Giving verbal compliments is only one way to express words of affirmation to your spouse. Another dialect is encouraging words. The word encourage means “to inspire courage.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, and lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things we would like to do. The latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words.
Though Tricia had once been active duty herself, after she transitioned out, her identity became wrapped up in her roles as wife and mother. When an ombudsman position opened at Goodfellow Air Force Base in San Angelo, Texas, her husband, Greg, encouraged her to take it. The ombudsman is the spouse liaison for the command, answers directly to the commanding officer of a command, and is the person dependent spouses are supposed to be able to call whenever they have a question about their spouse’s job.
“You can do this,” Greg told Tricia. “Since you were active duty Navy yourself, you would be able to bring an interesting perspective.”
Bolstered by her husband’s words, Tricia volunteered. But when she learned her training would require a trip away from her family, she balked. “That trip was the first I would ever make ALONE to do something just for myself, aside from the occasional day out shopping,” she remembered. “It was a week long, was taking place over Valentine’s Day, and I had no idea what I would do without my children as my security blanket. Greg practically had to force me to drive away. Until I was about halfway to my destination, I kept wanting to turn around and go home. However, it turned out to be a fantastic trip. In addition to my training, I got to go to the beach and spend time alone, which was very relaxing.”
Greg encouraged Tricia to enjoy her own interests, even though it sometimes meant sending her away. Tricia said, “Ever since my first duty station (as a student fresh out of boot camp) in Monterey, California, I’ve been in love with the beach. My husband knew this. When we were stationed in Augusta, Georgia, however, our kids were young and we didn’t know people we could ask to babysit them so we could have a weekend away. So Greg suggested I go to Myrtle Beach while he stayed home with the kids.”
At first, Tricia felt like he was just trying to have time away from her. But she went, and came back feeling recharged, refreshed, and more in touch with herself. “Those trips gave me time to realize what was important to me, and to realize my husband was concerned for my well-being. Greg loved me enough to help me explore things I loved so that, in the event he did not return from one of his deployments, he could be confident I would not turn into a puddle of goo on the floor, a heaping, crying mess, unable to take care of myself, let alone my children.”
Greg’s encouraging words gave Tricia the strength she needed to develop her own potential.
Perhaps your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting your encouraging words. Perhaps she needs to enroll in a course to develop that potential. Maybe he needs to meet some people who have succeeded in that area, who can give him insight on the next step he needs to take. Your words may give your spouse the courage necessary to take that first step.
Please note that I am not talking about pressuring your spouse to do something you want. I am talking about encouraging him to develop an interest he already has. For example, a wife might pressure her husband to look for a more lucrative job. The wife thinks she’s encouraging her spouse, but to him it sounds more like condemnation. But if he has the desire and motivation to seek a better position, her words will bolster his resolve. Until he has that desire, her words will come across as judgmental and guilt-inducing. They express not love but rejection.
If, however, he says, “You know, I’ve been thinking about starting a handyman business on the side,” then she has the opportunity to give words of encouragement. Encouraging words would sound like this. “If you decide to do that, you will be a success. When you set your mind to something, you do it. If that’s what you want to do, I will certainly do everything I can to help you.” Such words may give him courage to start drawing up a list of potential clients.
Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement. With verbal encouragement, we are trying to communicate, “I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?” We are trying to show we believe in him and in his abilities. We are giving credit and praise.