Not after everything.
I have to force myself to step back and I watch as his face changes briefly, his hand as it drops to his side. I wonder if he’s felt the same thing. I wonder if the room feels like a pressure cooker to him too. I try to smile at him and he smiles back and is once again Luke. We both turn towards the door, reaching for the handle at the same time. He glances at me, and I pull my hand back so he turns it first, gesturing for me to go through. We leave his room and everything changes. The tension that was just between us stays back in his bedroom as we walk out to re-join the party. I watch as he goes into the kitchen to get us some more beers. I watch as someone comes up to see if he’s ok, before they both turn and look over at me. Before I can look away, whoever it is smiles in my direction and then turns back to Luke. Someone else hands me a drink, saying, "You look like you could use this?"
I take it gratefully.
In the end, I stay for a couple more drinks and try to have a good time. I meet a bunch of people, including the guys from his band. One of them is Jared his flatmate, the one who was talking to Luke in the kitchen, the other voice from the bathroom. Another is the guy who gave me the drink, Ben I think his name is. Apparently there is a fourth guy too but I can’t remember his name. Liam is gone and I don’t see him at all. Most of the other people I barely speak to and I don’t remember much of them anyway. Luke stays near me for the rest of the night and when I do talk, it’s mostly to him. I’m not sure if he sticks close because he really doesn’t like parties, because he’s worried about me having a good time or if it’s because of something else.
I’m not sure about a lot of things, and I’m especially not sure about what passed between us back in his bedroom.
I don’t want it to happen again, not a third time.
∞
When I was ten, Dad took me and Seth to New York for Seth’s sixteenth birthday. Seth got to take a friend but I didn’t. I complained and generally didn’t act very grown up about it all, even though I knew it was Seth’s birthday and not mine. The main reason I acted that way was because finally I had a friend I wanted to take. Finally I had someone I was close enough to that I could share this with.
I remember Dad comforting me telling me, "Ash, come on kiddo, when it’s your birthday I’ll take you somewhere and you can bring Grace along, ok?"
"Promise?" I’d asked him.
Smiling at me Dad answered, "Of course. I promise next birthday, you get to bring a friend and Seth doesn’t."
His words worked and I knew he really meant it. Unfortunately by the time my birthday rolled around, I no longer had my best friend and in the end I told Dad I didn’t want to go anywhere.
New York though, turned out to be a lot of fun. Even though I wasn’t allowed to take Grace, Seth was still nice enough to include me so I couldn’t help but have a good time. Even his friend Matt didn’t seem to mind me hanging out with them. And of course my Dad was there too.
On the last day, we were in Time’s Square when we came across the M&Ms store. Going in I remember being overwhelmed by the walls of candy, each colour separated into its own container, stretching right up to the roof. Everywhere you looked there was M&Ms merchandise – toys, bags, everything.
"Dad, can I get something for Grace?" I asked, wanting to let her know I was thinking of her even if she couldn’t be there with me.
"No chocolate though ok?" he’d answered.
"Some for me though?" I asked, hopeful.
He smiled at me, rustling my hair like he always did. "Some for you kiddo, yes."
We’d arrived back home late Sunday night and after school the following Monday, I asked Grace to come over. I hadn’t taken the bag I bought her with me to school, wanting to surprise her with it later on.
She loved it and immediately tipped all the things from her old bag onto the floor so she could use her new one. Neither of us noticed where everything went and neither of us saw the problem that could possibly occur. I was too busy trying out her new lip gloss and Grace was too excited by the present I’d bought her. She packed all her stuff in it before standing up to put it on, admiring herself in my mirror. "Thanks Asha, I really like it."
She always called me Asha, she was one of the few.
Smiling back at her I said, "I’m glad, next time you can come with us."
"Cool!"
We hung out until dinner time. We should’ve been doing homework, but we didn’t, I spent the rest of the afternoon telling her all about New York and about all the cool things we’d do when we went there. Eventually Grace had to walk home. I waved goodbye to her from the front step.