“There’s the dilemma.” Shoving his fingers into his back pockets, he stepped up on the bluff and looked down at the rushing, tossing waters. “I think about you all the time. It’s like you’ve possessed me,” he said without looking at her. “You know damned well what I want.”
Relief sapped the strength from her knees. She hadn’t been sure, had needed to hear him admit it. “I can’t stop thinking about that night in Fort Worth.” She’d even dreamed about being with him, the dream but a pale version of reality.
“Hearing that only makes it worse.” When he looked at her, his expression was almost savage. “I want you all the time. I wake up wanting you and go to sleep wanting you.”
“I thought you were avoiding me.”
“I have been. ‘You’re a hell of a woman, Freddy. And I respect you too much to take advantage of you. I don’t want you to walk away in Abilene thinking I used you or acted selfishly. I don’t understand this myself, but your good opinion is important to me. I need your respect more than I need your body.” He looked surprised and then amused to hear himself admit such a thing. “Which is saying a whole lot.”
No one had ever told her that she was a hell of a woman, and a lump of gratitude rose in her throat. “Thank you for saying that.” Before she could tell him that he had earned her respect regardless of what happened between them, he turned abruptly and strode away from her.
As she walked back to camp it struck her as ironic that she’d complained bitterly for a very long time about men treating her as if she were one step above a doxie and now she was upset because Dal insisted that he would not treat her that way.
After pouring a cup of coffee, she watched Alex shape sourdough biscuits in between slapping at mosquitoes, and asked, “Where’s John?” Usually he wasn’t far from her sister.
Frowning Alex pushed a lock of hair off of her forehead. “John’s been acting very mysteriously since the stampede.” Freddy didn’t have to ask which stampede. “He’s spending more time by himself.” Alex paused. “Removing the bullet from your shoulder was a big step for him. I think he laid to rest a lot of painful memories that night, and it’s given him much to think about. He’s changing, trying to return to the world.”
Freddy took one of the biscuits and tossed it in her hand. “Are you worried about crossing the river?”
“No. Are you?”
“No.”
They looked at each other and burst into laughter.
Then shyly and with many embarrassed pauses, Freddy did something she had never dreamed she would. She told her older sister about being a virgin, about the night in Fort Worth, and about her current dilemma. “You’re shocked, aren’t you? You think only a harlot would consider accepting a man on a temporary basis.”
Alex laid her crutch aside and sank into her chair. She wiped floury hands in her apron then waved Freddy down beside her. “Before this trip, I might well have…” The color deepened in her cheeks. “But I’ve learned a few things. One of the truths I’ve learned is that life is uncertain.” She leaned her head back. “There are so many things in life that we have to do, must do. And so many rules either real or self-imposed against the things we want to do. Are you asking my advice?”
“No,” Freddy answered, smiling. “But I’d like to hear it anyway.”
“Whatever you decide about Dal, you’ll have to live with the consequences for the rest of your life. And that might include a child. Will you look back and regret giving yourself to this man? Or will you look back and regret that you didn’t? No one can make the decision for you,” she added gently. “But if I were offering advice, I think I’d say follow your heart.”
Surprise was followed by quick tears. “I’ve been so wrong about you.”
“No, you weren’t.” Tears swam in Alex’s eyes, too. “I’ve been a hypocrite.” She drew a long breath. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you and Les.” Speaking slowly, she told Freddy the truth about running away to Boston, her life there, and how Payton had died. “So you see,” she said at the finish, “I have no right to judge anyone.”
“The accident wasn’t your fault,” Freddy objected earnestly. “You didn’t make it rain that night or cause the slippery road. Payton could have insisted on staying home. You’re wrong to blame yourself.”
“Thank you,” Alex whispered, covering her face. “More than I can ever express, I appreciate hearing you say that. Even if you’re wrong.”
“I’m not wrong. If John could speak, he’d say the same thing.”
They sat together, feeling closer than they ever had before. The moment would have been perfect if Les had been with them. But Les was at the observers’ camp, sitting with Ward and Jack Caldwell. She looked miserable and utterly hopeless.