Never Enough

chapter 15



It had been two weeks since we lost our baby. My days and nights had been spent doing not much but crying. I knew it was taking a toll on Trevor and I didn’t mean for it to but I just didn’t know how to handle it. Gary was worried about me. He texted me every day asking how I was doing despite everything. I only answered with one or two word answers. Those worked so he wouldn’t show up at the apartment. Halley tried to get me to go to The Lounge with her but I turned her down every time. She would stay home with me and we’d watch movies and gorge ourselves on junk food. She even bought me some boudin one night which I gladly inhaled. I always made sure I let people know that was one of my favorite things about being from the south. I had a bottle of whiskey in the kitchen and I just stayed home and drank. There was no need to be around people. Trevor still went and played with the band and most of the time would come home to me. Some nights he didn’t come over, much less text or call. I knew it was a result of me shutting him out these past two weeks. I understood he needed his space too. This was something I never would wish upon anyone to go through. I was tired of crying and tired of feeling sorry for myself.

Our wedding was two weeks away. We still discussed our wedding plans whenever I would see or talk to him but not as much as we did before. It was just one of those things we knew was still going to happen. It was the one thing I had to look forward to in my life that would not fall apart. In two weeks I would walk down the aisle to become his wife and everything would be just fine. We could live our lives in love and happiness and move on from this heartache we were dealt with.

I’d been lying in bed all day; I looked over to see it was 4:30 in the afternoon. Another wasted day. Not that I cared, it was nice just laying here and having to do nothing. I also happened to realize there had been no word from Trevor in a day and a half. I let out a groan and started to throw the covers back over my head. I was beginning to get aggravated. He could come over anytime he wanted. He knew that. Hell he practically lived here before we lost our baby.

There was a knock at my door, before I could yell come in the door opened. Halley stood there with concern on her face. I offered a small smile and said, “Hey Hales.”

She smiled and walked in placing herself beside me on the bed. “Please get out of the house tonight Mace. I know you’re hurting. I’m hurting for you, but you can’t sit in here all the time. The band is playing tonight. Come with me to The Lounge. I know Gary would love to see you. Trevor too. He keeps asking about you.”

I snorted. “He asks you but I haven’t heard from him in days. Must really miss me. We’re supposed to get married in two weeks. Where the hell has he been?” More tears began to well up but I blinked them back. I was so tired of crying. I can’t believe I even still had tears left to cry.

“Well, come with me and you guys can talk. He just doesn’t know what to do anymore. He feels lost in all this Mace. I know you are too but can you blame him?” She began pouting and I knew she was right. This was driving me crazy sitting here. I know I needed a night out. A normal night out hanging with my best friend was exactly what I needed. And I wanted to see Trevor, I missed him terribly.

“Let me get dressed and we’ll go.” I wore a weak smile letting her know I was happy but I also really still wanted to sit around like a bump on a log. She practically threw her arms around my neck.

“Yay!! I’m so excited!!” She ran back to her room and began getting dressed.

I walked to my closet and dug out my faithful blue jean skirt. I threw that one with a pink sequin fitted tee. I threw on my flip flops for added comfort. There was no one to impress in there for me. I looked into the mirror and let out another weak smile. I could do this. I could face everyone at The Lounge and get back to my old life with Trevor. We could try again for a baby once we got married and were settled down. I put my ring on and my charm bracelet before I ran the straightener through a few stray ends of my hair. I hadn’t worn either the ring or the bracelet since the miscarriage but I looked at them every day to cheer me up. Halley came walking back in my room whistling at me. I laughed and whistled back at her. She had a pair of jeans on with a silver sequin top.

“Hales, will you please do my makeup? I haven’t done it in forever I don’t want to mess it up.” There hadn’t been any make up on my face since all this happened. I never left the house so I didn’t see the need to put any on. It all sat on my vanity in the same place it always sat, untouched.

“Of course I can!” She stood in front of me applying my eyeliner, mascara, and foundation as if her life depended on it. I knew she was so excited I was finally getting out of this apartment and that she was the one who was getting me out. I put my own lip gloss on and blew a kiss into the mirror. Ready or not here I come.

