Garrett took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving the breaking waves on the beach. I felt like such an ass for judging him for so long. I had spent the last few months thinking I was too good for the likes of Garrett Bellows. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. I could live a thousand years and never be the girl this amazing guy deserved. And that made me feel very, very small.
“If it hadn’t been for Jordan, and Mitch and Cole and being in the band, I would have joined my parents in the ground. And even though my life went in a direction I hadn’t planned, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m headed down the only road that I want to be on. And that works for me.” He pressed his lips together and turned his eyes to me and I could see a flinty resolve in them.
I didn’t know what to make of this. He was showing me a tiny piece of his life. Showing me something beyond the guy everyone else saw. Yet at the same time he seemed to be warning me that what you see is what you get. And it was up to me to accept it or not.
But I was in no condition to ponder that. I couldn’t think beyond getting through the next minute. The next hour. The next day. The pain that lived inside me was all consuming and made it hard to breathe.
“I still make mistakes. I’m still a huge fuck up in so many ways. I changed a lot the day I lost Mom and Dad. I’ll never be that guy I was before they died. Those goals, that future, it seems so insignificant now in the grand scheme of things. But it doesn’t change the fact that I lost myself and I don’t think I’ve yet to find him again,” Garrett said, looking sadder than I had ever seen him.
“Is that the deal with the parties and the girls and smoking pot? You’re trying to find yourself? Because to me, that seems like a poor way of going about it,” I snipped, realizing I sounded mean. But I felt irritated by his life choices.
Here was a guy who had the world at his feet. He clearly had a lot going for him once upon a time. But he allowed himself to be derailed. To lose his focus. He was still drifting at sea without a clue. It was frustrating to see his potential wasted in the way it was. I would never fall prey to my grief in a way that would make me lose sight of me. I owed it to my dad. I owed it to myself.
Garrett’s eyes flickered with anger. “Yeah, maybe it is. But it’s my life, Riley. And they’re my choices. And I’ll never be sorry for it,” he said defensively. I knew he was giving me a very strong warning.
I just wasn’t in the mood to hear it.
“I think that’s a coward’s excuse, Garrett. Don’t you want more for yourself than playing in a second rate band hoping you’ll ‘make it?’” I asked using air quotes just to be obnoxious. Garrett’s jaw tensed and I recognized the telltale signs of his rage.
“I don’t expect you to understand. And because you just lost your dad I won’t tell you what I really think of you and your ‘life plan.’” Damn it, he used air quotes back at me. “I’m sure it involves graduating from college, marrying a douche like that Damien guy, having a mid-level career, popping out your two point five kids, and convincing yourself you feel fulfilled.” He was getting himself worked up and I was feeling a whole lot of anger.
How it easy it was to focus on this, being self-righteous and holier than thou, than to think about the way my life had just upended on itself. Anger was better than depression any day of the week.
“You don’t know anything about my life or what I want from it! What do you know about goals and having a purpose? Huh? Am I supposed to sit here and take advice from a guy who doesn’t want anything more for himself than to screw a new girl every week and hoping he never runs out of pot? Really? Give me a break!”
Wow, I was on a roll and being completely unfair. Garrett’s face shattered a bit and then smoothed out.
“It’s a good thing my heart can bend,” he muttered under his breath.