In that moment a blanket of guilt covered my body. I felt like my actions somehow robbed Azmir. Over the last few weeks I never thought much about Azmir and how my life was intertwined with his. How my misfortune was shared by him. I was so used to getting by alone. The tears wouldn't stop. I wasn't familiar with these feelings of guilt and regret for my actions that affected someone else. Suddenly I felt cold and heartless. I am a lot of things, but cold and heartless were not my ambition.
“I-I'm sorry, Azmir. I really am,” I attempted. “It's just that so much was going on...with Michelle...you and Tara’s baby—”
He cut me off. “Oh, no! You will not use an accusation as an excuse to do this to me...to make long-term decisions concerning me without me. That is not acceptable, Rayna!” he scolded while looking me dead in the eyes and towering over me. He maintained a distance. Seconds later, he turned back toward the vanity.
Things got quiet, but I had to know. I had to ask because I was so confused.
“How could you be so certain that my child was yours and be so adamant that Tara's isn't?” I don't know where the nerve came from but that I had to know.
He shot back a look that could kill. “What the hell are you implying?”
My eyes shot down to my toes. My thoughts were scattered, but I reached up and grabbed one.
“My fear was that I would further complicate you...us...if I brought this to you. I didn't want to bother you with my issues,” I tried to explain.
“Honey...” he addressed me in a trenchant tone...derogate even. “...what you fail to assimilate in your pretty little incommunicado mind is that you being pregnant is not just your issue. It was of my doing. It's my responsibility, even more so than yours. I am damn near ten years your senior, I should have been more responsible. I knew the ramifications of...of making love to you without protection,” he said with a swing of his hand, exhausted himself.
There was a brief pause. He needed to breathe.
“I had my suspicions that night behind the club,” he admitted all the while slouched over the sink. “When you came over that night and we had sex you felt different. I thought I'd give you time to tell me. But when you began to withdraw, I didn't know what to do. Yesterday I couldn't take it anymore. I had to see you…to see if I could convince you to not...do anything irrational.” Another painful pause. “Fuck! I see I'm too late.”
I understood from that statement that he was under the impression that I’d aborted the pregnancy. While it was in the deep recesses of my mind, I was so caught up in life that I hadn't decided on anything. But I had to clear the air of this misconception.
“Azmir, I didn't terminate the pregnancy,” I murmured with my eyes locked down on my mingling fingers.
He stilled and I could see him narrowing his eyebrows through the mirror. He was confused.
I continued, “I miscarried almost two weeks ago.”
His head shot up and he gave me a long faltering gaze through the mirror before turning to me to read my body language.
“Oh, shit. Rayna, I'm so sorry,” Azmir whispered softly and slowly, which was a far cry from his earlier outbursts. He engulfed me as his long arms folded around me. He kissed my head.
“Why didn't you call me? I would've come.”
“I-I don't know,” I answered at a loss for words.
“Who was there to comfort you?” he asked with pain in his words, still gripping me in his arms.
“No one.”
He withdrew his embrace, but kept his hands on my shoulders as he peered down into my weary eyes. “How did you get to the doctor...the hospital?” he interrogated.
“I drove myself,” I murmured suddenly feeling vulnerable as the images of my ride to the hospital flashed before my eyes. I hadn’t recalled that experience until this moment, causing all feelings of lowliness and incredulity to come crashing upon me.
He closed his eyes to find relief from the thoughts in his head and rested his forehead against mine. His arms around my naked body once again providing much needed warmth. We stood there for what seemed like an eternity.