We headed out the door and got in my car. We sang along to the radio like old times and I just knew deep down that I had made a good decision and this was going to be a good night. I parked the car and we walked in. Gary came up to me and hugged me. “Good to see you out kiddo. Have a few drinks on me tonight and enjoy yourself. I love you.”

“Thanks Gary.” I gave him a hug back and a big smile. “It’s good to be back.”

He walked behind the bar and handed us each a shot that we threw back immediately. It felt so good going down. I ordered a crown and coke and began looking for Trevor. He was nowhere in sight. Marcus came up to me and gave me a hug. “It’s good to see you back Mace.”

I grinned and replied after taking a big sip of my drink, “Thanks, it’s good to be back. Hey have you seen Trevor?”

“He’s around here somewhere.” He waved his hand all around the bar indicating he could be anywhere in here. Good thing this place wasn’t huge.

“Ok, thanks.”

He hugged Halley and they began kissing. Barf. I made a face and scanned the crowd for Trevor. I began walking around taking in all the familiar surroundings of this place that I’ve missed and as I got closer to the stage, I prayed my eyes were seeing wrong. I wasn’t seeing this. I could not be seeing this at all. If this was real, I was really going to lose my shit in a very ugly way.

“Trevor?” He turned around and quickly removed Taylor’s lips from his. What the hell was going on here? I felt like I needed to blink my eyes a few times to really get my brain to register this. “What the hell is going on?”

Taylor opened her mouth and smiled, “I told you this would happen but you didn’t believe me. Shame on you.” She actually had the nerve to tell me this and she was waving her finger in my damn face. And the worst part of it all was he said nothing and she continued to wear her stupid grin.

He wouldn’t look at me. What a coward. He was caught he could at least look at me. “Trevor I’m talking to you.” I had so much strength all of a sudden inside me; I don’t know where it came from. I should be crying right now but I was too pissed to even think about it.

Taylor still stood there grinning. I wanted to slap her damn grin off her face. This bitch had so much nerve and I absolutely hated her for it. “Mace, it wasn’t what it looked like.”

“Oh really? Because Trevor, it looked like your tongue was down this whore’s f*cking throat. Is this why I haven’t heard from you in days? We’re supposed to be getting married in two weeks. What the hell are you thinking?”

“You’ve been locked up in your room the past two weeks Macy, what am I supposed to do? Sit there and watch you cry?” He spit the response out then stood there silently regretting what he had said.

“I LOST OUR BABY YOU ASSHOLE.” I wanted to keep my composure but I’d begun yelling at him. Like a lunatic. “You could have been there for me! Instead you threw it all away on this bitch.” I couldn’t help what I did next. I slapped him so hard across the face, people began staring at us. My hand hurt from that one.

“What the f*ck Macy?” He was pissed. Livid was more like it. He opened his mouth to say something but Taylor decided she needed to speak for him again. Which, I don’t know if that was good or not. His face was blood red.

“What the hell is wrong with you? He’s obviously moved on so you need to.” Oh hell no this bitch wasn’t telling me what I needed to do. She didn’t know me or anything he and I had been through in the last few months.

I pulled a Halley and grabbed her hair and slammed her face on the table that was a mere few inches away. When I raised her head her back up, her nose was spewing blood. Serves her right, she deserved it.

We now had quite the crowd around us and Trevor looked more pissed than ever. I’d never seen him this mad. Halley came running up and stopped when she saw Taylor’s face. “Ohmigod, Mace! You did this?” Halley stood there trying not to laugh while Taylor held her nose and ran off towards the bathroom.

Trevor stepped in before I could answer and told her, “Get her out of here Halley. Now.”

I glared in his direction and looked dead into his eyes. “F*ck you Trevor. I hate you.” I threw the ring and the charm bracelet in his face and I felt Gary’s hand on my shoulder.

“Macy, you need to leave, or I’m going to have to have you removed.”

“I was just leaving Uncle Gary. I’m sorry for this.” Trevor didn’t try to run after me. He just stood there watching me leave. I hated him so much right now for everything he just did to us.

Halley followed me outside and stopped me before I got in the car. “Macy, I had no idea I swear. Marcus didn’t even know.” She stopped talking when she saw the tears running down my face. How could I have been so stupid to think he would still want to be with me once I had lost the baby? He didn’t even propose until we found out I was pregnant. What a joke.

