“Yes, I did,” he said. “If I didn’t go to church with her, I couldn’t see her that night. Her father was strict that way.”
I thought I was beginning to see some light, but I wasn’t sure Mark and Mary were seeing it. I turned to Mary and asked, “When you were dating Mark, what convinced you he really loved you? What made him different from other guys you had dated?”
“It was the way he helped me with everything,” she said. “He was so eager to help me. None of the other guys ever expressed any interest in those things, but it seemed natural for Mark. He even helped me wash dishes when he had supper at our house. He was the most wonderful person I had ever met, but after we got married that changed. He didn’t help me at all.”
Turning to Mark, I asked, “Why do you think you did all those things for and with her before you were married?”
“It just seemed natural for me,” he said. “It’s what I would want someone to do for me if she cared about me.”
“And why do you think you stopped helping her after you got married?” I asked.
“Well, I guess I expected it to be like my family. Dad worked, and Mom took care of things at the house. I never saw my dad vacuum or wash the dishes or do anything around the house. Since Mom didn’t work outside the house, she kept everything spotless, did all the cooking, washing, and ironing. And I guess I just thought that was the way it was supposed to be.”
Hoping Mark was seeing what I was seeing, I asked, “Mark, a moment ago what did you hear Mary say when I asked her what really made her feel loved by you when you were dating?”
He responded, “Helping her with things and doing things with her.”
“So, can you understand how she could feel unloved when you stopped helping her with things?” He was nodding yes. I continued. “It was a normal thing for you to follow the model of your mother and father in marriage. Almost all of us tend to do that, but your behavior toward Mary was a radical change from your courtship. The one thing that had assured her of your love disappeared.”
Then I turned to Mary and asked, “What did you hear Mark say when I asked, ‘Why did you do all of those things to help Mary when you were dating?’”
“He said it came naturally to him,” she replied.
“That’s right,” I said, “and he also said that’s what he would want someone to do for him if she loved him. He was doing those things for you and with you because in his mind that’s the way anyone shows love. Once you were married and living in your own house, he had expectations of what you would do if you loved him. You would keep the house clean, you would cook, and so on. In brief, you would do things for him to express your love. When he did not see you doing those things, do you understand why he would feel unloved?” Mary was nodding now too. I continued, “My guess is that the reason you are both so unhappy in your marriage is that neither of you is showing your love by doing things for each other.”
Mary said, “You’re right, and the reason I stopped doing things for him is because I resented his demanding spirit. It was as if he were trying to make me be like his mother.”
“You are right,” I said, “and no one likes to be forced to do anything. In fact, love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded. We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.”
Mark broke in and said, “She’s right. I was demanding and critical of her because I was disappointed in her as a wife. I know I said some cruel things, and I understand how she could be upset with me.”
“I think things can be turned around rather easily at this juncture,” I said. I pulled two note cards out of my pocket. “Let’s try something. I want each of you to sit on the steps of the church and make a request list. Mark, I want you to list three or four things that if Mary chose to do them would make you feel loved when you walk into the house in the afternoon. If making the bed is important to you, then put it down. Mary, I want you to make a list of three or four things that you would really like to have Mark’s help in doing, things that, if he chose to do them, would help you know he loved you.” (I’m big on lists; they force us to think concretely.)
After five to six minutes, they handed me their lists. Mark’s list read:
? Make up the beds every day.
? Have the baby’s face washed when I get home.
? Put her shoes in the closet before I get home.
? Try to have supper at least started before I get home so we could eat within thirty to forty-five minutes after I get home.
I read the list out loud and said to Mark, “I’m understanding you to say that if Mary chooses to do these four things, you will view them as acts of love toward you.”
“That’s right,” he said. “If she did those four things, it would go a long way in changing my attitude toward her.”
Then I read Mary’s list: