Once and Again

chapter Eleven



She watched her mother disappear into the other room and come back with a full glass of tea. When she thought it, she put it in quotes. Because it wasn’t tea at all, it was a splash of tea and a lot of bourbon. And she was on her third glass before eight in the morning.

Divorce papers had shown up the day before. Which, if it had been an isolated thing to see her mother this sauced, would be excusable given the circumstances. Only this had become markedly worse in the last week.

“Hey, Chris, can you please run to my place and grab my bag? I think I left it on my kitchen table. My keys are in it.”

He was up and out, with one last look toward their mother.

“Do you think he doesn’t know?”

“What are you talking about?”

Lily closed her eyes for a moment. “About the bourbon in your glass not being tea.”

“That’s a lie!”

She got up and went over there. Her mother tried to move out of the way but Lily leaned in and took a sniff. “I can smell it from over there and I can really smell it here.” This was more than she could handle. “How long have you been doing this? Since before Dad left? Secret drinking isn’t something that happens overnight.”

“You’ve got to stop reading those pamphlets at the doctor’s office. So I’m having a cocktail. It’s not like I’m swigging from the bottle in front of Chris.”

“You’re drinking bourbon at seven in the morning. You’re hiding bottles. You’re denying and defensive when confronted about it. None of these things are normal for people who don’t have drinking problems. He can tell. He’s not a four-year-old.” Lily hated it, but it was time to move to Plan B.

“Only if you told him! I’m careful.”

“Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to go to the counselor. Today. I’ll drive you or you can get a ride, I don’t care which as long as you don’t drive. You’re going to work out with her just what the hell the problem is and you’re going to work to fix it. If you don’t I’m taking Chris.”

Her mother surged to her feet and then wobbled. Disgust and alarm warred in Lily’s belly.

“He’s my son. You can’t take him.”

“I’ve been documenting all this on the advice of an attorney. I’ve taken pictures of the bottles in the trash. I’ve watched you fall and puke. I’ve watched you fall asleep at the kitchen table. I’ve watched your son despair that his mother has abandoned him just as surely as his father. I will take him and it will be for the best. Dad won’t do a thing, especially when he learns this house belongs to me and not you. Even if he did break the trust, it’s still not his. Nancy won’t help you if you don’t have any money. I’m all you’ve got, Mom.”

Chris hollered from the driveway and she moved to the door. “Don’t test me. I’ve had enough. His last day of school is in three days. Then he’s off to that wilderness camp my friend runs for three weeks. You can use that time to get yourself straight. Don’t blow it.” She paused and then turned before she left. “I love you, Mom. I want you to get better. I want to help you. But you have to take the first steps on your own. If losing Chris isn’t enough, I can’t help you at all. Please do the right thing. He needs you. I need you.”





She drove Chris to school; trying not to think about the scene she’d just left.

“She’s drunk isn’t she?”

Lily sighed. “Not yet. But she will be soon. I’m sorry. I’ve tried to shield you as best I can. But I don’t think lying is going to help you much.”

“It all started in the months before Dad left. It was all right at first. Just a few nights a week and then every day and then all day long by the first weeks after he’d left. Then the pills. For a while the drinking stopped when she began the pills. I thought they helped her. I guess it started again when I got into trouble.”

She pulled into a spot and turned to him. “This is not your fault. Do you understand me? She’s our mom and we love her and I want to help her. But her issues are her own. She’s a grown woman and she knows better, which is why she hides it. It might be difficult, I’ve just told her she has to get help or I’m bringing you to live with me. I’ll let her stay in the house, but I can’t have you there with her. I can’t trust her not to burn the place down at this point. I’ve taken the spark plugs out of her engine so she can’t drive. Not that people are inviting her anywhere these days.” Her friends had come around less and less as her problems had estranged her from people more often.

“You’d do that? Take me from her even if you know she’d get worse without me around?”

“She’s an adult. You’re not. I’m one person and I can’t fix everyone. You need me and she’s an idiot if she can’t see you need her too. But if I have to choose, I choose you.” It probably made her a monster, but it was something she was willing to be to keep him safe.

But he didn’t get angry at her. He leaned over and hugged her tight. For a brief time he felt so very young and fragile, and she ached for him. “I love you. Thank you for coming. I know I’ve been a jerk. I’m trying to be better. We can fix her, right?” He sat back and she tried very hard not to cry.

