Never Enough

chapter 16



“Rise and shine Macy!”

What the hell? Halley was a little too chipper for me this morning. I knew she meant well. She sat on my bed and I let out a loud groan. I tried to throw the comforter back over my head but she grabbed it from me and pulled it back.

“Ugh, I don’t want to wake up.”

She flashed a big smile and replied, “Sure you do! Get up and spend time with me. And go wash your face, you have eye makeup all over.”

I rolled my eyes and looked at her. She had to be joking. Marcus must not be here that’s the only reason I could come up with for why she was in here and why the hell was she judging me for the mess on my face. No one was there to see it anyway and I’m pretty sure she would live. “I’m spending time with you right now, in my bed.”

She never once asked me about last night and the conversation with Trevor outside the car. I wasn’t sure if she heard anything but even if she did she still wasn’t asking and I’m sure she did with the way that conversation went. I looked at her and told her, “He’s been sleeping with her for a week and a half. Wait no scratch that, Taylor informed me three weeks. He tried to tell me how sorry he was and that he f*cked up. He didn’t know what to do he said. Gary called and said the bitch isn’t pressing charges on me for what I did and I told him I won’t be going there anymore.”

“Macy I am so sorry. I saw her walking up and I almost got out but you asked me stay inside and I didn’t want to upset you more.” I knew she was. I could see it in her eyes. I also know if I had looked at her she would have jumped out that car last night, but there didn’t need to be a bigger scene than we already had. Our luck someone would have called the cops on us. I definitely didn’t need a mug shot on the news. She placed her hand on my arm for comfort. I was really glad my best friend was here right now even if she had woken me up. “I don’t see how Marcus or I didn’t see this or know any of this was going on. We just assumed he needed time because of well you know. I heard you slapped him in the face before I walked up, is that true?” Her eyes were wide trying to process the information that I basically just threw at her.

I let out a small chuckle and replied, “Yes I did. He deserved more than that. He’s lucky that’s all I did.” She began laughing too. I loved her for easing the tension from the conversation. This was no easy matter to talk about. Never in my life did I ever think that my mom’s husband would rape me when I was 19 and that my fiancée would cheat on me a week and a half, no wait I have to remember it was three weeks after I lost our baby. Wait, I was still pregnant when it started. What a wonderful life this was panning out to be. A whole mountain of lies and more lies.

“Did you want to hang out today and do something? Anything?” She glanced at me with hope in her eyes but she pretty much knew what my answer was before I ever spoke it. At this point she could read me blindfolded.

As much as I appreciated the offer and trust me I did, I wanted nothing more than to just sit here in my room and stare at the walls. I didn’t want to look at anyone or talk to anyone. I wanted a big bottle of liquor and a glass. No, scratch that, I didn’t need the glass I would just drink out of the bottle. That would save time pouring. Who needs to pour it anyway?

I offered Halley a weak smile, “No thanks. I know you mean well but I just, I don’t want to do anything. I just, I feel lost. Even though I heard everything come out of his mouth and hers, I just don’t want to believe it’s real. I love him, but there’s no way in hell I would ever let him know that. I can’t be weak.”

“I know you do Mace, maybe it was just really nothing more than a poor lapse of judgement…”

“Don’t make excuses for him Halley. Yeah it was a poor lapse of judgment but I refuse to be that girl.” I didn’t want to be that girl who falls for the poor sappy crap excuse and forgives the guy just to have him turn around and do it again and if I’ve learned anything from Taylor, it was that she is very persistent and she does get what she wants no matter who she has to hurt to get it.

“I’m not making excuses I’m sorry.”

“I’m done. I will move on from this no matter what it takes. He was able to move on quickly. Why can’t I?”

This was one of those time I wish there was a manual in front of me. Something to tell me how to deal with this. I knew I needed to figure this out for my own though and it was very much possible. I’d survived enough on my own already.

“You can move on. I know you can. You are one of the strongest women I know.” I gave her a hug hoping we could move on from this conversation. I’d had enough Trevor talk for now.

“You know what? I’m going to a new bar tonight. I don’t know where I just know it’s not The Lounge.” Halley began pouting. Really? “Don’t give me that look Hales. I can’t go back there, you know that. I can’t see him anymore especially not a day after.”

“I know. It’s just I feel like I have to choose between you and Marcus and honestly I don’t like that.”

“No Hales, don’t feel that way. I completely understand. He’s your boyfriend. I’m fine I swear. I’m not shedding anymore tears over this. I’m a new woman.”

