Well, no more!
“Well, Brian,” I hummed, affording myself moments of delay while assembling an answer. “…your question has a convoluted answer…and here it is: Azmir and I had a weird and rare set up. It was serious and exclusive…for me. We’ve recently decided to take a breather, but even with that—I am in no position to take on a relationship with a colleague.” I raised my finger to prevent him from cutting me off again. His scowl in return reaffirmed my issues with his level of aggression “I know you’ve said you wouldn’t view it as a conflict of interest, but I do and will not waver from that.” I paused to give him a chance to speak.
It took a few beats, but he eventually spoke. “Had? You and Jacobs had a weird set up?” he seemed stunned.
“Yes, had. It’s not something I’m prepared to discuss with a colleague, but in the spirit of being honest I shared that. I will also say that I appreciate your tasteful transparency,” I gave him a tight smile and a gentle nod.
A long sigh escaped his mouth. I knew my words were raw, but it was my truth. A myriad of expressions crossed his face in the span of seconds. Why was this such a big deal for Thompson? I just didn’t understand his persistence. Perhaps if I hadn’t been AzmirJacobsdized, I would’ve found Thompson’s aggression charming. However, I was pretty banged up by my recent decision and cause of leaving Azmir to care.
“I don’t agree, but I’ll respect your decision and will back down. But the minute you change your mind—”
I interrupted, “…Or the minute you ditch Smith, Katz & Adams as a client, I know where to find you.”
He gave a sensual chortled and licked his lips. I could tell he wanted to say more, but I left little opportunity for more to be said. It was an improbable possibility.
When Thompson walked out of my office door a small part of me wondered if I had made the right decision. I questioned if I should have explored a relationship just to see if things were different and less complicated with him. However, a bigger part of me felt that Azmir was my soul mate, if there were ever such a thing. He owned me, mind, body and soul. And I’d just lost out on him.
That evening, I went grocery shopping to try to stock up the house. I cooked with the blues and barely ate, trying to fight back my tears. I felt so out of place in my own home. The house was quiet and lifeless, so I decided to find music to help fill in the space. I went to my storage closet in the guest bedroom and pulled out a box of CDs I’d collected over the years. That’s when I found the CD that contained the theme song to my heartbreak: Blu Cantrell’s “I’ll Find a Way.” I made my way back to the living room, popped the CD in, turned the volume up loud enough to fill the entire room and absorbed the lyrics. She sang the words of my wounded soul.
Blu seemed to sum up my pain in the second verse, but the entire song matched my sentiment. I was prepared to get over Azmir Divine Jacobs, the man who forcefully accessed my world, captured my heart, and had shaken the essence of me, leaving me forever changed.
These lyrics mirrored my anguish. I broke down again in my living room. As much as I wanted to call him—just to hear his voice and to know he hadn’t moved on with his life as though we never happened—I could not call or reach out in any way. I’d made my decision and had to stick with it in order to get through the pain that would some day neutralize.