“You’re a barely sixteen-year-old boy. You get to be a jerk sometimes. Just sometimes so don’t get used to it. And I hope we can help her. I’m doing everything I can. Go to school. I’ll see you this afternoon. I’m going to tell you to try not to worry about it, but I know you will. I love you, kiddo.”

And he was gone.





She ended up in the Honey Bear, drinking a very large coffee and looking over the shots she’d taken throughout the last week. She’d been so busy she’d barely had time to eat, much less see Nathan. But she knew she was partly avoiding him. She’d begged off the Sunday dinner at the Chase house and had ignored her phone. It was only a matter of time before he came to hunt her down.

And maybe that’s what she was waiting for.

“I heard you’d be here.” Beth slid into the booth across from Lily, who turned around to see William send her a wave.

“Gonna have to start drinking my coffee elsewhere. You Murphys are far too smart for your own good.”

“Nathan was a grumpy a*shole all weekend long. You want to tell me why?”

“’Cause he’s naturally grumpy with assaholic tendencies?”

Beth laughed. “Well aside from that. Though we both know the man is ridiculously hard to agitate.”

“I must be naturally gifted. Anyway, Friday I dropped Chris off at school and went to see Edward Chase. Well not him, but one of his partners. I needed to talk to an attorney about whether or not I could take Chris away from my mother if her drinking got any worse.”

Beth heaved a long sigh. “Christ. Really? I’m sorry. So totally sorry. You know I love your mother. She was more a mother to me than my own ever has been.”

“But you had Tate, and Tate never would have drank three full glasses of bourbon before eight in the morning and made believe everyone was fooled it was tea.”

“No, no you’re doing the right thing. I imagine my life would have been a lot different if we’d had someone who was willing to do that for us kids. So what are your options?”

“Today I told her that she needed to see the counselor and figure out a way to get herself healthy again or I’d take Chris. I know my father won’t do a thing. Nancy is useless. She doesn’t even have a place to live. They said the court would likely ask Chris what he wanted. I didn’t tell him that. I don’t want to make him choose. I don’t want him to have to deal with this at all. I came here to help him and I feel like a total failure. And your brother and I fought because he got in my business and I told him to back off.”

“You can’t possibly think it’s over between the two of you.” Beth stole half of Lily’s cinnamon roll. “He adores you. I know you love him too, so don’t even bother trying to deny it to me.”

“You better have taken the half with all the raisins.” Lily inspected the remaining bit of the roll and took a bite, satisfied that she was safe from the passel of raisins on the side she’d been avoiding.

“They have cinnamon rolls without raisins here. You do know that, right?”

“I do. But they put more glaze on the raisin ones. Probably to hide the raisins. But I like glaze.”

Beth looked at her and raised a brow. “I heard that about you.”

She burst out laughing. “What a filthy mind you have. Can’t imagine why you’re single with a brain as dirty as the one you’ve got. Cripes. Anyway, I don’t think we’re broken up. He’s respecting my space and I appreciate it.”

“It’s year end. He’s always totally busy with grades, finals and all that. School has a zillion meetings. He’s working every day and night too. He’s not much of a space giver. I know he messed up before, but other than that, you know I’m telling the truth. He’s an up-in-your-business sort of man. And he misses you. He’s hurting and worried he pushed you too far.”

“I should have known he told you all about it.”

“He didn’t. He told Tate, who then told me like he knew she would. Boys. So dumb. Anyway, I think you should swing by my house tonight.”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to leave Chris alone with my mom.”

“Bring him along. I’ve got an Xbox and all kinds of violent games that are totally inappropriate for him. I’m ordering pizzas anyway. Come on. You need the break and he likes being around Jake.”

Her brother did tend to totally idolize Jacob Murphy, who wasn’t quite ten years older than he was. Jake split his time between Kyle Chase’s landscaping business and Tim’s plumbing business. He was a hard worker and was trying to figure out his future after college. A good influence on Chris.

“If you’re sure. And it’s not… Well Chris doesn’t know about me and Nathan.”

“Got it. No one is going to say anything. Nathan has told us all to keep it quiet until the summer. Which is only three days from now, I should remind you. You know, just in case you forgot or something.”

“It’s a good thing you’re not a professional poker player. You lack any sort of subtlety.”

“He loves you. He’s trying to respect your space and be supportive, and he’s a little lost. He’s an alpha male trying to be a little more beta, you know? He wants to help you because that’s what he does. Help him.”

“I’m in so far above my head it’s not funny.” She scrubbed her hands over her face.

