Hard to Hold On

chapter Thirty-Five



Natalie



Cheesy nachos are for dinner. After making them, Nolan and I eat out on the balcony. It’s a cool night so I gather a blanket to place over my legs.

“A glass of wine for the lady,” Nolan says, placing a glass of red wine down on the table between us.

“My mom would kill me if she knew how much I drank while I was down here,” I laugh.

“Perks of having a twenty-one-year-old boyfriend.” He raises an eyebrow with a smirk before digging into his nachos. “Should I apologize for earlier?”

“What’s there to apologize for?”

“For . . . fighting in public. Now that I think about it, it makes me seem immature as hell—especially since I’ve done it around you twice.”

“There’s no need to apologize, Nolan. That’s one situation where I would expect you to fight. He deserved it.”

He lifts his fists and stares at them, smiling. “My hands got kinda f*cked up.”

“You destroyed your knuckles Nolan,” I giggle. “And his face.”

“Anything for you, babe. I’d fight over and over again if it means you’re safe.”

I smile, grabbing my wine and taking a sip. At this point I just can’t help myself. I need to tell him everything. “Do you remember when you asked me why I loved you, Nolan?”

He looks up at me, most likely confused on where I’m coming from. “Yeah . . .”

“Can I tell you now?”

He smirks, placing his bowl of nachos down slowly. He pats his lap with his palms twice, gesturing for me to climb aboard. I place my bowl down, grab my blanket, and sit on his lap. I curl against him as he leans back to get comfortable. My forehead presses against his neck and he breathes down on me, his breath tickling every bare inch of my body that’s visible, and sending goose bumps to ride along my skin.

“I’m all ears,” he mumbles.

“You have to tell me why you do as well as soon as I’m done, okay?”

“I will. Promise.” He kisses my forehead and it gives me more than enough encouragement to tell him why. I don’t even allow myself to gather my thoughts, the words just tumble out of me.

“I called my mom about you earlier,” I say, squeezing myself against his chest. “I told her during those few weeks without you, I felt so out of it. I felt so down—so lost without you. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t become happy again. Everyone noticed that I wasn’t the same. Even Harper thought she was going to have to send me back to South Carolina at one point,” I laugh. “I forced myself to move on because . . . well I thought you didn’t want me back. I thought maybe you weren’t the one for me . . . or either I wasn’t the one for you. Have you ever just wanted to hold onto someone that didn’t want to be held onto at the moment?” I ask.

He nods but remains silent.

“I felt like that with you. I wanted to call you whenever I felt lonely. I only wanted to hear your voice. My mom told me before to just give you time—to let you have your space. Space is something I didn’t want to give because I’ve always been one that wants what I want immediately. I’m spoiled, I guess, and when I have my heart set, I keep it solely on that.” I sit back to look into Nolan’s eyes, my vision blurring.

“Nolan.” I grip his hand and he brings it up to his lips to kiss my knuckles. “I will never be able to explain to you why I love you. Ever—not thoroughly anyway. There are so many reasons that if I sat here and named them all, we would be sitting here for months. I’ve fallen for you because I know we’re meant to be together. We were meant to mend one another’s hearts and cherish all we have. We’re meant to hold one another, kiss one another, see one another every day and joke around with one another—” I laugh as a few hot tears trail down my cheek.

Nolan’s head tilts as he brings a hand up to run his thumb across my cheeks. He observes me, watches as I try to hold back on the tears but it’s nearly impossible. I can’t because we’ve been through so much and I’m just now realizing it. We were so torn apart but all we needed to do was fight for each other to be put back together again.

“I understand, Bunny,” he whispers to me. Cupping my face, he brings my lips to his and kisses me fiercely, passionately. I melt against him, holding on for dear life. Never wanting to let go. The velvety textures of our tongues collide and soon after, the blanket that was on top of me has been removed.

He stands quickly with me in his arms. He stumbles his way to my bedroom but our lips never part. I can feel our hearts beating as one, our bodies craving for nothing but each other’s. My back lands on the soft sheets of my bed and he climbs on top of me, staring down at me with eyes full of want. Desire. Love.

His fingers move up my thigh as he starts his kisses at my neck. My head falls back as I embrace it. I want to feel it more than anything. “Words can never explain true love, Bunny. When you’re in love, you’re in love. After all of this time, I’ve finally figured that out.”

I bite my lower lip and pull it in but he comes up to release it with his teeth. His teeth graze against my lower lip and his hands move up my arm before he pins them above my head with one hand. The other hand reaches below to pull my shorts down. He releases his hold briefly to yank his jeans and shirt off. He helps me take mine off and then he’s on top of me again. Our flesh together creates a spark of heat within me. All I feel is desire.

An ache builds between my legs at the feel his arousal against my leg. His fingers spread, drifting up my thigh. He cups my breasts, allowing his tongue to circle around my nipple. I buck against him, wanting his mouth in more places than one. He swirls his tongue around my other nipple and as my body arcs more and more for him to be inside of me, he begins to lower himself.

Heat from his tongue circles around my navel before hitting the core. As his tongue touches my most delicate spot, I gasp heavily and braid my fingers through his silky hair. He grunts against me, his tongue swirling and sliding all at the same time. I can feel myself reaching my point but Nolan jerks back quickly.

Gripping my waist, he pulls me against him until he’s poking against me. He bends down, staring into my eyes while entwining his fingers with mine and placing them above my head. He inches closer and I crave for him the longer he’s not inside me.

And then it happens.

He strokes his way in with a grunt he’s been holding in all evening. The bandages around his knuckles are rough but I don’t care because it’s right to feel him like this. “You have no idea what you do to me, Bunny,” he whispers in my ear, making my head spin faster. “No idea how much you mean to me—how much I really love you.”

His strokes deepen and soon he releases my hands to cup my ass. My fingernails bite into the skin of his back, heavy moans releasing. The room heats up and sweat forms between us. Our lips touch continuously. We’re so close and I never want it to end.

We’re so close and all I want to do is hold on.

I never thought I could feel like this. I’ve been told that I’ve come a long way from what I used to be. From being cheated on, to having a broken heart, to mending it again with Nolan. Nolan and I are still learning from one another. We’re still cherishing what we have. We’re still young but if there’s one thing we’re sure about, it’s each other.

That break between us was both good and bad. Bad because I never wanted us to part, but good because we’ve learned a lot. It opened our eyes completely and if it happens again, we’ll know exactly how to handle it. We’ll only continue to move forward in life.

I know during the years to come, we will only continue to grow. Every relationship has its flaws, its trials. No relationship is perfect and I don’t expect ours to be. I don’t expect anything but for us to be ourselves. For us to feel as alive as we are now. As long as we’re together, that’s how it always will be.

I love Nolan Young, regardless of his past and how he used to be. I love him because he’s changed for the good. He’s changed, not only for himself, but for me as well. I’m glad he realized that it wasn’t just me who could help him. He helped himself because he wanted it—because a new start was all he needed. All he needed was one person to lead him into the right direction. One person to prove to him that happiness and love is possible—that not everyone is out to just shatter hearts. He’s proved his love to me in more ways than one and all we can do now is cherish each moment we have and grow with it.

He allowed me to be the person to prove to him that holding onto love is better than letting everything go.

And meeting Nolan Young was all I needed to prove that even through all of the pain, hurt, and tears, love will always conquer all.