My heart sped up with the realization of what I’d just agreed to. AJ still had the ability to make my mind and body operate totally independent of one another. I loved his spontaneity; he was completely irrational and exciting. These were some of the reasons that I wanted him so badly.
At 6:30, Mom called me down for dinner and I’d have to work hard at not looking guilty. She’d pick up on it instantly if I faltered even for a second. I took a deep breath and walked down the stairs into the dining room just as she was putting the food out on the table. Daddy wasn’t far behind me. I sat down in my chair and stared at my plate. Get it together Sam. If you get through dinner, there’s nothing else to worry about. I cleared my throat shook off the oncoming worry. Mom joined us at the table and reached for my hand so that Daddy could bless the food. When he was finished we passed the food around and fixed our plates. Mom started off the conversation. “So, how was school today?” She asked.
“It was alright, I guess,” I replied. She looked at my face questioningly and I was grateful that she didn’t push the issue because I was in no mood to relive any of it.
She hesitated for a second before going on. “Well, as long as you’re alright.”
Daddy looked at me curiously as he listened to my mom and I talk. Did I look guilty? Did he see in my expression that I was hiding something? Did he know that I was planning to defy his rules tonight? Of course he couldn’t, but that didn’t stop me from stressing over it. I quickly looked away from him and ate my food as fast as I could. It was imperative that I get up from the table and out of their presence. When I was finished, I walked as quickly as possible to the kitchen and put my plate in the sink. My hands were in a death grip as I held the edge of the counter and closed my eyes, trying to keep myself from overreacting. Daddy knew nothing, but my guilt caused me to imagine that he knew every detail of me and AJ’s plan. I exited the kitchen, sprinted up the stairs and rushed into my room. As I stood there leaning against the door to catch my breath, I managed to convince myself that I was worrying for nothing. The hard part was over and once my parents went to sleep, they were out for the night and I’d be in the clear.
For the remainder of the evening, I stayed up in my room. At around 10:45 I heard the TV in the living room turn off and my parents were on their way up the stairs. Before going to bed Mom stopped by my room. She knocked softly and then peeked her head in. When she sat on the edge of my bed, I looked up from the magazine I was reading.
“Did everything go alright with Antonio today?” She asked.
“He wasn’t there,” I replied. “But my friends are all mad at me now – even Leslie.”
Her expression was sympathetic. “Sweetie, you can’t change how they feel. All you can do is continue to show yourself friendly and let them do whatever they’re going to do. That’s not your problem.”
“I know. It’s just hard to feel like an outsider. I sat by myself at lunch today until AJ finally came in and sat with me.”
“I understand this is hard for you, but it’s just something that you have to go through. It’s part of your process,” she explained.
“Process?” I asked.