She laughed at me and hugged me. “This is why I love you! So has Trevor tried to contact you since last night?”

I glared at her for even asking but I answered, “He tried to text not long after we got home but I didn’t answer. Matter of fact, I deleted it and I turned the phone off after I talked to Gary. I have nothing to say to him.”

She looked at me searching my eyes for some sort of answer and I nodded knowing what she was trying to ask. Halley grabbed my phone and did what I couldn’t do, she turned it on. My phone sprang to life and suddenly began going off like crazy. Text tones and vibrations filled where we showed nothing but silence. Wow, this was absolutely insane. Her eyes bugged out of her head as she watched my screen. “What Hales?”

“He’s been blowing up your phone Mace.”

“Yeah? Who cares?” Deep down I wanted to know what each and every message said but I hesitated. Reading those would do nothing but open me back up to being hurt again by him. I refused to let that happen again. “Read them if you want.”

Halley began flipping through texts, tears filling her eyes with every one she read.

“Macy please call me.”

“Macy are you there?”

“I know I f*cked up I’m so sorry.”

“I can’t lose you, please talk to me.”

“I know you’re mad.” With each text she read tears stung my eyes. I kept asking myself over and over again why he did what he did.

“I think about you and our baby every day. I know I let you down and I don’t deserve you anymore but I f*cking love you so much Macy. I don’t know what I’ll do without you.” That text made the tears fall. I couldn’t hold them back. Halley set the phone down and offered to hug me. I refused her hug. I wasn’t in the mood right now. I needed to be alone. She understood and walked out.

I locked my bedroom door and plugged my Ipod into my speakers. It’d been a long time since I’d done this but I needed a good pick me up and this is just what the doctor ordered. I hit shuffle and the first song that played was Justin Timberlake’s ‘Cry me a river’. Well if this didn’t fit the past day and all its events perfectly. I lay there listening to the words imagining myself singing them to his face. Yeah cry now is what I would say. Right before the chorus really began I thought I heard talking outside the door. Marcus must be over. Wrong voice. There was a knock on the door and I heard his voice.

“Macy, please talk to me.”

Nope. That wasn’t going to happen. Not today. Thank god I locked my door. I turned up the volume just to be a bitch. I wanted him to hear those words and know they were meant for him. He knocked for another minute or two. The music was so loud, I heard nothing he said. Still, I didn’t know whether he was still outside the door waiting for me to unlock it or if he’d actually left. The only reason I knew he was gone was by Halley’s text apologizing that she had no idea he was coming over and he basically pushed his way in to talk to me. She said he was completely heartbroken. Serves him right. As that song ended another began. Of course it would be a slow song. And its lyrics shook me to the core. I missed him so much it wasn’t funny but I could not forgive him just like that. I usually like listening to Rascal Flatts but their song ‘Come Wake Me Up’ sent tears running down my cheeks. This was one of those ugly cries that you’re usually glad no one sees, kinda like the one I had when I found out I was pregnant. I missed him more than I could explain. I hated this.

Something a little more chipper came on next but I didn’t care. I just lay back down and let the music soothe my soul. Another sad song came on shortly. It was ‘Nothing Compares to You; by Sinead O’Connor. It fit everything I was feeling but didn’t dare say. I put it on repeat and blasted it several times just lying in my bed. Before I knew it, I’d passed out again.

*****

Trevor and I were standing in the courtroom in front of the Justice of the Peace. Gary, Halley and Marcus were there too. This was the happiest day of my life. Trevor looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman on the earth. We joined hands as we said our vows. I couldn’t believe our wedding day was finally here. I was getting ready to become Mrs. Trevor James. Butterflies were swarming all over my stomach; I was ready for him to kiss his bride. We exchanged our vows wearing cheesy grins the entire time. He slid my ring on my finger and I beamed. I slid his on his finger and beamed even more. He touched my baby bump and whispered something to our daughter. He really was an amazing man. I gazed into his bluish gray eyes as the Justice of the Peace pronounced us husband and wife. As soon as he said you may now kiss your bride, our mouths met and I knew from this moment that my life was now complete. I had everything I could ever possibly need.

“I am the luckiest man alive. I can’t believe we are finally married. I love you so much.” He kissed my lips again with such a force my knees almost buckled.

My breathing was uneven as I responded, “I love you so much too.” Hand in hand we walked to the car to head to our reception. This really was the happiest day of my life.

It felt hot and I couldn’t figure out where the heat was coming from. I opened my eyes and noticed my sheets were soaking wet. It was also almost five in the afternoon. I looked frantically for Trevor before I realized it was just a dream. A dream that was never coming true because he’d betrayed me and our love.

