“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked him shortly, though I knew exactly what it meant.
He shook his head and got to his feet. “I don’t want to upset you when you’ve just experienced a major loss. Apparently all we’re capable of is pissing each other off. I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to make you mad. I really didn’t. I just wanted you to know that I understand where you are right now. I really do. And if you need anything, you know where to find me.”
He picked up my keys and juggled them in his hand, seeming torn. I couldn’t believe, after what we had shared together and how decent he had been to me, I was taking out all of my anger and hostility on him. I wish I could take back what I said. I wish I could undo the hurt I knew I had inflicted.
But it was too late. And I felt whatever closeness we had established during the last twenty-four hours drifted away as though it had never been.
“I’ll leave your car at the apartment. Take care, Riley,” he had said before leaving me alone, and full of guilt.
After he was gone I was left with little time to obsess over Garrett and the state of our non-existent relationship.
The crazy whirlwind of planning the funeral and seeing to every detail was both a blessing and a curse. It helped me to focus on something. To keep my brain active. But it also left little room for my own grieving. And a part of me knew that suppressing it wasn’t good.
And that when it hit it would hit hard.
I had stayed with Mom until she practically kicked me out, telling me I had to get back to school. When I had protested and said she still needed me, she had played the biggest punk card of all.
“Your dad sacrificed a lot so you kids could have a college education. Don’t you dare step all over his memory like that. Now get your butt back to school and make him proud. Make us both proud,” she scolded me while she held back tears. I knew how hard it was for her to let me go. I hated to think of what the house would be like for her now that she would be living in it alone. But Gavin had practically moved back in since Dad’s passing. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this. My brother seemed to be making my father’s death all about him, but for now, my mother seemed to enjoy his presence, so I didn’t say anything about it.
I went back to Rinard College, hoping to fall back into my routine. Too bad I felt like some asshole playacting through their life.
But throwing myself back into school and my internship felt like what I should be doing. I put on the impenetrable “Riley is fine” mask. I had always been focused and motivated. Now I was like Riley Walker Super Student on meth. I filled my days with homework and extra hours at work. I did whatever I had to do to feel like my life had purpose again, just as my dad wanted me to.
And that purpose left very little room for any sort of relationship drama. I didn’t have the time or the inclination to worry about whether my avoiding Garrett was hurting his feelings. Maybe it was insensitive and callous of me after the way he had supported me, but I just couldn’t summon the energy to care.
I knew Garrett was most likely hurt and confused. Part of me knew that he was waiting for me to recognize that the moments we had shared in Maryland hadn’t been a fluke of hormones and grief. That it had been the beginnings of something real.
But the truth was I was terrified of “real.” I wasn’t sure what we had together could be something permanent and if I couldn’t count on it I didn’t want to waste my time. And even though I had seen the layers that were just below the surface of Garrett, I knew that he was still a guy without a plan and I desperately needed something concrete. Something I could depend on.
And I was convinced that Garrett Bellows wasn’t that guy.