She lived in Boston but I would still see her pretty regularly. Every couple of weeks I’d go up and stay with her. She was younger than my Mom, so it was easy for us to grow close. And we used to talk about everything. She knew about the teasing at school when I was a kid, she even tried to talk to the teachers for me. She knew about Grace and what she did. She knew all about Adam too, she was the one who’d told me to be prepared, to make sure I had protection. She didn’t judge and she didn’t criticise, she was just there for me to talk to.
She was also the first person to introduce me to music, really introduce me and show me what it was all about. She taught me what music could do to you, how it could change you. My Dad had always been into the soft rock kind of stuff. My brother on the other hand, he was into rap and heavy metal. I grew up never really forming my own tastes or ideas about it, just listened to whatever they liked or put on. Selena changed all of that for me. She actually played the piano, really well. She probably could have done something with it, but instead just chose to play and enjoy it, teach it to the kids at the school she worked at. It’s not the only thing she was in to though. She also introduced me to so much punk and alternative music that from time to time I had to ask her, "Why the hell do you play so much classical?"
She would always laugh and say, "Don’t ever be a music snob Ash, there’s something in every piece, always something, even the stuff Seth and your Dad listen too. You can always learn, feel, and get something from it."
I never heard such a wide range of music as when I was with Selena.
And she was right, there was always something to be learnt or gained from a piece of music, always. It may not move you in ways like other pieces would, but it would still do something to you, and really that’s what mattered, that it affected you, that you reacted in some way, even if it was only in a small way.
∞
When I leave work this afternoon, there’s something in my locker.
It’s a flyer and a cupcake.
My heart clenches as the memory of a band flyer comes rushing back to me. This one however has a post-it stuck to the front. It’s from Luke. His band; Infinity they’re called, are playing tonight. This is the show he mentioned at his party last weekend. These are some of the people I met there. I guess he really is inviting me to come along. Apparently the cupcake is to sweeten the invitation. I take a bite, it’s delicious, god the man really can cook. My hand closes around the flyer and I put it in my pocket. As I walk out of the shop, Luke is still here for some reason and he watches me go but doesn’t say anything.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
When I get home I’m restless, agitated. I’m listening to music and I’m drinking beer, definitely a dangerous combination. I want to go out, but I know it’s a bad idea. I try to tell myself that we are not friends, we’re only work colleagues and what harm can come from me going? But I know I’m kidding myself. I know these mind games I play in my head are all bullshit too. Luke and I are not just work colleagues. We are not quite friends yet either, but there is definitely something there. I just don’t know if I can define exactly what that is.
All I know is that I’m scared. Scared of him, of being around him and very scared of what could happen if I keep doing this.
∞
When I arrived in Boston that first time to see Sam, I was really nervous. Nervous about what it meant, about seeing him again after that night we’d spent together and unsure about what exactly was going on between us now. I remember my heart was racing as I knocked on the door to his place, a little after four in the afternoon.
Someone who was definitely not Sam answered it.
"Can I help you?" this guy said.
"Ah yeah, I’m after Sam?" I replied nervously.
He nodded as if expecting me. "You’re Ash right? Yeah Sam should be on his way home from school, come on in."
This made me feel a little better. At least this person knew who I was and I was expected.
The apartment was pretty small and fairly crowded. It was obvious guys lived there too; it wasn’t the neatest of places.
"I’m Simon," the guy said to me. "Can I get you a drink?"
"Ash" I replied, although he already knew that. "And yeah thanks, that’d be great."
He came back with a couple of beers and handed one to me. Technically I wasn’t old enough to be drinking, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me. I took it gratefully and drank a big mouthful.
About four seconds later the door opened and Sam walked in. I nervously turned to look at him and when I saw the look on his face, all of my fears disappeared.
"Hey Ash, you made it," he said, a huge smile on his face as he dumped his bag, came over and grabbed me, pulling me into a hug. My body melted against his and I was reminded of the day we spent wrapped in each other’s arms on my bed before he’d come back to Boston.
"I did, thanks for the invite," I said against his shoulder.
He pulled back to look at me, pressing a kiss to my lips. "It’s really good to see you again," he whispered, before kissing me some more.
I half heard Simon groan and walk out of the room. I didn’t really care. I was just happy to be here with Sam. Relieved that he was so happy to see me and very happy about the kiss he was currently giving me. I wasn’t nervous at all anymore.
∞