“He ruined everything Halley. With that stupid bitch. The one person I hate more than anything in the world. And he had a piss poor excuse for it! I was hurting and he was out whoring around. How stupid can I be?” No one was outside but the two of us and I began yelling like a raging lunatic but I had every damn right to.

“Stop it Macy. You aren’t stupid. He is very wrong for what he did and I can’t believe you made her nose bleed.” She began laughing and I let out a small chuckle to lighten the air. “I wish I had been standing there for that one.”

“She deserved it and much more. She’s lucky that’s all I did. She better hope I never see her again.”

Halley hugged me for a minute then stepped away quickly and cleared her throat. I turned to see what she did that for and saw Trevor walking up to me. Great. He couldn’t talk in there but he wanted to hunt me down out here. Halley let out a small chuckle trying to ease the situation and gave her best Kevin Hart impersonation when she told me, “It’s about to go down.” I wanted to laugh but there was too much smoke coming from my ears and he needed to know none of this was even funny.

“I’m going to sit in the car. I’m right here if you need me.” Halley placed her hand on my shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. She made good on her promise and sat in the passenger side of my car.

“What do you want Trevor?” I glared at him with nothing but cold, pure, hatred. Part of me felt bad for slapping him earlier but he deserved it. He walked up and tried to touch me and I moved out of reach. He wouldn’t get out of this one easily. This was so much more different from the time he stared at her chest in the middle of the bar.

“Macy, please let me explain.” His eyes showed nothing but hurt but I didn’t care. He should have thought about that before he decided to lock lips with that bitch and have me just so happen to walk up on it.

“Explain what Trevor? I saw it with my own eyes. We are more than done. Don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t come over. I never want to see you again. I told you from the beginning this was all a mistake.” My hands were flinging all over the place as if I were some raging lunatic and at this moment I’m pretty sure I was.

“What do you want me to say Macy?” What do I want him to say? I want him to say he f*cked up and that he is stupid for screwing us up. He needed to feel sorry for what he did but I just wasn’t seeing it in his eyes. He was only hurt because I caught him, and that I figured out I was never enough for him?

“I don’t want you to say anything Trevor.” There were no more words to say. If I said anything else, I was bound to begin crying and I’d be damned if I broke down in front him.

“I f*cked up Macy. I know I did. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. We can work through this. I love you.”

I almost slapped him again but I held my hands at bay. “Don’t say those words to me ever again Trevor,” I gritted through my teeth. “You made your bed, now you need to lie in it. You know I really loved you Trevor. I gave you everything I had. I told you things no one else knew. I let you into my life and you did this to me. I lost our baby and you did this. You really hurt me. I just don’t know what else to tell you anymore. This is beyond repair.”

“Please give me another chance. I still love you more than anything. We can still get married.”

I interrupted quickly and responded, “No we can’t. In case you didn’t notice, I threw your damn ring and bracelet at you. I don’t want them. I don’t want anything that reminds me of you.”

I stood there trying to process everything. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. This was some f*cked up joke. I leaned in until I was inches from his face and whispered, “How long Trevor. And don’t lie to me.”

He couldn’t look me in my eyes. My eyes grew wide and I stepped back when I realized he wasn’t answering me right away. My heart began pounding and I felt as if I were about to have a panic attack. No, I can’t let him see me break down. He can’t see that. I steadied myself and stood there waiting. He looked everywhere but at me.

“Look at me Trevor. How long? Did you sleep with her? Huh? Did you f*ck her?”

He continued looking everywhere but at me. Why wasn’t he looking at me? I asked him a simple question that required nothing more than a yes or no. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally looked me dead in the eyes and I swallowed waiting for the answer that would most likely change everything. His face turned white as if he’d seen a ghost. Suddenly I didn’t know if I wanted to hear this or not. Trevor continued to look at me and his truth came out, “Macy, I didn’t mean to.”

I took two steps back and held my chest. I was terrified a panic attack was coming. I couldn’t break down in front of him. He continued with his confession, “She came onto me. I didn’t know what to do. You wouldn’t talk to me. You just cried in your room. I felt I was never going to be enough for you.” A tear fell from his eyes, he didn’t deserve to cry.

