Keeping Secrets in Seattle

chapter Twenty-One


July 2, 2004

When Gabe dumped me, I missed the Parkers as much as I missed Gabe’s love. My mom is always worrying about how I look when we go out to dinner. Are people staring at my midnight-black hair and nose ring? Do her clients see the tattoo I’d gotten when I came into her office unannounced? The Parkers never cared what I looked like. Nora tells me I am beautiful even though I look like an emo nightmare on the outside…

Guthrie’s, Nora’s, and Cameron’s conversation stopped as I approached. Cameron’s hooded eyes darted from my face to Gabe’s parents’. Clearly Nora and Guthrie knew nothing, as they just watched me with bemused expressions plastered on their faces, as if to say, That Violet! What a hoot!

“Well, hi, Violet, I didn’t know you were coming to see your mom today.” Nora’s smile was wide.

I didn’t answer her. Barely even heard her. Instead, I thundered up the steps to their porch, rain streaming down my face and back like tiny rivers, soaking my shirt.

As soon as my feet hit the top step, I screeched to a halt and gaped at Cameron. The ice in my veins, mixed with the pouring Seattle rain, chilled me right down into my bones. I started to shiver so violently I nearly toppled over. Cameron’s mouth opened, then shut, then opened again. Despite the southern California tan he was sporting, his face paled.

“Violet, you remember Gabe’s old friend, Cameron. Don’t you?” Guthrie said.

I wanted to say something scathing. To tell the Parkers that they were drinking coffee on their back porch with a sick, twisted rapist who deserved to be castrated, or at the very least, beaten into the deck floor, UFC style. But all of my words dried up like a puddle in the sun.

Suddenly I was at a loss. I was like a scared little girl standing in front of a huge, grotesque monster. Another shiver racked my body, but it had less to do with the rain and more to do with my worst fears being revealed with nothing between us but a barbecue and an Adirondack chair.

Nora furrowed her brow. “Cam, you remember Violet Murphy.”

The paleness on Cameron’s cheeks dissipated, and his mouth pulled back into a knowing grin. He knew that he had the upper hand. I could practically smell his sense of victory. Nobody knew. I hadn’t told. The joke was on me. “Muffin Top. Long time, no see.”

Guthrie’s head turned in his direction. “Muffin top?”

Nora glared at Cameron.

My mind whirled, though my eyes remained locked on Cameron’s. Where the hell was Gabe, and why hadn’t he canceled this visit? Oh, Lord, he wasn’t coming here to kill Cameron, then bury him in the backyard, was he?

Cameron fidgeted under my heavy gaze. His hands went into, and came out of, his pockets two or three times, and he rocked back on his heels while smiling charmingly at the Parkers. My eyes didn’t move from his face, and I hoped that my stare burned like acid on his tanned temple.

“Violet, are you all right?” Nora asked. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

My voice came out ragged and quiet. “Just a monster.”

Her head jerked back the tiniest bit. “A mon—”

“Is everything okay?” Guthrie put his coffee mug down on the wooden table under the awning and stepped out into the rain.

“No, Nora. Everything isn’t okay.” My voice quavered.

Cameron’s head snapped up. He shot a glare at me just at Guthrie glanced at him.

“Is there a problem?” Guthrie asked in his mellow, former-hippie-turned-English-professor voice.

Cameron reached for the sliding glass door. “Not sure,” he said quickly. “Excuse me, I’m gonna hit the head.”

He hadn’t gained any class over the years. Cameron was the type that grabbed girls’ backsides so hard in the hallway between classes it left bruises and spit wads of phlegm in the drinking fountains at school. My mouth opened, and a thousand insults scrolled through my head like the billboards in Times Square, but not a word came out. I was apparently frozen and mute.

Nora frowned. She’d probably forgotten how much of a pig Cameron was. “Of course. Do you remember where it is?”

“Violet, are you all right?” Guthrie’s soft voice was almost drowned out by the rain.

The sound of a car coming to a screeching halt around the house sounded, and the slam from inside the Parkers’ house when Gabe walked in was so loud that it rattled the windows. Everyone on the porch went silent. Cameron stopped with the door halfway open as Gabe became visible through the glass, lumbering through the house with his fists at his side. As he powered toward the door, his face contorted into a grimace so livid, he looked like a different person. Gabe’s shoulder bumped a picture frame as he whisked through the kitchen, and it fell to the floor and shattered. He didn’t even slow down.

Nora reached to open the glass even further. “Gabriel, we were wondering—”

“You and I are going to talk!” Gabe shouted. His finger was just inches from Cameron’s face.

