Words of affirmation are one of the five basic love languages. Within that language, however, there are many dialects. We have discussed a few already, and there are many more. Entire volumes and numerous articles have been written on these dialects. All of the dialects have in common the use of words to affirm one’s spouse. Psychologist William James said that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation will meet that need in many individuals. If you are not a man or woman of words, if it is not your primary love language but you think it may be the love language of your spouse, let me suggest you keep a notebook titled “Words of Affirmation.” When you read an article or book on love, record the words of affirmation you find. When you hear a lecture on love or you overhear a friend saying something positive about another person, write it down. In time, you will collect quite a list of words to use in communicating love to your spouse.
Sometimes you may not know what to say at all. When Terrence came home from war, he processed what he had been through by telling his wife, Lillian, the same stories over and over again. “At first, I wanted him to talk about something else,” Lillian remembered. “But when I learned the war experiences were forever a part of who he was, I became a willing listener and a better encourager.” By allowing him to share his experiences, Lillian affirmed her husband when he needed it the most. She learned to express appreciation for what he had done. She told him how proud she was of him. Her words were like medicine to his wounded emotions.
You may also want to try giving indirect words of affirmation—that is, saying positive things about your spouse when he or she is not present. Eventually, someone will tell your spouse, and you will get full credit for love. Tell your wife’s mother how great your wife is. When her mother tells her what you said, it will be amplified, and you will get even more credit. Also affirm your spouse in front of others when he or she is present. When you are given public honor for an accomplishment, be sure to share the credit with your spouse. You may also try your hand at writing words of affirmation. Written words have the benefit of being read over and over again. While Luke was deployed, he learned his wife, Marlene, treasured his written words of affirmation so much that now, even when he is home, he buys her two or three cards at a time. “I love it!” said Marlene. “I have a rack up in my office where I keep all his cards. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve reread them all.”
I learned an important lesson about words of affirmation and love languages years ago in Little Rock, Arkansas. My visit with Bill and Betty Jo was on a beautiful spring day. They lived off base in a cluster home with white picket fence, green grass, and spring flowers in full bloom. It was idyllic. Once inside, however, I discovered the idealism ended. Their marriage was in shambles. Twelve years and two children after the wedding day, they wondered why they had married in the first place. The only thing they really agreed on was that they both loved the children. As the story unfolded, my observation was that Bill was a workaholic who had little time left over for Betty Jo. Betty Jo worked part-time, mainly to get out of the house. Their method of coping was withdrawal. They tried to put distance between themselves so their conflicts would not seem as large. But the gauge on both love tanks read “empty.”
They told me they had been going for marriage counseling but didn’t seem to be making much progress. They were attending my marriage seminar, and I was leaving town the next day. This would likely be my only encounter with Bill and Betty Jo. I decided to put everything on the table.