To ease some of the loneliness when he deployed, Nathan wrote a letter he would mail from the post the day he left. He also wrote a few letters to be opened in the days after he left. To Erin, taking the time to write letters and emails was an act of service.
Nathan’s primary love language was physical touch, but acts of service was his secondary. So Erin continued to perform acts of service at home with a greater love and understanding now that she had been trained to understand Army life by Army Community Service in the Army Family Team Building program. She became so passionate about helping other women avoid the pain she and Nathan had been through she became an award-winning volunteer, training other women, receiving the Helping Hands Award, and being inducted into the Order of Saint Joan D’Arc. Both Nathan and Erin have continued to read books about marriage and family, and live out a commitment of drawing closer in their marriage each day.
CONVERSATION IN A MILL TOWN
I discovered the impact of “acts of service” in the little village of China Grove, North Carolina. I was standing under a chinaberry tree after church on Sunday when Mark and Mary approached me.
“I have a question,” Mark said after introducing himself. “Can a couple make it in marriage if they disagree on everything?”
It was one of those theoretical questions I knew had a personal root, so I asked him a personal question. “How long have you been married?”
“Two years,” he responded. “And we don’t agree on anything.”
“Give me some examples,” I continued.
“Well, for one thing, Mary doesn’t like me to go hunting. I work all week in the mill, and I like to go hunting on Saturdays—not every Saturday but when hunting season is in.”
Mary had been silent until this point when she interjected. “When hunting season is out, he goes fishing, and besides, he doesn’t hunt just on Saturdays. He takes off from work to go hunting.”
“Once or twice a year I take off two or three days from work to go hunting in the mountains with some buddies. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.”
“What else do you disagree on?” I asked.
“Well, she wants me to go to church all the time. I don’t mind going on Sunday morning, but Sunday night I like to rest. It’s all right if she wants to go, but I don’t think I ought to have to go.”
Again Mary spoke up. “You don’t really want me to go either,” she said. “You fuss every time I walk out the door.”
I continued. “What other things do you disagree on?”
This time Mary answered. “He wants me to stay home all day and work in the house,” she said. “He gets mad if I go see my mother or go shopping or something.”
“I don’t mind her going to see her mother,” he said, “but when I come home, I like to see the house cleaned up. Some weeks, she doesn’t make the bed up for three or four days, and half the time, she hasn’t even started supper. I work hard, and I like to eat when I get home. Besides that, the house is a wreck,” he continued. “The baby’s things are all over the floor, the baby is dirty, and I don’t like filth. She seems to be happy to live in a pigpen. We don’t have very much, and we live in a small mill house, but at least it could be clean.”
“What’s wrong with his helping me around the house?” Mary asked. “He acts like a husband shouldn’t do anything around the house. All he wants to do is work and hunt. He expects me to do everything.”
Thinking I had better start looking for solutions rather than prying for more disagreements, I looked at Mark and asked, “Mark, when you were dating, before you got married, did you go hunting every Saturday?”
“Most Saturdays,” he said, “but I always got home in time to go see her on Saturday night. Most of the time, I’d get home in time to wash my truck before I went to see her. I didn’t like to go see her with a dirty truck.”
“Mary, how old were you when you got married?” I asked.
“I was eighteen,” she said. “We got married right after I finished high school. Mark graduated a year before me, and he was working.”
“During your senior year in high school, how often did Mark come to see you?” I inquired.
“He came almost every night,” she said. “In fact, he came in the afternoon and would often stay and have supper with my family. He would help me do my chores around the house and then we’d sit and talk until supper time.”
“Mark, what did the two of you do after supper?” I asked.
Mark looked up with a sheepish smile and said, “Well, the regular dating stuff, you know.”
“But if I had a school project,” Mary said, “he’d help me with it. Sometimes we worked hours on school projects. I was in charge of the Christmas float for the senior class. He helped me for three weeks every afternoon. He was great.”
I switched gears and focused on the third area of their disagreement. “Mark, when you were dating, did you go to church with Mary on Sunday nights?”