Most of us have more potential than we will ever develop. What holds us back is often courage. A loving spouse can supply that all-important catalyst. Of course, encouraging words may be difficult for you to speak. It may not be your primary love language. It may take great effort for you to learn this second language. That will be especially true if you have a pattern of critical and condemning words, but I can assure you it will be worth the effort.
What happens when your spouse feels his or her potential has been thwarted? Let’s take a look at Jim’s story for one example. Jim’s wife, Sarah, always called him “The World’s Greatest Fighter Pilot” even in public. “I would feel slightly embarrassed when she said it, but secretly I beamed with pride at the same time,” he said. “My love language has been words of affirmation from the time I was a child. After my wife and I read The 5 Love Languages at a base chapel study, I realized why those positive words were so important. So did my wife. So she began to speak these words of affirmation often and freely, complimenting every act of kindness I did, every good decision I made, and every time I helped her out with the kids.”
But all of that changed dramatically when he was passed over for full colonel. “It was the death of a lifelong dream for me and I took it badly,” said Jim. “I felt the Air Force was telling me I was not good enough and it hit me hard. I’ve always struggled with anger, but I grew even angrier than usual after that.”
Jim also began to micromanage Sarah’s work at home. “I told her how to do the laundry, load the dishwasher, and season the soup,” Jim recalled. “My anger got so bad the kids couldn’t bring home friends for fear I would blow up. I began to hate the way I was acting, but I justified my actions by blaming the Air Force and becoming bitter toward the military.”
It was a vicious circle. When Jim acted unkindly, Sarah found nothing in his behavior to praise or affirm. “It seemed as if my wife’s words of affirmation dried up as much as my hope for a future Air Force career dried up,” Jim said. When she didn’t speak his love language, he didn’t speak hers.
At the breaking point of their marriage, they sought counseling with Jim’s base chaplain, who encouraged Jim to intentionally speak Sarah’s love language (receiving gifts) by writing her cards, bringing home flowers, or picking up little souvenirs for her when Jim went TDY. And he encouraged Sarah to grasp every small opportunity to praise Jim and speak words of affirmation. “At first, it was so hard, because I didn’t feel like speaking kind words,” said Sarah. “But as I asked God for specific things I could say to encourage my husband, things began to turn around. I’m so thankful for wise counsel that helped me do and say the right things to help restore our marital relationship.”
Jim and Sarah’s marriage began to regain the traction it once had. “We’ve been together ten more years since that season of sadness in our lives and it’s due to the fact that we expressed love to each other in a love language appropriate way—even during the hard times,” said Jim.
Love can be restored when you speak your spouse’s love language. Even difficult marriages can change rather quickly when you choose to love, rather than complain.
KIND WORDS
Love is kind. If then we are to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words. That has to do with the way we speak. The same sentence can have two different meanings, depending on how you say it. Sometimes our words say one thing, but our tone of voice says another. We are sending double messages. Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use.
“I would be delighted to wash dishes tonight,” said in a snarling tone will not be received as an expression of love. On the other hand, we can share hurt, pain, and even anger in a kind manner, and that will be an expression of love. “I felt disappointed and hurt that you didn’t offer to help me this evening,” said in an honest, kind manner can be an expression of love. The person speaking wants to be known by her spouse. She is taking steps to build intimacy by sharing her feelings. She is asking for an opportunity to discuss a hurt in order to find healing. The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will be not an expression of love but an expression of condemnation and judgment.