He went to continue but I cut him off. I could no longer stay strong. The tears began to fall and sobbing I replied, “So you left me to be with that?” I pointed back towards The Lounge knowing full and well Taylor was already gone from the bloody nose I gave her.

“It was just a kiss and I was drinking. I took her home I’m so sorry I f*cked up.” His eyes were full of sincerity but I didn’t give a shit. How could I? I caught him kissing her. Thank god I didn’t catch him doing god knows what else because I really would have lost it.

“How long has this been going on Trevor?”

He lowered his eyes and hung his head in shame; his hands had fistfuls of his hair in them. I already knew this wasn’t going to be good. “A week in a half.”

I got ready to bite his head off when Taylor’s voice filled my ears. “Don’t let him lie to you. A week and a half?” She snorted. “More like three weeks. At least you know I won’t lie to you.”

It felt like he had literally slapped me in my face. I wanted to slap him again and punch her face in or do much worse things to both of them but instead I choked out a sob and responded, “How could you? Did you seriously think I wouldn’t find out?” I couldn’t say anything else; there was nothing else to say.

He just stood there crying in the parking lot while Taylor just stood there looking smug. I thought I hated her before, no I really hated her now. I didn’t feel sorry for him at all. He tried to touch my arm one more time and I jerked away from him. “Don’t touch me Trevor, I swear to God, I’ll knock your damn teeth out!”

He opened his mouth to speak but before he could I got in the car, shut the door and left. Halley didn’t say anything to me on the way home. She let me be upset which is good because I didn’t want to accidentally snap at her. We rode in silence and both went into our separate rooms once we got into the apartment. I got a text from Halley telling me she loved me. I responded with nothing more than I love you too. Trevor also sent a text but I deleted it. I had nothing else to say to him. I lay in my bed hugging my tiger and I cried. How did this happen? He was supposed to be there for me, it was his baby we lost too. Instead he threw everything we had away.

I stared at my ceiling when the tears finally stopped. I don’t think I’ve cried this much since I was 19. I loved Trevor. I loved him so much, but now I hated him so much. This hurt was something that was even more unbearable than all my nightmares when I was 19. I grabbed my phone prepared to turn it off when it rang. No one needed to talk to me. Halley was in the next room and she would just barge in if she needed anything. Shit. I forgot about Gary. I wanted nothing more than to turn it off and just disappear for the rest of the night but I also knew if I didn’t answer he would drive over here. I groaned because I was not ready to see him face to face just yet.

“Hello?”

“Macy, we need to talk.” He sounded very serious. It wasn’t a side I saw from him often. Obviously he was mad and I was very glad we were having this talk over the phone and not in person.

Before he could continue with anything else he had to say I replied, “I know Uncle Gary. I’m so sorry for causing a scene. I won’t be there anymore.” It was the truth. I wouldn’t be. I had no reason to be there anymore. I’ve always said I wouldn’t let Trevor not play there. I could at least hold my end of the deal up. There were plenty of things to do in this town that didn’t involve seeing him. I would just have to make a list of those later.

“You need to be glad she’s not going to press charges on you for what you did to her. You should thank her.”

He had to be freaking kidding me. I couldn’t hold back my laughter at all. I tried and failed miserably. “Thank her? For what? Ruining my life and taking from me the one thing I loved? Thank her for being a whore?”

“Macy, that’s enough. I love you but I’m not listening to this. That is your business and you will not handle it inside my bar. Not after everything I’ve done for you.”

“Fine. I said I was sorry.”

Even my own uncle seemed to be betraying me and taking Trevor’s side. This was unreal. What happened to him hunting him down if he hurt me? I knew from the moment that first kiss happened this was all a mistake but I let myself fall for him anyway. Why did I have to be so stupid? He introduced the game to me and like a fool I played along and in the end, it was me who got game over. I was left with all the sorrow and heartache. No one but me got to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together again so that I might be ok again. Good thing I learned how to become strong years ago. Gary said bye then we hung up. I turned the phone off this time and turned to stare at the empty wall until I fell asleep.