All I could do was shake my head. “Sam…I don’t even know why you’re in here, because I sure as hell don’t have anything to say.”
“Well, I do,” she replied firmly. The side of my bed depressed when she sat beside me, absentmindedly letting her arm rest against mine while she gathered her thoughts. I wanted to move away, keep up the tough-guy act, but I couldn’t. It crossed my mind that this was probably the last time I’d ever get to touch her…ever.
“I owe you an apology,” she started. “When we talked last week, I let you leave that room thinking that everything that’s happened is your fault and that’s not true. Everything you’ve ever done –good and bad-has all been to protect me. That wasn’t lost on me. I know that what you did for me…with Antonio…you put a lot on the line to defend me, and…I appreciate it. All of it.”
“But you’re still leaving,” I shot back. Now my eyes were on her.
She lowered her head. “I am.”
I sighed and thought about telling her to get out.
“Because me leaving never had anything to do with my feelings for you. This is just something that I feel like I have to do.”
I chose my words carefully because I didn’t want her think I was begging her to take me with her or to stay. Not because I was too proud, but because I knew I couldn’t change her mind anyway – may as well keep my dignity intact. “And you don’t think that you can get through this with me in the picture? I don’t get that.”
“And I respect and understand that. Now I need you to respect and understand that I feel like I need to do this alone,” she countered gently, trapping me in her solemn stare.
I couldn’t do it, pretend like her leaving didn’t affect me. “This is so stupid.”
When I tried to turn my face away from hers, she placed her hand on my cheek to keep my attention. Her eyes welled with tears. “I love you with everything in me, AJ.”
It felt like the walls of my chest were squeezing me to death as I stared into those eyes. “Then how in the hell can you just leave?”
I watched as she took breath after breath, never answering that one final question. She leaned over me where I lay in bed dumfounded, and let her lips linger on mine for too long to count. One of her tears rolled down her face and onto mine before she backed away. When she hurried out of my room, she’d broken out into a full-blown cry….and I didn’t chase her. She’d taken away my options and I was forced to live with the decision that she made for the both of us.
My heart followed her out the door that day just like I knew it would, leaving a hollow shell in my chest where love once lived. I’d done all I could to stop her only to have her run anyway. It felt like I got cheated out of the life and love that I was supposed to have. She was supposed to always be mine. There was supposed to be a house in the suburbs, mornings waking up in each other’s arms, kids with her smile and eyes…..a future. Where’d all that go? Where was our ‘forever’? How did something so sure, so solid, slip through my grasp without me even realizing it? None of it made sense. But whether I could comprehend it or not, the reality of it is, she was gone.
…..What in the hell am I supposed to do now?
Epilogue
AJ
Four months later…
“Have a good one, man. ”