I turned to Doug and asked, “But what about you, Doug? Do you feel loved by Kate?”
“Oh, I’ve always felt loved by her, Dr. Chapman. She is the best housekeeper in the world. She is an excellent cook. She is wonderful about doing things for the children. I know she loves me.” He smiled and said, “Now, you know what my love language is, don’t you?”
I did, and I also knew why Kate had used the word miracle.
Gifts need not be expensive, nor must they be given weekly. But for some individuals, their worth has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love.
YOUR TURN
Reflect on ways to give gifts even if finances are tight.
If your spouse’s love language is Receiving Gifts:
1. Try a parade of gifts: Leave a box of candy for your spouse in the morning; have flowers delivered in the afternoon; give her a gift in the evening. When your spouse asks, “What is going on?” you respond: “Just trying to fill your love tank!”
2. Let nature be your guide: The next time you take a walk through the neighborhood, keep your eyes open for a gift for your spouse. It may be a stone, a stick, or a feather. You may even attach special meaning to your natural gift. For example, a smooth stone may symbolize your marriage with many of the rough places now polished. A feather may symbolize how your spouse is the “wind beneath your wings.”
3. Discover the value of “handmade originals.” Make a gift for your spouse. This may require you to enroll in an art or crafts class: ceramics, silversmithing, painting, wood carving, etc. Your main purpose for enrolling is to make your spouse a gift. A handmade gift often becomes a family heirloom.
4. Give your spouse a gift every day for one week. It need not be a special week, just any week. I promise you it will become “The Week That Was!” If you are really energetic, you can make it “The Month That Was!” No—your spouse will not expect you to keep this up for a lifetime.
5. Keep a “Gift Idea Notebook.” Every time you hear your spouse say, “I really like that,” or “Oh, I would really like to have one of those!” write it down in your notebook. Listen carefully and you will get quite a list. This will serve as a guide when you get ready to select a gift. To prime the pump, you may look through a favorite online shopping site together.
6. Enlist a “personal shopper.” If you really don’t have a clue as to how to select a gift for your spouse, ask a friend or family member who knows your wife or husband well to help you. Most people enjoy making a friend happy by getting them a gift, especially if it’s with your money.
7. Offer the gift of presence. Say to your spouse, “I want to offer the gift of my presence at any event or on any occasion you would like this month. You tell me when, and I will make every effort to be there.” Get ready! Be positive! Who knows, you may enjoy the symphony or the hockey game.
8. Give your spouse a book and agree to read it yourself. Then offer to discuss together a chapter each week. Don’t choose a book you want him or her to read. Choose a book on a topic in which you know your spouse has an interest: sex, football, needlework, money management, child rearing, religion, backpacking.
9. Give a lasting tribute. Give a gift to your spouse’s church or favorite charity in honor of her birthday, your anniversary, or another occasion. Ask the charity to send a card informing your spouse of what you have done. The church or charity will be excited and so will your spouse.
10. Give a living gift. Purchase and plant a tree or flowering shrub in honor of your spouse. You may plant it in your own yard, where you can water and nurture it, or in a public park or forest where others can also enjoy it. You will get credit for this one year after year. If it’s an apple tree, you may live long enough to get an apple. One warning: Don’t plant a crabapple tree!
Decoding Deployments with Receiving Gifts
Speaking the gifts love language is still very possible during separations. It just requires a little more planning and creativity. Here are some ideas to get you started.
1. Send your service member care packages with favorite baked items and something he enjoys having, such as a special soap, food item, etc. Be sure to check regulations on what is allowed in packages first.
2. Create a special day honoring your service member. Have family and friends send cards, emails, care packages, which communicate their support of him.
3. Service member, bring home unique gifts for your spouse. Tell her when you’ve purchased it just so she knows you’ve been thinking of her.
4. For the service member’s birthday, make and send a cake-sized brownie and place hard candy letters on it that say “Happy Birthday.” Be sure to send candles, plates, napkins, and plastic forks so she can share it.