It isn’t enough to just be in the same room with someone. A key ingredient in giving your spouse quality time is giving them focused attention, especially in this era of many distractions. When a father is sitting on the floor, rolling a ball to his two-year-old, his attention is not focused on the ball but on his child. For that brief moment, however long it lasts, they are together. If, however, the father is talking on the phone while he rolls the ball, his attention is diluted. Some husbands and wives think they are spending time together when, in reality, they are only living in close proximity. They are in the same house at the same time, but they are not together. A wife who is texting while her husband tries to talk to her is not giving him quality time, because he does not have her full attention.
Quality time does not mean we have to spend our together moments gazing into each other’s eyes. It means we are doing something together and we are giving our full attention to the other person. The activity in which we are both engaged is incidental. The important thing emotionally is that we are spending focused time with each other. The activity is a vehicle that creates the sense of togetherness. The important thing about the father rolling the ball to the two-year-old is not the activity itself but the emotions that are created between the father and his child.
Similarly, a husband and wife playing tennis together, if it’s genuine quality time, will focus not on the game but on the fact that they are spending time together. What happens on the emotional level is what matters. Our spending time together in a common pursuit communicates that we care about each other, that we enjoy being with each other, that we like to do things together.
QUALITY TIMING
For those whose primary love language is quality time, the military lifestyle presents special challenges. Demanding schedules require intentionality. Timing is key. Service members, be aware that with each PCS, the fresh absence of friends from your last station will further deplete the love tanks of those whose love language is quality time. Investing in one-on-one time with your spouse during these times will reassure him or her of your love, and help ease the transition.
While the need for quality time may be felt more keenly in new environments, this is not a love language you can ever put on hold without risking harm to your relationship. Obviously, deployments are difficult (tips for coping with them are at the end of this chapter). But even while stateside, job pressures can threaten to squeeze out quality time with one’s spouse. During the Gulf War in 1991, Ted was a battalion chaplain, responsible for processing soldiers headed to Iraq. “This was during a time when they projected that thirty thousand of our soldiers would be killed in the first month of the war,” said Ted. “There was a lot of fear about down range, and I was trying to be a super chaplain.” While Ted took calls and met with soldiers at all hours of the day and night, his wife, Penny, was earning a master’s degree and raising two small children. They both worked hard, but had little time for each other.
In January, Ted began to make plans for Valentine’s Day to make up for months of long hours. So he arranged for child care, made reservations at a nice restaurant and hotel, and purchased lingerie at Victoria’s Secret for Penny. Valentine’s Day arrived, and the date went well—until Penny opened the gift.
As she lifted the lingerie out of the tissue paper, her face fell. “Oh. Thank you,” was all she said.
“That reaction reached into my chest, pulled my heart out and threw it on the floor and stomped on it,” Ted said. “I thought, ‘She doesn’t love me.’”
For three weeks, Ted and Penny felt cold and distant to each other, until finally, Ted decided to address what was bothering him. Her explanation shocked him. “When I opened your gift, I thought the only thing you liked about me was sex,” she told him. The evening had felt like quality time to Penny only until she guessed it was only a way to meet Ted’s desire for physical touch.
“That was a totally foreign concept to me, but I had enough wisdom to realize it didn’t matter what I thought,” Ted said. “It mattered what she thought. I realized I had better figure out how to show her I love her in a way that she understands.”
Since then, Ted and Penny have carved out time for regular dates, rather than waiting for the right moment and then splurging on a more expensive night out. “There’s far less tension between us now,” said Ted. “In fact, if Penny and I started fighting, the kids would tell us to go on a date!” Even the children knew Penny’s love language was quality time. When Penny’s love tank is full, she’s far more willing to speak Ted’s love language, as well.
Ted and Penny’s relationship demonstrates the connection between love and sex. Without love, the sexual relationship may be extremely empty. Keeping your spouse’s love tank full will also enhance your sexual relationship.
In their first year of marriage, Maria understood that her need for quality time with her husband, Jorge, took a backseat to Jorge’s responsibilities to the military. For weeks, she looked forward to being together again. But when Jorge came home from sea and immediately began making plans to visit friends, she was crushed—and angry.