“Sure. What’s going on?” I asked, nervously readjusting my bag over my shoulders.
“It could be my imagination, but is something going on? You were acting a little strange in class today and yesterday when I texted you.”
“Everything’s fine. I just….” I started and then let my voice trail off. AJ’s eyes softened and my heart fluttered ever so slightly. I needed to put some distance between us – fast!
“What is it?” He asked.
This was it. I hadn’t planned to have this talk so soon, but it seemed stupid to prolong the inevitable. “Well….” I paused and shifted my weight to my other foot as I composed myself. “Remember when we were talking in my room the other day and you asked me if it would make things easier for me if…” The words got stuck in my throat and I gripped the straps of my backpack to keep him from seeing that my hands were shaking. “…..you asked me if it would make things e-easier for me if you….backed off a little.”
AJ’s expression was solemn when he answered. “Yeah, I remember.”
I started fidgeting as I felt my resolve begin to waver, but the fact still remained that I had to do this. I had to let AJ know that this…..this…..thing between us couldn’t go any further than it already had. Antonio deserved my full attention and there was no way I could give him that with my thoughts constantly centered on AJ like they had been lately.
I cleared my throat nervously. “W-well, I did some thinking and…..I think that maybe that would be best right now.” He looked at the ground and shook his head like he saw this coming. I wasn’t sure if he was getting mad or what, but I was desperate to make him understand where I was coming from. “AJ, when I’m around you I’m confused and I can’t make sense of things and I hate feeling that way. I’m doing things that just aren’t me…..lying, sneaking around. It just makes me feel like I’m going crazy; like I have split personalities or something.” He crossed his arms over his chest and stared off into the distance instead of at me while he thought. We were both silent for a long time, then I continued. “I think that I like you wayyyy more than I should and I can’t afford to take a chance on you, AJ.” My chest tightened as I bared my soul, but I wasn’t finished. “If you decide later that you don’t want this, then where will that leave me? That makes me feel really insecure about this whole thing – about letting myself feel the way I feel about you.” I paused and tried to gage his expression, but it hadn’t changed since I began my speech. “I really hope you understand what I’m trying to say.”
My heart pounded violently against my ribcage. What was he thinking? Had I said too much? Admitted too much? I felt terribly exposed having told him all of this not knowing what was going on inside his head. AJ let a few seconds pass without saying one word. I thought my heart might come through my chest.