Waiting to cross the river gave Alex time to do some baking ahead, time to do laundry, and enjoy some rare leisure time. She and John had picked wild plums most of the afternoon, and she had baked plum pies. If she’d had the faintest idea how to make jam, she would have been tempted to try.
After putting away the pies, she lit the lanterns on the back of the chuck wagon, then smiled. “You’ve been so restless.” Usually, John was a man who didn’t display much agitation, but today he’d been edgy and he’d glanced at the sky a dozen times, as if wishing the day would hurry past. In the light of the lanterns, she gazed at his mouth and then away.
They hadn’t kissed again because she hadn’t permitted it. And to make certain that her resolve remained strong, she had stopped wearing gloves. The gleam of sunlight on her wedding ring kept Payton in front of her mind even while her body longed for John. Being an observant man, John had noticed that she preferred blisters and calluses to wearing her gloves, and she didn’t doubt that he had guessed the reason why.
“Thank you,” she said gratefully, as he pushed her chair up behind her and took the crutch from her hands. She’d been on the crutch most of the day, her arm ached, and her leg was tired.
Like everyone, she supposed, her thoughts had begun to turn toward the end of the drive and what it would mean. Her mind shied from saying good-bye to John; she could not bear to imagine that moment. But she’d begun to think about returning to her wheelchair full-time. She would abandon the crutch she had come to depend on so strongly. That had been her decision from the beginning, and she intended to honor it.
“It’s a lovely evening,” she murmured, wrenching her thoughts from the future.
John touched her shoulder, then pushed her toward the spot where they usually sat after she had cleaned her worktable for the night, close enough to the campfire to enjoy the songs and tall tales, but far enough away that they felt a measure of privacy.
Tonight, to her surprise, he pushed her past the outer reach of the light and into the darkness beyond. “John? What are you doing?”
He didn’t reply, of course, but the answer became obvious a few minutes later. When he set the chair’s brake, she saw that he’d chosen this site earlier. He’d spread a blanket over the soft grass in a spot where the air was scented by wild plums and they could hear the murmuring whisper of the river. In the light of a half-moon, she noticed a basket placed beside the blanket and a long narrow package.
At once, she knew what he intended.
Nervously, she wet her lips and felt her heart flutter, then sink. Please, she silently prayed. I’m not strong enough to refuse him. Help me.
Walking around her chair, John knelt before her, his hands on the arms of her wheelchair, his expressive eyes on her face. Alex sucked in a deep breath and held it until her lungs burned. Tears pricked her eyes because tonight would destroy them. Once and for all, she had to reject him, had to make him understand that she had no right to take the happiness he was offering. When he finally accepted there was no place for him in her life, he would leave. She had so hoped they would have a little more time, that they could stay together until Abilene.
Placing a trembling hand on his cheek, she gazed deeply into his eyes, her own eyes sparkling with tears. “I can’t,” she whispered. “I’ll always be married, John. You know why.”
But God help her, that wasn’t the only reason for refusing him. There was another, equally compelling reason, one that propped her obligation to Payton. Once she’d had a lovely whole body that she had been shyly proud of. Now her body was mangled and incomplete. She didn’t want John to see her naked, it would shame her. That above all made it possible for her to refuse something she tried to pretend she had not dreamed of.
He reached for her hand and gently removed it from his cheek. And then, before Alex realized what he intended, he slipped the gold band from her finger. Shock rendered her speechless. Stunned, she gripped the arms of the chair as he stood, having no idea what he would do. Then she cried out, and her hands flew to her chest when he brought back his arm and threw her ring toward the willows and plum bushes lining the banks of the river.
“Oh my God!” Trembling and white-faced, she stared up at him in the moonlight. “How dare you… you had no right! No right!” Shock and outrage widened her eyes. Shaking violently, she dropped her hands to the wheels, fumbling to release the brake. “I’ll never find it! Oh God. How could you do that? How could you dare do that?”
Dropping to his knees in front of her, he caught her hands and held them so tightly that she couldn’t struggle free though she fought him and tried.
“I love you, Alex.”
Her heart stopped. She couldn’t believe that he’d spoken. Thunderstruck, she stared into his steady gaze.