells inside of me and I take comfort in it as it blankets my pain.
Goodbye, Aubrey.
As I take a seat in front of my mirror, my eyes land on the scissors in front of me. I’d used them to trim my bangs earlier tonight, but the sight of them now immediately reminds me of Quinn’s failed attempt. I’d be lying if I said that I’ve never considered the option, that I’ve never considered taking my own life to just be done with it, but I think somewhere deep inside, my need to punish myself overrides taking the easy way out. I deserve every ounce of it.
The isolation.
The unhappiness.
The constant grief.
The darkness.
It’s the penance I force upon myself for simply existing.
So I break away from the metal blades and inhale deeply in preparation.
Leaning over, I open the cabinet doors in front of my knees and pull out a cardboard box, placing it on the counter before opening it. One by one, I disperse its contents until it’s empty, and then set it on the floor by the chair. After dumping the makeup into a pile, I sift through it until I find the beginning step in my cloaking ritual. I rub the white powder into my skin, covering my rosy tone with its pallor until there is no color left in my skin. Next, I take the black eye shadow, caking it on and under my swollen lids, the ease of the ritual further numbing my emotions.
Slowly, I apply the dark red stain, and as it sinks into my lips, I grab the black box to my right, flipping it open and digging out my jewelry. One by one, I press them through the tiny remnant holes in my skin, forcing them through openings that no longer exist. I welcome the pain. Tiny blood droplets seep around each one, along my ears and eyebrows, trickling down from the piercings in my cheeks. Skull studs shine back at me on top of the trails as I place the final circular barbell through my nose, taking in a calming breath as the process is nearly complete. I then take the dye and shake the concoction in its plastic container, allowing the smell to burn my nose, effectively removing Kaeleb’s scent as I shake it.
“What the hell are you doing?”
My eyes find Kaeleb in the mirror, his jaw clenched, his body leaning in the doorframe as I continue shaking the bottle. I give him no response as I direct my stare back to my placid complexion. Lifting my finger off the tip, I lower the bottle to the top of my head and squeeze, but before I can apply the color it’s sent sailing across the bathroom. A thick black glob spurts from the opening as it hits the wall, the colorant landing in a puddle right next to the bottle as it hits the floor. I glare back at Kaeleb. He’s towering above me and breathing heavily, but I remain silent as I scoot the seat back, calmly walk over, snag the bottle off the floor, and turn back in his direction.
His hardened expression morphs into a pleading one as he reaches for me. “Bree, don’t do this.”
I take a step back, assuring I’m out of his reach, but he counters with forward movement. His voice trembles, the desperation in his tone almost enough to penetrate my steel shell. “I just found you.” His chin quivers. “I just got you back, Bree. Please, don’t do this. Talk to me.”
My emotions remain unaffected as I turn away from him and retake my seat. His face falls as I begin to apply the color, and once my hair is completely saturated, he sucks in a deep breath, anger replacing his grief as he slams his hand down on the counter.
“I’m right f*cking here! TALK TO ME!” His face reddens and the veins in his throat bulge from underneath his skin as he screams.
I barely have time to twist to face him before he steps in front of me and wraps his hands around the arms of the chair on either side of me. Lifting me into the air, he turns me away from the mirror and then drops the chair to the floor right in front of him. I land with a crash, but allow no reaction to streak across my face as I maintain my blank stare.
Calmly, I set the bottle down on the counter and release a sigh. “I’m done talking, Kaeleb. I don’t expect you to understand this and I’m not asking you to. The only thing I’m asking you to do is go. Leave.” My eyes then disconnect from his, finding the linoleum on the floor.
Kaeleb releases a growl of frustration before crouching down in front of me, forcing his face in my line of sight.
“You think I don’t understand? Christ, Bree! I was here tonight too! You think you’re the only one who’s hurting right now? I checked on Quinn first thing when I came here and she was asleep! Then I wake up to your screams only to find you both on the floor! You think I’m not scared of what could’ve happened? To either of you!” His chest rises and falls rapidly as he holds my eyes, the absolute torment in them forcing me to swallow deeply before responding.
Maintaining my unruffled composure, I reply, emotionless. “It’s not about me. It’s not even entirely about Quinn. It’s about all of you.”
His head jerks back in response. “What? What does that mean? All of us? All of who?”
“All of you, Kaeleb. You. Quinn. Linda. My parents. Adley. All of you.”
I watch his jaw tighten as he looks to the floor before raising his head. “So you’re playing martyr tonight? Sacrificing yourself for everyone around you? That’s your answer to all of this?” He narrows his eyes and shakes his head. “Bullshit.”
He presses himself off the floor, but bends at the waist and leans forward, meeting me eye-to-eye. “You’re not the only one to ever experience guilt, Aubrey. You think I don’t understand that? Feel it? After what I went through?”
Speaking through clenched teeth he adds, “I think about it every single day. How my parents could discard me so easily. The fact that my sister was hospitalized because I couldn’t protect her. I deal with that shit every day of my life. But at least I still live it.”
An aggravated growl passes through his lips as he throws his hands in the air. “I’m sick as shit of you using this,” he pauses, gesturing at my face, “f*cking aberration you call Raven instead of dealing with it. It’s ridiculous. It’s time to grow up and face it, Bree.”
My jaw clenches and I tighten my gaze back at him. “You sound like Palmer.”
“I’m sure I do,” he remarks with a bite. “I’ve been visiting with him since last year. You want to know why? Because I made the decision that it’s time to grow the f*ck up. Time to deal with my issues—the anger, the guilt, the women. Things that served no purpose in my life other than making me a shitty human being. It’s taking time, but I’m dealing with it. And I’m a better person because I made the decision to do so.”
He inches his face closer to mine. Raising his hand to stroke my cheek, his voice is barely above a whisper as he states, “Please, Bree. Don’t disappear on me now. I know you can do this. We can do it together. Let me help you.”
His eyes search mine until finally he lowers his hand, defeated. Releasing a long sigh, he shakes his head. “It’s no use. You’re already gone.”
Rising where he stands, he looks at me once more before turning away and opening the door. Just as he’s about to step out of the bathroom, he twists back slightly. “I wanted to be enough for you. Strong enough. Man enough. Enough for you find a reason to live again. To give you that courage and strength. But now I know you’re the only one who can do that, Sunshine.”
The corners of his mouth dip marginally. “As long as you continue to travel through life in this darkness, you will never know how beautiful your light truly shines when you let yourself love and be loved. Trust me when I say, it’s a breathtaking sight to see. You burn as bright as the sun.”
He dips his head and peers at me with saddened eyes. “You see, I found the strength and courage to fight my demons because of how brightly you shined. I hope that one day you’ll find that source of light and let it heal you, too. Because if you do, it will illuminate your path and eventually lead you home. To me.”
With that said, he leaves me in the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
Releasing a deep exhale, I tear my gaze away, leaning forward to perform the final part of the ritual as I place the cat-eye contacts in my eyes. The white covers the bright blue of my irises and coolness washes over me as I seal Aubrey Miller back into her grave.
And as I stare at my reflection, I say a silent thank you to Raven for allowing Kaeleb McMadden to continue his existence because the world is truly a greater place with him in it.
Goodbye, Kaeleb.