Thursday morning I awoke with Antonio on my mind again. When I walked into the school I found myself becoming nervous as I thought of how it would make him feel if he saw AJ and me together again. Would he overreact like last week? My stomach churned. As I rounded the corner, my heart stopped beating for a fraction of a second. Antonio and I stood face to face. He didn’t speak, only stared, giving me a chance to assess his mood. To my relief, he didn’t seem angry……only hurt. I could see in his eyes that he missed me. In that instant, I wanted to reach out to him. His eyes shifted upward and focused over my head. Curiosity caused me to turn around to see what caught his attention. It was AJ standing, staring in the middle of the hall. When I turned back around, Antonio was gone and I had to close my eyes while I got myself together before going to AJ. I walked to him slowly. His expression was softer now that Antonio was out of sight. Things didn’t have to be this way, but I didn’t know how to change it.
The Leila issue was still troubling me when lunch came around, and now there was Antonio. I sulked down to the cafeteria and observed him sitting at my old table as he stared at the wall. AJ was already seated next to Karl. I couldn’t move my feet. If Antonio saw that I was now sitting with my new boyfriend and my new friends at their table he’d be hurt. And if I decided to sit alone, AJ would assume that it was because I didn’t want Antonio to see and then he’d be hurt.
I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. As I stood there deliberating, my choice was clear. If I was going to continue to make this work with AJ, then I’d have to live in the present and leave the past behind no matter how hard that transition would be for me…..or Antonio. I walked toward AJ. It felt like I had on concrete shoes and I breathed unevenly as I sat beside him. I didn’t look back at Antonio…..I couldn’t. That would be more than I could stand. AJ looked at me curiously. “Everything alright?” He asked.
“I’m fine,” I said as convincingly as I could and then stared straight ahead. From the corner of my eye I could see Antonio leaving the cafeteria with his head down. Brian and Terrence followed close behind him. I fought against my own emotions, closed my eyes and breathed deep.
Caught up in thoughts of Antonio, I hadn’t even noticed that Leila wasn’t at our table. I leaned in toward Deanna. “Is she here today?” I whispered.
“She wasn’t in my second hour, so I guess not,” she replied. I didn’t know what to make of her absence, but with her gone that was one issue out of the way.
After school, I nearly hyperventilated when I was finally alone. It felt like I’d held my breath all day. The air burned my lungs as I panted and put my head down on the steering wheel. I fumbled with my keys and started the car. My drive home was a blur, but I’d driven the path so much that it I made it there easily. I ran up to my room and lay across my bed, praying for sleep that seemed afar off. I felt like my heart was going to jump right out of my chest. The tears that I’d been trying to suppress all day finally flowed and I cried myself unconscious……..again.