Cameron’s hands immediately went out, palms up. “Whoa. Dude. It’s nice to see you, too.”

Gabe backed Cameron against the deck railing, their puffed-up chests flush.

Guthrie put a hand on either of their shoulders, and his head went from left to right half a dozen times. “Calm down. What’s going on?”

Through the corner of his eye, Gabe spotted me, and in an instant his expression flashed to concern. “Vi? Are you okay?”

I finally found my voice, though it sounded like I was speaking while a vice clamped on my throat. “I’m fine.”

Cameron’s beady eyes bounced between Gabe’s face and mine. “You’ve got the wrong idea.”

Gabe grabbed his collar, jerking him up so they were eye to eye. Cameron scrambled on the tips of his toes, his arms going to the deck railing so that he didn’t fall backward. “Do I?” Gabe growled ferociously. “Do I, Cam?”

“Someone had better explain to me what the problem is right now.” Nora was using her authoritative lawyer tone, which typically indicated that she was about to lose her cool.

My vision tunneled, and all I saw was Gabe and Cameron, locked in some sort of pre-ass-kicking embrace. “I’ve got something to say.”

“Dude. I’m out of here,” Cameron said. Sweat glistened along his hairline, and rain soaked the arm of his shirt that hung out from under the awning. “What is your problem, man?”

Gabe jerked him by his collar, and Cameron slammed into the deck railing. It groaned under the force. “You’re my problem!”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Cameron’s voice was starting to sound panicked. Sure, he’d been a wrestling star in high school, but a career in journalism and four or five years behind a desk had made the difference between his, and Gabe’s six-foot-one frame, vast. He turned to Guthrie. “Get him off of me!”

“Did you honestly think I’d never find out?” The tendons in Gabe’s neck were taut as he gave Cameron another shove. “That she’d never tell me?”

The sound of Cam’s shoes shuffling on the wooden deck was almost as loud as the rain. He looked at me for the briefest of moments, and I saw an all-too-familiar rage covering his eyes like dark clouds. “That bitch is a liar.”

“How could you have done that to her? I loved her.” Gabe pulled Cameron’s face so close that just a few centimeters separated them. Cameron’s toes were now barely touching the deck floor as Gabe exuded vehemence that practically dripped off him. The veins in his arms bulged as he worked to hold the struggling Cameron in place and fend off his father’s arm at the same time. “How many other women have you hurt? Huh? How many other girls did you lock in your bedroom in high school?”

“I never hurt anyone!” Cameron’s face turned bright red, and his struggling increased. He swung a fist at Gabe’s face and clocked him in the lip. Gabe’s face turned, but his grip on Cameron’s shirt didn’t loosen. “She’s lying!”

Nora gasped, and I seized the opportunity to squirm away. Anger swirled within me like the inside of a tornado, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Nine years was too long. I pulled my arm back, ready to punch Cameron in the face. “You rotten creep… you worthless bastard… Do you care what you put me through?” My voice broke. “You ruined my life…you ruined everything!”

Guthrie yanked his arm out from in between the two enraged men and looped it around my waist. “Violet! Stop!” He held my hands down in my lap.

Craning my neck so I could see his face, I yelled, “Let go of me right now!”

He shook his head, his eyes as big as saucers. “Not until you calm down.”

“What has gotten into everyone?” Nora bellowed, positioning herself in between me and Cameron. “What did he do?”

“I was high! I was drunk!” Cameron shrieked, throwing another swing. “She came on to me, man! Everybody saw it! She was asking for it!”

“He raped Violet,” Gabe snarled. Guthrie and Nora turned to face him, their jaws hanging open. “In high school. It happened the night we broke up.”

Nora’s arms dropped, hanging limply at her sides. “That was what happened?”

I opened my mouth to reply, but the sound of a fist hitting flesh cut me off. When I turned back to Gabe, Cameron was down on one knee, and his hands were scratching and clawing at Gabe’s midriff. Gabe’s fist slammed into Cameron’s face.

Everything started to move in slow motion. Guthrie’s arms around my middle loosened. Nora held her head, watching. And the skin split underneath Cameron’s right eye as Gabe’s fist came down four…five…six times. Bright red blood, dots as small as the tip of a pen, splattered on Gabe’s white T-shirt.

Then the slow motion effect wore off, and I found myself in the middle of a flurry of activity. Curtis and Guthrie hurtled forward to grab Gabe by his arms. Nora took Gabe’s face and told him in a trembling voice that he needed to stop before the neighbors called the police.

All I could focus on was Cameron in a heap on the deck floor, a small trickle of blood running down his cheek. Not a sight in the world could have brought me so much pleasure. As hysterical as I was, adrenaline coursing through my veins like a flooded river, part of me wanted to sing “We Are The Champions” down at his rapidly swelling face.

