We stood there kissing in the rain for so long that I lost track of time. As the rage and aggravation gave way to desire, the kiss slowed, deepened, and we became absorbed in the sensuality of this first intimate moment. AJ had even made me forget about the torrential rain as everything around us disappeared. When we finally separated ourselves we could only stand there staring into each other’s eyes, neither of us speaking one word. Slowly, AJ turned and walked back to his car, looking back one last time as I stood there in the rain. I watched him drive off, imaging that he was just as stunned by the passion ignited by our kiss as I was.
I could still feel his lips on mine. For the first time, I was aware of the chilling rain, but I feared that if I moved the feeling would disappear. I eventually got myself together and walked into the house. Once in my room, I was overwhelmed by a flood of emotions that brought me to tears. I closed my door and sat against it sobbing. The frustration that I felt toward myself was immense, but some of it was maybe even aimed at AJ for not keeping his promise…..or his distance. He was supposed to stay away. He was supposed to give me space so that I could keep my mind off of him while I untangled the mess of feelings that occupied my heart these days. My feelings for him were obviously becoming stronger and I was now absolutely sure of one thing…..I couldn’t leave him alone.
So what now? I asked myself this question as I sat there toiling. What about everything I’d said about not jeopardizing what I had with Antonio? Had I changed my mind that fast? The answer was yes. With one kiss, AJ not only weakened my resolve, he’d completely rearranged my whole plan. All of a sudden, I found myself feeling extremely selfish as I fought the idea of holding on to them both. But what if I got caught up? What about Antonio? Was I ready to be done with him if things didn’t end well? No…..I wasn’t ready to do that either. I frowned as I slowly began to realize how this was all going to have to play out. If I was unwilling to let go of either of them that meant that I had to be prepared to do a ton of lying and sneaking around which made my head spin just at the thought of trying to cover all my tracks.
I revised my original plan and was surprisingly content with accepting that I was going to continue to be unfaithful to Antonio so that I could have AJ too. I’d justified my actions with the realization that I had to have them both; Antonio, who I’d belong to openly, could never know what was going on; and AJ, who’d be fully aware of the entire situation and would secretly have a huge part of my heart that belonged to him too.
I lie there on the floor for hours trying to figure out where this new corrupt version of my former self came from. Neither AJ nor Antonio had any idea the type of selfish creature I was capable of being. I was putting my own feelings before anyone else’s and that sickened me, but I couldn’t help myself. No matter how bad I felt about what I was about to do, I’d made up my mind that I wouldn’t deprive myself of either one of them. Eventually I picked myself up off the floor, lay in my bed and continued to cry until sleep overtook me.
Chapter Five
When I awoke the next morning I looked a mess. My hair was flying in every direction and my eyes were still red and swollen. While I looked like everything had fallen apart on the outside, I was surprisingly calm on the inside. I’d become more keen on going through with my plan sometime during the night as I slept. In the shower, I washed away all traces of guilt and emerged a new person. In the mirror, the girl who stared back at me looked sure and confident and I realized that I was ready to do this. I drove to school without the radio on, needing my head to stay clear. As I entered the building, I reminded myself why I’d made such a hideous decision that could cost me more than I was willing to admit. There was absolutely no other way.