At the end of our weeks together as I prepared to leave that small island, Fred gave me a final token of his love. It was a crooked stick fourteen inches in length that he had taken from the ocean. It was silky smooth from pounding upon the rocks. Fred said the stick had lived on the shores of Dominica for a long time, and he wanted me to have it as a reminder of the beautiful island. Even today when I look at that stick, I can almost hear the sound of the Caribbean waves, but it’s not as much a reminder of Dominica as it is a reminder of love.
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn’t matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him. And it’s not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts, but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.
Mothers remember the days their children bring a flower from the yard as a gift. They feel loved, even if it was a flower they didn’t want picked. From early years, children are inclined to give gifts to their parents, which may be another indication that gift giving is fundamental to love.
Gifts are visual symbols of love. Most wedding ceremonies include the giving and receiving of rings. The person performing the ceremony says, “These rings are outward and visible signs of an inward and spiritual bond uniting your two hearts in love that has no end.” That is not meaningless rhetoric. It is verbalizing a significant truth—symbols have emotional value. Perhaps that is even more graphically displayed near the end of a disintegrating marriage when the husband or wife stops wearing the wedding ring. It’s a visual sign that the marriage is in serious trouble.
Visual symbols of love are more important to some people than to others. If receiving gifts is my primary love language, I will place great value on the ring you have given me and I will wear it with great pride. I will also be greatly moved emotionally by other gifts that you give through the years. I will see them as expressions of love. Without gifts as visual symbols, I may question your love.
When Davis and Anna married, they were so poor they used plain 10K gold rings Anna’s parents had bought them. Within ten years, they had paid off all their debt, had money in savings, and even were able to purchase a replacement class ring for Davis, which cost several thousand dollars. “But he didn’t splurge on a nice ring for me,” said Anna. “This was problematic. Every time I looked at my girlfriends’ left ring finger, I saw a diamond. But when I looked at my own, I saw a plain gold band.” For Anna, whose love language is receiving gifts, that seemed to shout that she just wasn’t worth a diamond.
“After five kids, ten years of marriage, and nine military moves, I felt I wanted that demonstration of love on my finger,” Anna recalled. Finally, she talked to Davis about it and tried to explain her love language without sounding materialistic.
Not long after that conversation, a set of Anna’s grandmother’s heirloom china dishes were stolen from their household goods during a move. When the settlement check came in, it provided some discretionary funds. For their tenth anniversary, Davis gave Anna a diamond anniversary band with ten stones to replace the plain gold band. “For the last fifteen years (we are celebrating our twenty-fifth anniversary this year), every time I look down at my ring finger, I feel loved by my military man,” Anna said.
Gifts come in all sizes, colors, and shapes. Some are expensive, and others are free. To the individual whose primary love language is receiving gifts, the cost of the gift will matter little, unless it is greatly out of line with what you can afford. If a millionaire gives only one-dollar gifts regularly, the spouse may question whether that is an expression of love, but when family finances are limited, a one-dollar gift may speak a million dollars worth of love.
Gifts may be purchased, found, or made. The husband who finds an interesting bird feather while out jogging and brings it home to his wife has found himself an expression of love, unless, of course, his wife is allergic to feathers. For the man who can afford it, you can purchase a beautiful card for less than five dollars. For the man who cannot, you can make one for free. Get the paper out of the trash can where you work, fold it in the middle, take scissors and cut out a heart, write “I love you,” and sign your name. Gifts need not be expensive.