Gabe was pushed through the glass door, his jaw locked in place. The corner of his mouth was red and puffed out, and his pain-filled eyes met mine as his mother shut the door with a slam.

“Gabe…” I reached for the door, but Cameron scrambled to his feet and grabbed my arm. Hard.

“Who do you think you are, bringing this up now, Murphy?” he snarled. “Trying to ruin my life?”

“You mean like you ruined mine?!” I growled, pulling away. “You don’t intimidate me anymore,” I said to him, the quaking in my voice melting away. With each syllable, I felt stronger. More sure. I’d been waiting for this for nine years. “You’re lucky I didn’t ruin your life nine years ago. You should have paid for what you did to me.”

He pressed his lips together, and a nerve underneath his eye twitched. “I’m warning you, Muff—”

I turned so that I was facing Cameron head on. “You’re warning me?” I gripped the door handle so tight it could have broken off in my hand. “Actually, Cameron, I’m warning you. Stay away from my family. Stay away from my friends. And don’t you ever touch another woman like that again, or I will testify against you in whatever court, whatever state. I will see to it that you’re thrown in jail until you rot. Do you understand me?”

“You wouldn’t dare.” His breath smelled like whatever cocktail he’d consumed on the plane earlier.

“Wouldn’t I?” I gritted my teeth and returned his glare. I wouldn’t back down. Not this time. I wasn’t a terrified teenager anymore.

“Cameron, come on. You’re not wanted here. Is that clear?” Guthrie pried Cameron’s hand off my arm, and when he made a move to go through the glass door, he added, “No. You can go around. You’re not welcome in my home anymore.”

Cameron sneered at him, defeated. “But my bag—”

“Curtis, would you please go inside and get his bag?” Guthrie pulled Cameron toward the stairs. When Curtis stepped past me, Guthrie spoke again. “And would you please have Nora call a cab for him as well?”

Curtis nodded and darted into the house. Guthrie waited for Cameron to start down the stairs before turning to me and solemnly saying, “I’m so sorry, Violet.”

I shook my head, my wet hair sticking to the side of my face. “It’s over now.”

Guthrie looked at the door, the corners of his mouth pulling downward sadly. “Go find Gabe. Make sure he’s okay.”

Cameron didn’t put up a fight as Guthrie led him from the porch and around the house. His head remained ducked, his eyes fixed on the ground ahead of his feet. With every step he took away from me, a weight lifted off my shoulders. One secret out, with the very results I’d expected, done and over with. It wasn’t until I went to open the door that I realized how severely I was shaking. I looked like I was vibrating when I entered the kitchen.

Nora was holding a phone up to her ear, talking quietly to the cab company, and my mother was blowing her nose. Both of them stopped what they were doing to watch me, but I strode past them to the family room. Gabe was standing at the front windows, looking out on the street where Guthrie and Curtis were standing with their arms folded across their chests like two retirement-aged Secret Service agents. Cameron had his suitcase in one hand and stood with his back to the house, though it was clear by how hunched his shoulders remained, and how red the back of his neck was, that he was embarrassed and angry. The rage emanating from Gabe was practically palpable.

When I reached to touch his arm, he jerked his shoulder back so suddenly it startled me. His expression melted when he saw me, the anger streaming down his face like the raindrops we’d all been soaked in.

“Vi…”

And then I was in Gabe’s arms, his arms pressing me against his body so tightly I could hardly catch my breath. But I didn’t mind. I didn’t need to breathe. Gabe was here. I was here. We were both okay. That was all that mattered. Every closeted emotion I’d had toward him over the years flooded to the surface, and I nearly choked on the mass of words I had to say to him.

I love you. I’m sorry. I need you. I can’t be with anyone else, because you’re the one I’m meant to be with, and if we don’t at least try to be together again, I may as well lie down in the middle of the street and let a bus hit me, because that’s how much it’s going to hurt to keep denying my feelings for you…

Okay, that was a bit extreme. But it was time to tell Gabe what was in my heart. We were meant to be together.

“I’ll never let him hurt you again.” Gabe murmured his promises into my hair, his warm breath chasing away the chill.

“It’s okay. It’s over,” I whispered. “Are you okay?” I pulled back and brushed my finger along his swollen lip.

“I’m in better shape than he is.” He glanced out the window, where a minivan with a green-and-white checkerboard pattern painted on its door was slowing to a stop in front of the house. “I wanted to kill him.”

“I know. I did, too. But he’s gone now. We can go back to normal.”

Gabe’s jaw remained locked. “I don’t even know what normal is anymore.”

