Les did understand. Freddy intended to follow her heart even if the road was a short one that ended in Abilene. Once Les would have taken a high tone of moral superiority, would have snapped out a judgmental and scathing reply. Now, she examined her own heart and tried to be as honest as she could. “What you do doesn’t change who you are,” she said finally. “And who you are is a sister I admire and respect.”
Tears glistened in Freddy’s eyes. She had waited years to hear those words.
Chapter 20
Initially Alex had feared Jack Caldwell would register a protest when John took over her doctoring duties, but after Caldwell asked John to treat his cracked lip, her concern abated. Without discussing it, everyone accepted John as the outfit’s doctor and the drovers brought him their injuries, mostly of a minor nature such as small burns, lacerations, cuts, and sprains.
The worse injury had been Freddy’s wound, and removing the bullet from her shoulder had been profoundly disturbing for John. Performing the surgery had forced him to face the reasons he had retreated from civilization. He had been different since that night. Alex would have said that he’d become quieter if that statement could be applied to a man who didn’t speak.
But that’s how it seemed to her. He rode beside Alex on the seat of the chuck wagon but oftentimes he was miles away in another time and place. At other times she noticed him examining his long slender fingers with a frown. Twice the drovers had brought him wounds to tend, and she had seen him instinctively balk and withdraw in his mind. Both times he had treated the men, but she had witnessed the inner battle he waged before he could force himself to do so. He was winning his war, but the victories came hard.
Alex slowed the mules after the pilot waved her off near the head of a small creek. There was no hurry to set up the nooning camp, as she planned rabbit stew using cooked rabbit leftover from the previous night. The meal would come together quickly. Personally, Alex didn’t care for rabbit, but the drovers were happy to receive a little variety, thanks to Luther’s hunting skills.
Easing the mules to a walk, she smiled up at a hot cloudless sky. Oddly, the open spaces didn’t alarm her as they once had. Perhaps it was because they were seeing more timber now, passing stands of oak. Or possibly it was because she had confessed her secret to the people who mattered most, and she didn’t feel the need to hide as she had when they began this journey.
So many changes had occurred since they all rode away from King’s Walk. Occasionally she thought about her father and believed she understood why he had insisted on the cattle drive. She and her sisters were no longer the frivolous soft women they had been.
“Win or lose, I’ll always be grateful that I had this experience,” she said, after sharing her thoughts with John. “Without it, I would have missed so much. I would never have known Freddy or Les or myself. Or you,” she added in a softer voice.
She braked the wagon near the willows lining the banks of the creek and reached for her crutch and her pistol. Ready for the noon snake hunt, a chore she truly enjoyed, she prepared to climb down from the seat, but John placed his hand on hers.
Ignoring the tingle in her fingers, she turned to smile at him, drinking in the sight of his deeply tanned, strong face and the grey eyes that could say so much. Before meeting him, she wouldn’t have believed that a man who didn’t speak could offer such depth of companionship. Nor would she have believed that she could ever feel this powerful a connection to a man.
Placing his hands on her shoulders, he turned her to fully face him. The expression in his eyes, on his lips, was one she hadn’t seen before. “John? Is something wrong?”
Then she understood and her breath caught in her throat. He was going to kiss her. Her first confused thought was: Why here and why now? Followed swiftly by: No, I can’t allow this.
But she couldn’t move away from him. The only sound she heard was that of her heart pounding rapidly in anticipation of a kiss she had both dreaded and longed for. A hundred times she had wondered how she would respond if this moment ever arrived.
There was no doubt what she should do. She should remember Payton and that terrible night. Payton would never again experience the thrill of a kiss, would never enjoy any of life’s pleasures. And neither should she.
But heaven forgive her, she yearned for John’s mouth on hers, had dreamed of his arms around her since the stampede. She couldn’t make herself resist. Helplessly, she watched as his gaze lingered caressingly on her lips then traveled up to her eyes. “I thought if this happened, it would be at night,” she whispered, trembling beneath his hands on her shoulders, “not in the full blaze of the noon sun.”