“Stay right here. We need more cinnamon rolls and coffee.”

She put her head down on her arms and groaned. Damn Murphys being so wonderful.

“Okay. William sent over the pot here.” Beth put the carafe down after refilling both mugs. “And freshly baked cinnamon rolls with extra glaze on the non-raisin ones. He says to ask for extra next time instead of picking the raisins out. He might have been slightly insulted or slightly proud. Hard to say which with that one.”

Not much better in the world but a warm-from-the-oven cinnamon roll with a hot cup of coffee.

After she’d eaten another, she sat back. “When he and I broke it off…before, it took me a while to get over it. I sort of fell into a pit of depression. I was totally pathetic. God. Anyway. I sat around all day in sweats and watched reality television, all the while just not going to class and risking my enrollment status. Everything was out of control and I saw him everywhere. At the grocery store, at the library or movies. I didn’t want to go out. He looked so happy. Man I wanted to slap his face.” She focused on Beth again. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t be. He’s my brother and I love him, but I’m your friend too. I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could share this with me before. I was a crappy friend.”

Lily shook her head. “No. You were in an awkward position. I didn’t bring it to you of my own accord. You never said not to, I just didn’t want to put you in the middle and I was embarrassed too. Anyway. I realized one day that my life was not at all what I wanted it to be. And that by allowing it to continue, I was allowing your brother to continue to make me feel like nothing.

“So I made a plan to deal with my credit-card debt, which thankfully wasn’t bad. I made myself get up and out of the apartment every day. I studied on a strict schedule, and I stopped eating all the stuff that made me sick. My grades rebounded and I finished near the top of my class. I moved to Macon and landed a great job doing what I loved. My family was near enough that I could see them for all the big stuff but not every day where I’d go crazy, and I’d never have to see or speak to Nathan.”

Beth simply listened.

“It’s not so much that I wished him ill by that point. Or that I hadn’t gotten over him or that he’d given me baggage or whatever. I dated. I had three serious relationships in the time between now and then. The last one I considered marrying. I’m confident of myself and I know what I want. I’m not afraid to go after it either. These are not things I didn’t have in great measure when I was with Nathan. But it’s because of him that I got stronger.”

“And then everything went catawampus.”

“Eloquent. So then my parents’ marriage breaks up. Which happens. I guess I assumed they’d stick it out. My dad was sort of lazy, and she did everything for him, especially since he retired. I was surprised and I felt bad for my mom and Chris, but it was what happened and I went back to my routine. And then Chris gets in trouble. I come here and in one night I find out this has become such a big problem my mother can’t handle it. My sister is a whackjob. I have to come back here and raise not only Chris, but my mother. I have zero control really, and into this maelstrom walks the only man I’ve ever really loved and he’s not the same as before. Not the same in any way that really matters.”

“Ah, we get to the in-over-your-head stuff now.” Beth nodded sagely.

“He’s not someone I can blow off. Not someone I can keep being angry at. He’s not someone who’ll be contained and under control. He’s an aggressive, dominant man and he slides his laid-back, good ol’ boy skin on and god damn if that doesn’t make him even more irresistible! I don’t have any defenses against that. I can’t control it, or even predict it. He’s like a shark, always moving. He’s cagey, your brother.”

Beth laughed and patted her hand. “I’m gonna have to tweet that. He is cagey. But he’s entirely okay with being laid back and lazy and have people wait on him and do all the work as long as he’s all right with the general direction. But once he gets all stirred up, you can’t stop him. He will get what he wants. He’s relentless about it. He wants you and he’s all stirred up. He’s changed. You’ve changed him even more. He’s good for you and Lord knows he needs you too. Come to my house for dinner tonight.”

Lily heaved a sigh. Still panicked, but not so much she was blind to the truth. “What time should we be there?”





She finished up with Beth and went home. May as well check in on her mother.

So it wasn’t a total surprise to see Nancy’s car in the driveway, blocking Lily’s spot. She parked on the street and went to her place first, putting her camera and bag away. She gave herself a pep talk in the mirror before heading to the main house.

“’Bout time you showed up.”

“Always first thing with you. I hope you give me a gold star in your mental inventory since being disapproving gives you such an extra charge. Did we have an appointment I was unaware of? Something else that would give you any legitimate reason to declare it’s about time I showed up as if I’d been making you wait for some ungodly amount of time?”

“You get her all upset and rush off. Threaten to take her child. How dare you!”