The front door swung open, and Guthrie and Curtis came into the house, their faces grim. “He’s gone,” Curtis confirmed, wiping the rain off his balding head. “He told the cabbie to take him to the airport. I don’t imagine he’ll be back anytime soon.”

Gabe’s arms dropped, and he looked at Guthrie. “I’m so sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean to lose my cool, I—”

Guthrie’s gaze traveled from his son to me. “I know you were angry, son. I’m going to go check on your mother.”

I wiped my eyes on my sleeve. “Gabe, can we talk?

“What?” When Gabe looked at me, his eyes were moist and rimmed with dark circles.

“Where have you been all week?” I asked, my chest tightening.

“Around.” He looked away. “I took a few days off of work. Drove to Bellingham and camped for a few days.”

“You had me worried sick,” I said. “Why didn’t you call Cameron and tell him not to come?”

He shook his head and his jaw clenched. “I needed some time to sort things out before I told my parents.” Gabe brought his eyes back to mine. “Before I could see you again.”

I gulped. This wasn’t going the way I’d seen it going in my head. “It didn’t occur to you to call Cameron and tell him that the wedding was off, and not to come to Seattle?”

“Talking to Cam wasn’t at the top of my list of things to do,” he said through gritted teeth. “By the time I tried calling him, he didn’t answer, and I thought it might be good to see him.”

The hair on the back of my neck stood upright. “You wanted him to come here?”

“No,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Yes. I don’t know, maybe. Part of me wanted to look him in the eye and—”

“And kick his ass on your parents’ back porch?” My voice rose, and I heard the hushed conversation in the next room stop. “Gabe, you would have put him in the hospital, and then you would be in jail.”

He scowled at me. “And you would have complained if I’d pummeled him?”

My face heated. “No.”

“Then I guess we have an understanding.” He pulled his keys out of his pocket and strode toward the door. “I have to get out of here…”

“Wait,” I said, following him through the door and back out into the rain. “Where are you going? We’re in the middle of a conversation.”

Gabe stopped but didn’t turn around and face me. “Vi, I can’t do this right now.”

“You can’t do this right now?” I yelled. “We’ve been in love with each other since we were kids. You know everything now. There are no more secrets. Why are you pushing me away?”

He turned and looked at me. “Every time I think about kissing you, about touching you, I picture Cameron hurting you, and I can’t see straight. I get nauseated.” Gabe reached for me, then let his hand drop at his side. “I do love you, Vi. I love you so much it hurts. But I just cancelled my wedding. Alicia still calls every day. I can’t get back the non-refundable deposit on the reception band. I can’t even think about starting another relationship right now.”

The hollow feeling I’d grown accustomed to over the years I’d spent watching Gabe date dozens of other women returned. I wrapped my arms around myself and drew in a sharp breath. “You love me, but you won’t be with me?”

He flinched. “Don’t take it that way. I didn’t mean it like that.”

My hard candy shell was returning, my eyes filling with disappointed tears that I refused to spill. “If you think I’m going to wait around for another nine years for you to come around, you’re kidding yourself.” An ornery tear escaped and slid down my face. I prayed that Gabe would mistake it for a raindrop.

His head tilted, and the crease between his eyes deepened. “Vi, no. Don’t cry…” Gabe’s hand came up to my cheek, and I had to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from turning my face into his palm.

I took a deliberate step backward, out of his reach. “I know I kept a horrible secret from you for entirely too long. And I’m sorry. But you haven’t been perfect, either. You say you’ve loved me for years, yet you never told me. And dammit, Gabe…” I covered my face. My words came out muffled through my shaking fingers. “Why didn’t you force me to tell you what happened? Why were you so quick to assume that I would sleep with someone else? Why didn’t you fight for me?”

Gabe watched me melt down. His shoulders shook, and I wasn’t sure if he was cold or fighting tears of his own.

I pointed at him. “Yes, I screwed up. But you did, too. You say you love me and always have, but now I’m being told to wait for you to come around, when we’re both hurting! We should be going through this together.”

“Vi,” he said, taking a step toward me.

I put up my hands. “No. I can’t do this anymore. I understand you’re upset, and that everything you thought was true was a lie. And I’m sorry for that. But I would rather be alone forever than beg the man I love to be with me.” I glanced up at the Parkers’ house, where all four of our parents were lined up at the window, watching us solemnly. “Go sort things out alone. I’m done.”

I reeled around on my heel and walked away. Gabe called my name behind me, but instead of turning around, I picked up my pace. Rainwater splattered my already soaked feet as I walked, but I didn’t care. My heart was breaking. Again.