Keeping Secrets in Seattle

chapter Seventeen


September 16, 2003

My mom sent Gabe away. I should have run down the stairs and caught him before he left, but I felt glued to the side of my bed. But my lip was still bleeding, and when I looked down at the torn pile of clothes on my bedroom floor, I decided I would call him later. As soon as I could calm down…

“I was sexually assaulted,” I blurted out. “In high school.”

Landon’s mouth dropped open, and his face paled. “I…what?”

The snowball was rolling now, gaining size and intensity as it went. “I was a really chubby, awkward kid growing up, and kids used to make fun of me. One kid in particular. Cameron Hakes.”

Ignoring how Landon was now staring at me like an alien sitting across from him on the couch, I recalled the entire event in detail. I pressed a hand to my middle and silently begged it to relax as I described the night that changed my life. How loudly I’d screamed for help, and how nobody could hear me over the throb of bass playing upstairs.

Landon looked away. “Oh, Violet.”

I shuddered, memories of that night fleeting through my mind, leaving it scabbed and raw.

I stopped speaking, looking up through my hair at Landon, who was frozen in place, unmoving, not saying a word. An uncomfortable silence filled the room and hung between us like a cloud of thick, unmoving smog.

“Did you call the police?” he asked hoarsely, after a good two minutes of silence had passed.

Shaking my head, I fiddled with a string hanging from the end of my sleeve. “My mom decided that we needed to keep it a secret. She said I shouldn’t ruin Cameron’s life because of one drunken mistake.”

When Landon’s head jerked back, I saw that his eyes were moist. “You’re kidding.”

“I wish I were.” I watched as a vein in his neck started to bulge. “It’s not really my mom’s fault. She was raped when she was a young woman. And my grandma told her to keep it to herself. It was just natural for her to brush it under the rug.” Warm tears slid down my cheeks, and I sniffled. “I’ve never been the same. That night…it ruined me. It changed me forever.”

“It made you the person you are now,” Landon said softly. “And I love the person you are.”

“I wanted you to know what kind of woman you are with,” I said weakly.

He held me tightly. “What kind of woman is that?”

I buried my face in his chest. “A woman who’s seen some pretty ugly shit.”

His voice was thick. “A woman who fought and who survived.”

The knot in my stomach loosened, and for the first time since he’d arrived, I was able to breathe without shuddering. In the last hour, I’d managed to tell three people my secret. For the first time in weeks, I didn’t feel dirty and shameful. I felt…strong.

When I lifted my head to look him in the eye, I saw the face of someone who loved me. Someone who adored me despite how much baggage I came with. And it was a lot of baggage. His brown eyes gazed down at me with sympathy and sadness but also something else I hadn’t expected—admiration. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever had someone feel that way toward me, and the magnitude was heavy on my shoulders. Loving Landon and being loved in return was like being wrapped in a warm blanket, fresh out of the dryer.

“I haven’t scared you off yet?” I whispered.

He shook his head. “I love you, Violet. No horrible secret is going to change that.” He pressed a kiss on the top of my head.

I looked up at him and smiled for the first time in what seemed like days. So this was what love was like. My heart started to thrum, and my head swam. “I love you, too.” My arms wound around his neck, and I brushed my lips against his lightly. “Thank you.”

He cupped my face and our noses brushed together. “For what?”

I pulled back and gazed into his eyes. “For being you.”

After I stared at him for a minute, Landon’s face split into one of his telltale grins. “I have an idea. But it’s crazy.”

I crawled up onto his lap and nuzzled his neck. Landon’s arms around me felt so good. So safe. It’d been a long time since I’d felt safe. “I think I could use some crazy. We’ve been entirely too serious tonight.”

“Let’s pack for our trip,” he announced, his fingers tracing lazy circles on my back.

I raised my head and looked at him. “That’s your crazy idea?”

He nodded, his eyes wide. “Uh-huh.”

“Well, okay. I was thinking of tattoos and maybe a night ride on your bike, but—”

Landon’s eyes were wild, and it made me laugh nervously. “No. Let’s pack for Las Vegas.”

