I spent an hour with each of them separately. I listened intently to both stories. I discovered that in spite of the emptiness of their relationship and their many disagreements, they appreciated certain things about each other. Bill acknowledged, “She is a good mother. She also is a good housekeeper and an excellent cook when she chooses to cook. But,” he continued, “there is simply no affection coming from her. I work my tail off and there is simply no appreciation.” In my conversation with Betty Jo, she agreed Bill was an excellent provider. “But,” she complained, “he does nothing around the house to help me, and he never has time for me. What’s the use of having the house, the recreational vehicle, and all the other things if you don’t ever get to enjoy them together?”
With that information, I decided to focus my advice by making only one suggestion to each of them. I told Bill and Betty Jo separately that each one held the key to changing the emotional climate of the marriage. “That key,” I said, “is to express verbal appreciation for the things you like about the other person and, for the moment, suspending your complaints about the things you do not like.” We reviewed the positive comments they had already made about each other and helped each of them write a list of those positive traits. Bill’s list focused on Betty Jo’s activities as a mother, housekeeper, and cook. Betty Jo’s list focused on Bill’s hard work and financial provision of the family. We made the lists as specific as possible. Betty Jo’s list included:
? He has received several promotions through the years.
? He is always thinking of ways to improve his productivity.
? He’s a good financial manager.
? He bought us a recreational vehicle three years ago.
? He keeps up with the yard work or hires someone to do it.
? He is generous with finances.
? He agrees I can use the money from my part-time job any way I desire.
Bill’s list included:
? She keeps our house clean and orderly.
? She cooks dinner about three days a week.
? She buys the groceries.
? She helps the children with their homework.
? She transports the children to school and church activities.
? She teaches first-grade Sunday school.
? She takes my clothes to the cleaners.
I suggested they add to the lists things they noticed in the weeks ahead. I also suggested that twice a week, they select one positive trait and express verbal appreciation for it to the spouse. I gave one further guideline. I told Betty Jo that if Bill happened to give her a compliment, she was not to give him a compliment at the same time, but rather, she should simply receive it and say, “Thank you for saying that.” I told Bill the same thing. I encouraged them to do that every week for two months, and if they found it helpful, they could continue. If the experiment did not help the emotional climate of the marriage, then they could write it off as another failed attempt.
When I called them two months later to check their progress, I spoke to them individually. I was amazed to find Bill’s attitude had taken a giant step forward. He loved that she was expressing appreciation for his hard work and his provision for the family. “She has actually made me feel like a man again. We’ve got a ways to go, Dr. Chapman, but I really believe we are on the road.”
When I talked to Betty Jo, however, I found she had only taken a baby step forward. She said, “It has improved some, Dr. Chapman. Bill is giving me verbal compliments as you suggested, and I guess he is sincere. But he’s still so busy at work we never spend time together.”
As I listened to Betty Jo, the lights came on. I knew I had made a significant discovery. The love language of one person is not necessarily the love language of another. It was obvious Bill’s primary love language was Words of Affirmation. What he wanted most from his wife was expressions of appreciation for his work. Betty Jo, on the other hand, was emotionally crying out for something else. That brings us to love language number two.
YOUR TURN
Share instances with your spouse when words had a profound impact on your life—positively or negatively.
If your spouse’s love language is Words of Affirmation:
1. To remind yourself that “Words of Affirmation” is your spouse’s primary love language, print the following on a 3 × 5 card and put it on a mirror or other place where you will see it daily:
Words are important!
Words are important!
Words are important!
2. For one week, keep a written record of all the words of affirmation you give your spouse each day.
On Monday, I said:
“You did a great job on this meal.”
“You really look nice in that outfit.”
“I appreciate your picking up the dry cleaning.”
On Tuesday, I said:
etc.
You might be surprised how well (or how poorly) you are speaking words of affirmation.
3. Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for one month. If “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away. (You may want to record these compliments also, so you will not duplicate the statements.)
4. As you watch TV, read, or listen to people’s conversations, look for words of affirmation that people use. Write those affirming statements in a notebook or keep them electronically. Read through these periodically and select those you could use with your spouse. When you use one, note the date on which you used it. Your notebook may become your love book. Remember, words are important!