More than once, I found her at the computer studying the pictures of her and Brian. I watched her staring intently at the screen and could see how hard she was trying to recall a memory, but nothing seemed to stimulate her recollection. Her headaches continued but I was now certain they were related to the stress of her memory loss.
She was highly emotional and my own responses simmered just below the surface. Everything was intense. One look could send her into a frenzy of tears, just as a glance from her would have me pulling her onto the nearest surface and taking her in a desperate need to imprint the memory of her skin into mine. Words that should have been exchanged and conversations that should have happened were disregarded. We were both perched precariously on an emotional ledge and neither of us was able to cope with much more. Bear spent most of his time with his head buried in his paws looking sad. He could sense the stress and sadness around us, and although he didn’t understand it, it affected him as well. He especially hated it when Rabbit would begin to sob and often his great head would bury itself in her lap in furry comfort, a soft whine coming from his throat.
Two mornings later, I looked over at the clock. It was seven. Cecilia and Trevor would be here soon. Everything was in place. A couple of hours from now, I would once again be alone. But this time I would really know just how alone I was in my secluded world.
I looked down at Rabbit who had only slept fitfully in the night again. Even though we hadn’t discussed it, I think she sensed last night was our final night together. Our lovemaking had been stained with a feeling of desperation and she had clung to me afterwards, sobbing. I had lain awake all night watching her, absorbing and memorizing all the little details of her in the light I left burning. I couldn’t stand the thought of wasting time sleeping. I would have the rest of my life to do that. I watched her briefly for a few more minutes and then leaned forward and pressed my lips softly against her forehead in a silent farewell, fighting back my emotions. I slid from the bed and grabbed some clothes. I commanded Bear to come with me and I quickly dressed with shaking hands in the kitchen, and then surprised him by snapping a leash on his collar. I stood feeling lost for a minute, then headed out to the barn.
I heard the car pull up and both Cecilia and Trevor entered the barn. Cecilia took one look at me and threw her arms around my neck in a tight hug. I patted her back awkwardly and pulled away.
I looked at Trevor. “It’s all set?”
He nodded. “I have the records in my briefcase. The care home has the originals on file. I have the statement of the person who found her and brought her into the care home. No one will question the word of Ellen or Daniel Tate. Everything is covered, Joshua.”
I nodded, unable to speak. Bear was sitting at my feet, whining in his throat, unsure as to why he was tied up and why I was so upset. I patted his head. Looking at Cecilia, I handed her a small envelope. “Make sure she gets this. Tell her to guard it carefully. No matter what. Tell her if she needs me … tell her she’ll figure it out.”
She nodded.
“Give her my grey hoodie to wear. She likes that one and it will keep her warm.” My voice broke and I turned away. “Don’t let her come out here, Cecilia. If she asks to stay … I won’t be able to let her go. I can’t watch her leave. Please.”
“I’ll take care of her, I promise, Joshua,” she spoke comfortingly.
I nodded and heard her leave.
Trevor came up to me and patted my shoulder in comfort. “I called John and he’s on his way with the chopper. I’ll make sure they are both okay, Joshua.”
I was grateful for that. But I wondered if I would ever be okay again.