Garrett had stayed for a few hours after we took my mom back to the house from the hospital. I had just gotten her to lie down and rest for a bit and had come out to find Garrett sitting on the back porch steps, looking out at the ocean. Gavin had gone home and Felicity had headed to a local hotel with her family to get settled and to try and take a nap.
Garrett looked up when the screen door slammed behind me and I gave him a shaky semblance of a smile as I joined him on the steps. It had been really cold and I tucked my hands under my legs to try and keep them warm.
Garrett’s hair had fallen in his face and I thought about tucking it behind his ear but I felt strange about touching him. I didn’t know what my problem was. All I knew was that everything had changed in the span of a few hours and I didn’t know how to fit this man into my new world order.
“I would ask how you were doing, but I know what a fucked up question that is,” Garrett had said, his hands hanging limply between his knees.
“And I would have told you it’s a messed up question and to stop asking me shit that should be self-explanatory,” I lobbed back, smirking.
Garrett’s chuckle was soft and ended too soon. “It’s going to be hard. The next few months are going to be fucking miserable. But just try and take it one day at a time.”
“Seriously? That’s your sage advice? Take it one day at a time? What are you a walking, talking self-help book?” I asked him, my lips quirking into a tiny grin.
Garrett shrugged. “Sure, it’s cliché. But it’s the truth. Loss is loss and nothing will make it better but time.”
I had looked at Garrett while he spoke and had thought about his tattoo. Blessed are the hearts that can bend; for they shall never be broken.
I got it. I really did. Losing someone you love smashes you into smithereens. It alters you in a way that I couldn’t, in the deep throes of my grief, believe I’d ever move past. I understood why Garrett had shut himself off, tucked all those messy feelings away. And why being with me, a girl with a self-professed chip on her shoulder, probably scared him silly.
“Is that how you got by after your parents died?” I asked, not knowing whether I was treading on forbidden ground or not. But I figured given everything we had been through together in the last twenty-four hours I had earned the right to some personal information.
And there was something reassuring about talking to someone who had been through something equally painful. We were both card-carrying members of the dead parents club and it was a crappy club to belong to. But having him there, understanding on some level what I was experiencing, was oddly helpful.
Garrett glanced over at me before turning look out at the ocean again. “After my parents died I lost focus. I had planned to go to college, you know. I had been accepted to the University of Virginia. I wanted to be a doctor or some shit,” he revealed and I tried not to look as shocked as I was.
“Really?” I asked and cringed at how incredulous I sounded. Garrett picked up on it however and I saw his shoulders tense. Great, I had just insulted the guy who was being my biggest support right now. Way to go, Riley!
“Yeah, I wasn’t always a total waste of skin, Riley. I used to have the 4.0 GPA and full ride to school. I was Mr. Extracurricular Activities. But after my parents died none of it mattered anymore. I was too old to go to foster care; I had turned eighteen at the beginning of my senior year. So in the eyes of the state I was able to take care of myself, but I was still a fucking kid. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Sure, I had a house to live in and money from their life insurance policies to keep me fed and clothed, but I was a mess. Total and complete freedom paired with a huge dose of grief, it was no wonder I fell off the freaking planet. I was out of control. I completely lost it.”