‘Nothing Compares to You’ was still playing on my IPod. I had no idea how long it had been playing. I turned it off and I climbed out of the sweat soaked sheets and almost gagged as I stripped them off. I decided to take a shower before I washed the sheets. In the warm water of the shower, I let myself relax and shed the rest of my tears. I’d never know that day to come, because we were no longer getting married of having a baby. I’d be ok though. I knew I’d be. It would just take time. I quickly dressed then went to throw my sheets in the washer. Halley wasn’t home but left a note that read: ‘Going to The Lounge with Marcus. If you need ANYTHING, do not hesitate to call me!’ I crumbled her note and threw it away. I wasn’t going to be sitting at home tonight. Not me.

I threw on my blue jean skirt and a sequin tank top. Once my hair was fixed and my makeup applied, I got in my car and drove to another bar up the street. Gill’s bar was sort of competition for The Lounge. I wasn’t sure if they had a band but they had whiskey and that was ok with me. For the first time in years I’d have to pay for my drinks. I was prepared but also scared of what this tab could look like by the end of the night because I was here to enjoy myself and forget all about the shitty things that happened.

Gills was a hole in the wall like The Lounge and also like us, they attracted a lot of the young crowd. They also had amazing food. Their boudin balls were amazing but tonight I wasn’t here for the food. I was here to begin moving on with my life. There was some sort of indie looking band getting ready to take the stage but until then, they had a DJ playing music. Dance music. Ohmigod, I haven’t danced in forever. I ordered two shots back to back and threw them back like nothing. I was really sad I didn’t have Halley here to dance with me but I was here to have fun and she was with Marcus. I had no problems dancing alone and having fun. I made my way out to the dance floor. I found an empty spot and began grinding my hips to the beat. I lost myself in the music. Freeing my mind of everything that had happened, things that now also were nothing but the past and were no longer in my way. I could definitely move on from this. I need another shot and I was about to go get one when I felt someone place their arms around my waist and grind their hips against mine. Usually I would make my exit but I turned to see who it may be and he almost reminded me of Trevor except he had green eyes. Maybe it was the lighting on the floor but he looked amazing. I licked my lips and turned back around continuing to dance. The stranger had strong arms and he knew how to move. Boy could he dance. I was disappointed when the song ended and the DJ announced the band was next. I groaned and turned to get a better look at this guy. He had a blonde crew-cut and those green eyes, they popped out. He wore a black polo shirt and the tightest blue jeans. Oh my he was gorgeous, absolutely flipping gorgeous.

“Can I get you a drink? It’s the least I owe you for you not turning around and smacking me. I just wanted to dance with you.” His voice was sexy. It flowed off his lips like satin. I’m pretty sure I could listen to him speak all night.

“I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have smacked you. Sure beats dancing alone, but you can get me a shot of whiskey if you feel that bad.”

He grinned. And we made our way to the bar where I took my next shot. “I’m sorry, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Luke Nolan.” He had an amazing smile. I felt like I was staring and I’m fairly sure I was. I couldn’t help it. Now that we were away from the flashing lights on the dance floor, I was finally able to see him a little better. This guy literally looked like he stepped out of a magazine and into my life. I looked up towards the ceiling and offered a silent prayer of thanks to God for getting me out of the house and not pitying myself over Trevor anymore!

“I’m Macy Young.” He grinned and said something. I wasn’t sure. The band playing was pretty loud and the crowd loved them. I just smiled and blushed. I almost felt normal again. Almost. Like my ex-fiancée didn’t just rip my heart out. When Luke turned his back I ordered another shot and tossed it back. I watched him as he stood there looking hot as hell. My eyes glanced around the bar and it was a relief to know I knew no one there. He leaned in and placed his arm around my waist. Surprisingly I let him. The band was very good. He offered me a real drink and I ordered a crown and coke. I glanced at the time. Trevor and the band would be finishing early tonight. I wondered if he were taking Taylor home. Before it could begin to upset me, I threw him out of my mind and smiled at Luke. We had a few more drinks and talked while the band played. It wasn’t that easy considering neither of us could really hear the other but it was kinda cute and funny all at the same time. A few minutes later the DJ started playing again.

