I left him standing there and walked to my car. The entire ride home, my mind flashed between the four images in the photos like they were emblazoned in my brain. It killed me seeing him like that with someone else…..with her. It was different when I imagined it on my own. The scene in my head was of her being very much into him and him bored to tears. But these pictures told a different story.
I tried to remind myself that this was a different time in his life before I came around, but that didn’t help. I couldn’t handle seeing him enjoying her the way he was. It made me sick to my stomach. I pulled my car into the parking lot of a fast food restaurant and opened the door just in time to stick my head out and throw up on the pavement. After a few heaves I felt well enough to continue home.
I ran straight up to my room and locked my door behind me. My stomach was still upset, but I fought it. I wanted desperately to keep my eyes open to prevent the images from coming back. I turned on my radio and grabbed a book from the desk. My phone was buzzing in my pocket, but I ignored it and kept reading. Minutes later it went off again. It wasn’t possible to talk to him right then.
I wasn’t sure how I felt. Was I angry with AJ? Did I have a right to be? Of course I didn’t have the right to be, but I was honest enough with myself to admit that I was in fact angry. Although I knew that he was with Leila long before me, it did nothing to dull the feelings that I was experiencing now. The photos made me face the reality that I’d tried to suppress. He’d shared something with her that I hadn’t shared with anyone. For some inexplicable reason, that made me feel alone. I was jealous of the way he touched her. Would I have felt so strongly about this if I weren’t still a virgin myself? Would that have softened the blow at all? Who knows? But before I knew it, I had my phone in hand and I dialed AJ’s number.
He answered on the first ring. “Hello?”
What am I doing?
“Sam, I don’t know what to say but that I’m sorry,” he explained.
“Come get me tonight,” I demanded in a dry tone. It was still unclear, even to me, what I wanted.
AJ didn’t ask any questions. “Anything you want. Twelve?”
“Yeah.”
Without another word, I flipped my phone shut and clutched it to my chest as I lay on my bed.
I followed our usual routine and met him at the corner of my street. He couldn’t even look at me when I got in the car and I didn’t bother trying to keep up any conversation. We drove to our spot near his uncle’s house and parked. I got out of the car and leaned against it, feeling the need to get a little fresh air. Behind me, I could hear AJ getting out and walking around to stand beside me. I gazed up at the stars and tried to get my thoughts together. In the cool night air I found it easier to think. AJ stood there, unsure, and I suddenly felt the onset of guilt. He really hadn’t done anything. I shouldn’t have left him standing there in the parking lot to wonder where we stood. He had nothing to do with Leila’s antics.
“I shouldn’t have got mad,” I said softly. “I just didn’t know how to handle…..”
AJ reached for my hand like he was relieved that I’d had a change of heart. “No, it was my fault. I was supposed to handle her and I should’ve done something differently,” he insisted. “She’s my problem.”
I shook my head. “AJ, listen. You laid everything out on the table from day one. That should’ve been good enough. I just overreacted.”