He shook his head in protest again and was getting ready to say something else when I grabbed his face in my hands and occupied his lips just to stop him from talking – at least that was my original rationale. But standing there beneath the stars, I realized that this kiss felt different. It felt like it served the sole purpose of leading up to something more, and I think he knew it too. My lips moved feverishly with his and I couldn’t quite grasp what was happening. Usually, this was all it took to satisfy me, but tonight I was looking for something else that I just couldn’t put into words.
My hands were shaking as I began to figure out where all of this was leading. I was considering taking a big leap that would mean everything between he and I would change. Whether those changes are good or bad, they were sure to come. The thought of possibly ruining a great thing made me shy away a little. It seemed like such a big risk, but the reward was too tempting to ignore.
AJ’s guard was down and I was aware of his emotions in a way I’d never been before. My mind and body were at war with one another again as I struggled against what I wanted and what was right. The deciding factor was my heart, which meant that I chose to give in to my desires regardless of what the possibilities were. I’d thought many times about how my first time would be, and I always said that I wanted to wait until the time was right. And here, on this night, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that the right time was now.
AJ’s eyes followed me to the back door as I climbed into the warm car where we’d both be more comfortable. Not questioning my actions, he walked around to the other side and got in beside me. So close to him, I could breathe him in and literally get high off of his scent as we kissed again. My quivering hand subconsciously wandered down to the zipper of his jeans, preparing to cross the point of no return. As if he’d had the same thought, AJ stopped kissing me and looked into my eyes, searching for surety. Still holding his gaze, I cautiously pulled the zipper down and answered the question in his eyes.
This was all new to me. Antonio and I only had brief conversations about intimacy, but he knew where I stood on the subject so he rarely put any kind of pressure on me. But this? This wasn’t pressure at all. I’d never wanted anything more.
At first, I was afraid to touch AJ the way I wanted to. Many thoughts and ideas had passed through my mind, but the one thing I lacked was the courage to follow through. I couldn’t even move. My hands were resting in my lap clasped together as I froze in panic. What if I did all this and then freak out like I did with Antonio? What if…….was as far as my silent line of questioning got before the sensation of AJ’s warm hand on mine stole my attention. For the first few seconds, he just held it to calm my nerves. But then something happened. Without pulling his lips away from mine, he guided my hand across his lap slowly and led me back to the zipper I’d just undone.
My head was spinning. I’d never gone this far before and had no idea what to expect aside from what I’d seen in movies. AJ hesitated for a moment and waited for me to loosen up a bit, and then, when he thought I was ready, he led me the rest of the way inside his jeans. The hairs on my arms stood on end when I first touched him. His body responded as I caressed him with a timid hand.