“Want to dance again Macy?” Did I mention how much I loved his voice? He could say my name anytime he wanted to and I would gladly listen. Eagerly, I nodded my head and placed my hand in his. He led me to the dance floor and placed his arms back around my waist. It was like the first song never ended, we left off right where we left off. My vision was still perfectly clear, I mean I could walk a straight line if I needed to but I had a great buzz going on. No scratch that. I was drunk. I know I was, but I was having fun and didn’t have a care in the world. I could feel Luke breathing on my neck. He moved his mouth towards my ear and nibbled on it. I let him, it felt amazing. I turned to meet him and our lips met. Maybe it was just an accident, but that was the best accident that’s ever happened. Slow and tenderly he kissed me and our lips parted. Drunk kiss or not, it was amazing. I didn’t care if I were going to wake up and regret it tomorrow, although I hoped I wouldn’t. He pulled away and gazed into my eyes. “That was amazing.”

“Sure was.” I responded. I smiled and we continued to dance as a new song came over the speakers. Sweat was dripping from my forehead. I wiped the beads of sweat with the back of my hand and continued to grind against his hips. When the last song ended we went to get another drink. I could have downed a few bottles of water and a few drinks at this point. I forgot how much dancing could take out of you.

Standing by the bar, I heard a voice that was all too familiar and I didn’t want to turn around. This was a nightmare. You’re just imagining it Macy. Take a deep breath and relax. I tried and I heard the voice again. What the hell was he doing here? Had he ever even been in this bar before? Hell I wouldn’t know. We dated briefly then he knocked me up and I didn’t dare step into a bar after that, not while I was still pregnant. I threw back my shot and began sipping on a beer this time. Maybe he hadn’t noticed me.

“Macy, what are you doing here?” F*ck. There went my nice night. How did I get so lucky for him to notice me?

I spun around and hid any emotions I had for him far away. “Obviously I’m having a good time. You know how that is. You’ve done it for a week and a half, no sorry three weeks.” Two can play this game. “Where’s your homewrecking bitch?” I stood on my tiptoes and began looking to see if she were going to dare show her face around me again.

He looked hurt but I didn’t care. “I’m not seeing her anymore Mace. I want you.”

“Too bad. I don’t want you.” Lying hurt so badly but it was the only way I could survive this. It was the only way I could begin to really move on with my life. “I’m here with someone.” Luke had been waiting for his drink and he never saw Trevor walk up. He was here now though, that’s all that mattered.

Trevor looked him up and down several times, I’m assuming sizing him up before he spoke. “Who is this Macy? Don’t do anything stupid please.” His eyes were begging me and for a brief moment I thought he might cry. At this point I may have laughed in his face, but I controlled that.

Luke stepped up and put his arm around me and kissed my forehead. Trevor looked pale. I’d never seen him like this. Wait no, I’d seen him like this one other time when we told me he’d actually slept with her. Jealousy didn’t suit him, but now he knew what it felt like. “Trevor, this is Luke. Not that it matters to you.”

“Can I talk to you alone Mace?” His eyes searched mine for anything to tell him I still loved him but I had become so good at shoving things in the back of my mind; he was unable to find anything.

“Anything you have to say to me you can say in front of Luke.” Checkmate. I knew he wasn’t going to bring up anything of ours in front of a complete stranger. And if he dared try to, I would have politely put him back in his place. Like I predicted he said nothing and just stared. “I’m going to finish enjoying my night. Go find Taylor, I’m sure she wants you.”

Being the defiant bitch I am, I leaned up and kissed Luke long and hard on the lips and hand in hand I led him back out to the dance floor. Trevor had left. I blinked back a few tears then put on my brave face. Luke leaned in and whispered into my ear, “Who was that?”

I smiled and replied, “No one that concerns us tonight. Sorry about that.”

He nibbled my ear again and whispered, “Good.” Electricity soared through my veins as we made our way back out and danced to the next song.

Several drinks later I looked into his eyes and pushed Trevor further back in my mind. Luke was hot and he was just the release I needed. I’d already been having the time of my life tonight. I pulled my phone out to text Halley: ‘Be home tomorrow. I’m safe. Love you.’ Somehow I managed to spell everything correctly because the screen looked quite blurry to me. Trevor also sent a text begging me not to do anything stupid. F*ck him.

Luke leaned into my ear and whispered, “Come back to my place?” Yes sir. I got ready to agree then remembered I drove my car and Gary would see my car left overnight.

“I’d love to.” I smiled up at him. “But one teeny request.” He smiled in amusement and waited. “Can we take my car?” He didn’t question me just shook his head yes.

“Ready when you are. I can get my car tomorrow.” He kissed my forehead again I fished for my keys in my pocket. As soon as I found them, I pulled him out the door.