My mouth dropped. “I…uh…what about Victoria?”

His mouth twitched. “Screw Victoria. Let’s go to Vegas. We’ve both got the weekend off—let’s just do it.”

My pulse felt like a hummingbird. “For…some slots…and blackjack?”

Landon shook his head slowly, a grin teasing at his lips.

I gulped. This couldn’t really be happening. “For a Wayne Newton show and some buffets?”

Again he shook his head. “Violet, I love you.”

Oh, holy hell, it really was happening. “And I love you,” I replied carefully.

“Let’s throw caution to the wind.” He finally gave in to the urge and grinned like the Cheshire cat. “Let’s get married.”

All of the air in my lungs escaped, and I was suddenly aware of every sound in the room. The muffled sound of Betsy and Kim laughing in their bedroom. The television playing in the apartment downstairs. The tail on my Felix the Cat clock ticking back and forth.

“What?” I croaked.

Landon wriggled out from under me and slid off the couch. Before I could compute what was happening or even form a coherent sentence, he’d positioned himself on one knee in front of me.

“Violet Murphy,” he said, his eyes glistening, “you’re beautiful, you’re kind, you’re funny, and you’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.” He paused to press a kiss to my hand. “I want you. And only you. For the rest of my life.”

My ears had started ringing. “Landon—”

“I know it’s crazy, and I know it’s too soon,” he announced. “But I also know that I love you. Will you marry me, Violet?”

I sat there, frozen with one hand in his, the other pressed to my forehead, which had broken out into a cold sweat. My mind whirled. Whirled right out of that apartment in the brownstone building on Capitol Hill, across the city, to a high rise apartment on Queen Anne Hill. I was in the middle of the most important moment of my life to date, and I was picturing Gabe’s profile against the Seattle skyline as he looked out his kitchen window. When I was in Gabe’s arms, I was completely at home. Like it was the one place I was meant to be. I’d loved him for so long. Longer than I’d ever loved another human being, and despite how deeply I wanted him to love me back…but the truth was, he didn’t. He loved Alicia.

I had Landon in front of me. Who loved me inside and out, despite my ugly past and truckloads of baggage. He looked at me like I was carved out of glass and trimmed in precious gems. In Landon’s arms I was safe and adored. And damn it all if it didn’t feel good to be adored for once…instead of being the one doing all the adoring.

I opened my mouth to respond right as Kim’s and Betsy’s bedroom door swung open, hitting the wall with a crash. “Did you know that Betsy can put her whole fist in her mouth? It’s freakishly weird, and sure to lighten the mood out here. Wanna see?” Kim stopped in her tracks as soon as she spotted Landon on his knee in front of me. “Oh, holy shit on a shingle! Bets, get out here, now!”

“What? I told you now wasn’t the time for party tricks.” Betsy emerged, and her eyes widened behind her cat’s-eye glasses. “No. Freaking. Way.”

Landon gave them a wink over his shoulder. “Could you give us a minute? I’m waiting for an answer here.”

“Well, answer him!” Kim scolded me, jumping up and down.

“Shut up!” Betsy clasped her hands. “Go ahead, Violet.”

“Sorry.” Kim’s hand went over her mouth with a slap.

I couldn’t help but laugh when Landon’s round eyes met mine again. This was my life. A leopard-print couch, a David Beckham look-alike, two lesbians, and a Felix the Cat clock. Sure, it wasn’t the JumboTron at Safeco Field, but it was by far the most romantic thing I’d ever experienced. Flying to Vegas on a whim to get married?

I cleared my throat. “Can we get married by Elvis?”

“Of course.” Landon laughed. “Does that mean yes?”

Nodding, I shoved every single thought of Gabe Parker to the back of my mind and locked it up with dozens of deadbolts. I kissed Landon long and hard, letting my mind swirl and rush as he tilted his head and tangled his fingers in my hair.

“Yes,” I whispered when we pulled apart amidst Kim’s and Betsy’s cheers. “That means yes.”