Dr. Harp watched me, realizing from my reaction that this was new news to me. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea that you didn’t know.” His stance became awkward and uncomfortable while he stood beside me, seemingly trapped there. “I didn’t mention it to your parents or anything, but I….I honestly thought you were already aware.”
AJ’s hand was covering his face, hiding his expression from me now. I didn’t know how to respond. Dr. Harp stroked my arm consolingly as he continued. “Based on the blood test results, you were only about a month and a half to two months along. It’s possible that you hadn’t noticed the signs yet.” When he mentioned noticing signs, I forced myself to think back to see if I’d dismissed anything strange that would’ve alerted me. Suddenly, things began to make sense. The headaches, I was way more sensitive than usual, and vomiting after my break up with AJ probably had more to do with the pregnancy than with me being upset. Leila may not have ended my life, but she’d taken something way more precious. The doctor left the room without saying another word, giving AJ and me a chance to deal with the bomb he’d just dropped on the two of us. I thought back to about six or seven weeks ago when AJ and I decided to meet in the auditorium instead of going to homeroom. That was the only time that we’d been intimate since we got caught in the attic a few months back. That had to have been when it happened.
AJ leaned forward and laid his face on my hand that he was holding. I could feel his tears on my skin and wished that there was something I could do or say to take the hurt away from him. I leaned my head back and tried to make sense of Dr. Harp’s words.
There was a soft knock at the door just before Mom peeked her head inside. She immediately became concerned when she assessed the tension in the room. AJ stood abruptly and excused himself with my parents watching curiously as he left. “Is he alright?” Mom asked caringly.
I nodded in response, trying to smile to fool her into thinking that everything was fine. She and Daddy came around the bed and took their seats again. “How are you feeling? Are you in much pain?” She asked.
The answer to that question was ‘yes, more than you’ll ever know’, but it wasn’t the type of pain that she was speaking of. “No, Mom, I’m fine.” The truth was that my heart felt like it was split in two.
*****
I became concerned about AJ as time passed. He’d been gone for nearly an hour. “Daddy, would you mind going to look for A.J? I’m worried about him.”
“Sure, Baby Girl,” he replied as he stood from his chair.
Mom looked at me questioningly as she tried to uncover the truth behind what was eating away at me. “You sure everything’s alright?” She asked.
I nodded and bit the inside of my cheek to keep from crying, but it didn’t work. She didn’t know how to respond to me. She couldn’t hold me, fearing that she’d do more harm than good. I winced as my body tensed and the pain in my side returned. I fought to control myself as she watched me helplessly.
“Sweetie, tell me what I can do. Do you need me to get the doctor?” She asked panicked.
I shook my head no, and closed my eyes to steady my breathing. This was one secret that would surely break her heart and I knew that I’d have to take it to my grave. Seeing the look on her face when she caught AJ and me in the attic was enough to make me never want to disappoint her again a day in my life. So, I regained control of my emotions and opened my eyes. Daddy came back into the room and shrugged his shoulders. “I didn’t see him anywhere, but your friends want to come in to see you. You up to it?” He asked.
Honestly I wasn’t, but wallowing wasn’t going to change things. “Sure bring them in,” I replied slowly.