“You know that she would be a viable candidate should this thing between us fail—if I fail you.” My thoughts extended, pushing my realizations. “You’re giving her soft rejections because you know she’s falling for you and don’t want to ruin that…just in case,” I said just above a whisper. I was shocked by my own revelation.
He scoffed, “I haven’t dated her or fucked her. How can she be falling without me participating? You sound ridiculous, Rayna!”
“Azmir, she was in the bathroom crying at your weak ass excuse as to why you two can’t pursue a relationship. That kiss meant a lot to her,” The tears started to fall again. “…apparently similar to what it does to me.” My body started to tremble, though I fought hard for steely veneer.
“It didn’t mean shit to me and neither does she!” he insisted.
I cock my head to the side, resembling contemplation. “Oh, yeah? Well, why is she always around? Why does she fly across country on the hopes of intersecting with you?”
“She has a PR firm with Shayna Bacote. They are trying to contract me as a client. This is all business, Rayna!” His lengthy frame moved into me, roaring as he pushed his index finger toward the floor.
“Then why don’t you refuse their business as a conflict of interest? You want me to show more possession over you? Call her…right now and tell her you’ve decided and decline their offer!”
He tightly closed his eyes and deeply exhaled. “I can’t, Rayna,” his voice much lower and calm.
My heart clenched and my body numbed. “Why?” I breathed out.
“Because I’ve already signed the fucking contract.” His eyes met mine apologetically, telling me that this was a no win situation.
More silence as I stood there and cried my eyes out.
“We are not going to let my business interfere with our personal life, Rayna. Do you know how absurd this all sounds?” He bent down to force my gaze to his and when I looked him in the face, I gave nothing. I had nothing to give. He waited a beat. “Please, baby, say something,” he pleaded through a hoarse throat.
“Why haven’t you told her we are more than roommates? Why haven’t you told me you love me?” I whispered over my tears.
The look in his eyes made me feel that there was more going on than what he was going to share. And that was the cause of my needing to bring this whole ordeal to an end. It was enough that I was in over my head, in love with this man. His robust courting had pushed me to the cliff. And that look in his eyes made the decision for me—that I couldn’t compromise commitment for companionship. Mediocrity just wouldn’t do. I didn’t want to give myself to a man who had a plan B. I didn’t want to feel I wasn’t good enough for complete devotion. For exclusivity. If I died alone avoiding hurt from pseudo-fealty, then in that moment I accepted my fate.
I was defeated. I was done.
I turned to head back to the master suite and packed two full suitcases, grabbed as much of Azna’s things, too and left Azmir in the very same place he stood his foyer. He didn’t chase me or try to talk me down. He tried to help with my bags and I snatched away, forbidding him from coming near me.
He only murmured through clenched teeth, “You won’t get too far. I won’t let you.”
Manny was on the elevator when it had arrived. He helped me to my car and I was on my way to Redondo Beach.
~~~~~~~~~~