Quality activities may include such activities as putting in a garden, visiting historic neighborhoods, shopping for antiques, going to a concert, taking long walks, or having another couple over for homemade soup and bread. The activities are limited only by your interest and willingness to try new experiences. The essential ingredients in a quality activity are: (1) at least one of you wants to do it, (2) the other is willing to do it, (3) both of you know why you are doing it—to express love by being together.
One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead. Fortunate is the couple who remembers an early morning stroll along the coast, the spring they planted the flower garden, the time they got poison ivy chasing the rabbit through the woods, the night they attended their first major-league baseball game together, the one and only time they went skiing together and he broke his leg, the amusement parks, the concerts, the cathedrals, and oh yes, the awe of standing beneath the waterfall after the two-mile hike. They can almost feel the mist as they remember. Those are memories of love, especially for the person whose primary love language is quality time.
And where do we find time for such activities, especially if both of us have vocations outside the home? We make time just as we make time for lunch and dinner. Why? Because it’s just as essential to our marriage as meals are to our health. Is it difficult? Does it take careful planning? Yes. Does it mean we have to give up some individual activities? Perhaps. Does it mean we do some things we don’t particularly enjoy? Certainly. Is it worth it? Without a doubt. What’s in it for me? The pleasure of living with a spouse who feels loved and knowing I have learned to speak his or her love language fluently.
YOUR TURN
What in your marriage detracts from spending quality time?
If your spouse’s love language is Quality Time:
1. Take a walk together through the old neighborhood where one of you grew up. Ask questions about your spouse’s childhood. Ask, “What are the fun memories of your childhood?” Then, “What was most painful about your childhood?”
2. Go to the city park and rent bicycles. Ride until you are tired, then sit and watch the ducks. When you get tired of the quacks, roll on to the rose garden. Learn each other’s favorite color of rose and why.
3. Ask your spouse for a list of five activities he would enjoy doing with you. Make plans to do one of them each month for the next five months. If money is a problem, space the freebies between the “we can’t afford this” events.
4. Ask your spouse where she most enjoys sitting when talking with you. The next week, text her one afternoon and say, “I want to make a date with you one evening this week to sit on the porch and talk. Which night and what time would be best for you?”
5. Think of an activity your spouse enjoys, but which brings little pleasure to you: NASCAR, browsing in flea markets, working out. Tell your spouse you are trying to broaden your horizons and would like to join him in this activity sometime this month. Set a date and give it your best effort.
6. Plan a weekend getaway just for the two of you sometime within the next six months. Be sure it’s a weekend when you won’t have to call the office or have a commitment with your kids. Focus on relaxing together doing what one or both of you enjoy.
7. Make time every day to share with each other some of the events of the day. When you spend more time watching the news than you do listening to each other, you end up more concerned about the Middle East than about your spouse. Or: When you spend more time on Facebook than you do listening to each other, you end up more concerned about your hundreds of “friends” than about your spouse.
8. Have a “Let’s review our history” evening once every three months. Set aside an hour to focus on your history. Select five questions each of you will answer, such as:
(1) Who was your best and worst teacher in school and why?
(2) When did you feel your parents were proud of you?
(3) What is the worst mistake your mother ever made?
(4) What is the worst mistake your father ever made?
(5) What do you remember about the religious aspect of your childhood?
Each evening, agree on your five questions before you begin your sharing. At the end of the five questions, stop and decide upon the five questions you will ask next time.
9. Camp out in the living room. Spread your blankets and pillows on the floor. Get your Pepsi and popcorn. Pretend the TV is broken and talk like you used to when you were dating. Talk till the sun comes up or something else happens. If the floor gets too hard, go back upstairs and go to bed. You won’t forget this evening!
Decoding Deployments with Quality Time
Those whose primary love language is Quality Time will naturally feel their love tanks being depleted during deployments. You may want to ramp up his or her second most dominant love language to help, but there are still several ways to experience quality time across the miles.