“Why do you say that?” I inquired.
“On the day our baby was born, he played softball. I was lying in the hospital all afternoon while he played softball,” she said.
“Was he there when the baby was born?”
“Oh yes. He stayed long enough for the baby to be born, but ten minutes afterward, he left to play softball. I was devastated. It was such an important moment in our lives. I wanted us to share it together. I wanted him to be there with me. Don deserted me to play.”
That husband may have sent her a dozen roses, but they would not have spoken as loudly as his presence in the hospital room beside her. I could tell Jan was deeply hurt by that experience. The “baby” was now fifteen years old, and she was talking about the event with all the emotion as though it had happened yesterday. I probed further. “Have you based your conclusion that Don loves softball more than he loves you on this one experience?”
“No,” she said. “On the day of my mother’s funeral, he also played softball.”
“Did he go to the funeral?”
“Yes, he did. He went to the funeral, but as soon as it was over, he left to play softball. I couldn’t believe it. My brothers and sisters came to the house with me, but my husband was playing softball.”
Later, I asked Don about those two events. “I had done what I thought was important to her, but it wasn’t enough,” said Don. “She has never let me forget those two days. She says I love softball more than I love her. That’s ridiculous.”
He was a sincere husband who failed to understand the tremendous power of presence. His being there for his wife was more important than anything else in her mind. Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts. Your body becomes the symbol of your love. Remove the symbol, and the sense of love evaporates. In counseling, Don and Jan worked through the hurts and misunderstandings of the past. Eventually, Jan was able to forgive him, and Don came to understand why his presence was so important to her.
If the physical presence of your spouse is important to you, I urge you to verbalize that to your spouse. Don’t expect him to read your mind. If, on the other hand, your spouse says to you, “I really want you to be there with me tonight, tomorrow, this afternoon,” take his request seriously. From your perspective, it may not be important; but if you are not responsive to that request, you may be communicating a message you do not intend.
When Claire’s husband came home for R&R, he was a changed man. He had survived an attack of sixty mortars. Twelve of his comrades had not. But the last thing he wanted to do was talk about it. “Jake would sit in the living room by himself and wouldn’t say anything, except to tell the kids to get away,” said Claire. “I didn’t know what to do. I just sat beside him on the couch and didn’t say a word.” Sometimes she put her hand on his knee or arm. One time she sat and held his hand for an hour. Sometimes he would squeeze her hand and cry. For eighteen days, she just sat with him as often as she could, never saying anything.
When the time came to bring him back to the airport, Jake gave her a big kiss and hug. “Sweetheart,” he told her, “I’ve never felt closer to you than I have in the last few weeks.” Claire was shocked. But from Jake’s perspective, she had given him the gift of herself, with no strings attached. He would never forget those weeks of silent companionship.
MIRACLE IN CHICAGO
Almost everything ever written on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some, receiving gifts, visible symbols of love, speaks the loudest. I heard the most graphic illustration of that truth in Chicago, where I met Doug and Kate.
They attended my marriage seminar and agreed to take me to O’Hare Airport after the seminar on Saturday afternoon. We had two or three hours before my flight, and they asked if I would like to stop at a restaurant. I was famished, so I readily assented.
Kate began talking almost immediately after we sat down. She said, “Dr. Chapman, God used you to perform a miracle in our marriage. Three years ago, we attended your marriage seminar here in Chicago for the first time. I was desperate,” she said. “I was thinking seriously of leaving Doug and had told him so. Our marriage had been empty for a long time. I had given up. For years, I had complained to Doug that I needed his love, but he never responded. I grew to hate him.