She turned, slowly, hands on her hips and took them both in. “How dare I? How dare she? How dare she come to the breakfast table with an ice-tea glass filled with bourbon? And refill it three times in the presence of her son who’s only just pulling himself out of some pretty deep trouble. How dare she call you in and give you free rein to stir trouble? Did you ask yourself why she’d do that? How about that? Huh? How about she stop hiding behind all this stuff? She brought you here to get in between her and me. You have to know that. She’d rather sit by and watch us fight—yet again—than own her business.”

Nancy began to speak but Lily’d had enough. “I told you last time that if you wanted to go we would, but that’d I’d end you. Think very carefully about what you say next. If you’re not here to help get her in rehab or at the very least some therapy, then get out. You can’t help her with your normal selfish shit. She needs you to be a good person for once in your life. I know you have a heart in there somewhere and I could use your help right now.

“She’s in big trouble. Chris saw her fall a month ago. She stumbles around the house, slurring her words, falling asleep anywhere she lands. He sees it every day, no matter how hard I try to clean up after her. He’s scared to death she’ll try to drive. He asked me if she was drunk this morning on the way to school. He’s had enough. She’s had enough and I’m not going to let you make this all worse. I don’t have the energy to parent you too, so you’re going to have to stand on your own two feet for a change ’cause Dad’s not interested, no matter how good or pretty you are. It’s about him, not you.”

Nancy closed her mouth with a snap.

She turned to her mother, who looked slightly abashed. “Now, Mom, aside from calling Nancy and attempting to set us against each other to keep the heat off you, what are you going to do about what we discussed this morning? I can drive you over to the therapist’s office now. They have group sessions and individual ones. She said you might need both or one or the other. She’s referred you to someone else in her office who deals with substance-abuse issues more regularly.”

Her mother looked back and forth between them. “Nancy, do you hear this?”

Her sister exhaled and slumped down onto the couch. “She really drank bourbon at breakfast in front of Chris?”

A little afraid to be heartened by her sister’s response just yet, Lily walked over to the pantry and pulled out a drawer, removing it entirely. “Here’s one of her favorite spots.” She produced the bottle she knew was hidden there. “I found this one when I slammed the drawer too hard and it made a funny sound. There are others back here. I pour them out. Sometimes I water them down. She can’t say anything to me of course, because if she admits she’s hiding liquor bottles she has to admit she’s got a problem. I found a bottle in the linen closet yesterday. A few in her car. She’s in trouble, Nancy. I could really use your help.”

Nancy pulled out a cigarette and instead of chiding her, Lily let her have it. God knew she felt like a smoke just then and she’d never been a smoker. Her sister sat and drew the smoke into her lungs, not saying anything. She looked around the room, her gaze flitting from space to space.

Lily continued to think on her options.

“Lily, why don’t you clean up in here more? Or make Chris.” The tone wasn’t as hostile, but the wary way she sized everything up had gone. She was paying attention now.

Lily saw the room from her sister’s perspective. Pamela Travis’s curtains had always been open during the day. But it’d been a while since she’d started telling Lily the light was too much and bothered her eyes.

Dim and cluttered.

“I come in every day after I take Chris to school. I make sure the kitchen is clean and do laundry. Even put it away. But she won’t let me vacuum or dust or touch any of the paperwork and magazines on the coffee table. Insists she do it herself.”

Lily didn’t need to say how ineffective that effort had been.

“Mom, the woman who raised us was proud of her home. She was proud of herself and her appearance.”

Nancy’s gaze honed in on their mother as Lily pointed that out. All Lily could do was hope Nancy saw what she did.

“You used to get your hair done once a week. You wore pretty clothes. You had lunch with your friends and ran the cakewalk every carnival. You rarely leave the house now. You sit here in the dark all day and with the television on. Staring and drinking. Watching you do this to yourself is breaking my heart.”

Pamela, shaking, pointed a finger at Lily. “I don’t need any help! I’m just fine. Nancy, you said you’d back me. She’s trying to take Christopher. Turn him against me. Those aren’t my bottles. She put them there. She wants to control me.”

It hit hard. She knew her mother was desperate and in pain and didn’t mean what she was saying. But she said it nonetheless. Lily turned herself away from her mother to face Nancy. “Help me. You have to see it. She needs help.”

Nancy shook her head and blew out a long puff of smoke. Looking around Lily to their mother, she said, “She’s uppity and thinks she’s better’n everyone else. But she wouldn’t do that. She’s right. You’re in trouble. You can’t do this to Chris.”