If you call running both of our hearts through a meat grinder, sure we had fun. If you call realizing that you love someone from your past while still being completely in love and devoted to your wife fun, yep, it was a blast.
“It was good. Would have been better if you were there,” I say, this time giving her a sincere smile. As we walk through the corridor, all three of us holding hands, I vow to give Alyssa and Jacob one hundred percent of myself each and every day. When we get home, I’m going to put in a request for family leave time so I don’t miss a moment.
When I hear Xavier and Alyssa talking as they walk through the long corridor of the ship, I rush to find the nearest exit. Call me a coward, but I’m not ready to see him yet. I need time on my own to figure out what I feel about our talk. I need time to convince myself that I didn’t feel the undeniable chemistry between us. And most of all, I need to find a way to look a dying woman in the eyes, knowing how I feel about her husband.
I’m not sure how this situation could be much worse. It’s only the second day of a four day cruise and I have no choice but to share a room with them. Maybe I could sleep during the day and spend my nights on deck.
“Miss Melanie!” a little voice squeals from behind me. Shit, didn’t hide fast enough.
“Hey, buddy! How was the boat today?” I say, turning around and giving every ounce of attention to Jacob. I can feel his father staring me down but I refuse to lift my eyes. “Did you see any fish?”
Jacob closes the distance between us, running into my arms. As I swing him back and forth, it hits me that I’m losing so much more than a client or even a friend right now. When Alyssa succumbs to the cancer, I’m losing an entire family. I love this little boy more than I ever thought possible. He and his parents have become my life this winter and I’m going to be forced to say goodbye to all of them. It’s impossible for me to bite back the tears this time. I’m so fucking sick of crying. This is a Disney cruise, it’s supposed to be an extension of the “happiest place on earth” and yet it’s where my heart has been trampled repeatedly and I’ve cried more than I can remember in recent history.
I need to do something to keep me from dwelling on the fact that I’m going to be totally alone soon. I won’t have Alyssa, Xavier and Jacob in my life, and for the first time in ten years, I won’t have Stacey to cheer me up. I still can’t wrap my head around what she did. Now that the anger has subsided, knowing that I have to confront her as soon as we’re home slays me. She was the one person I thought would be by my side forever. We’ve even joked that when we both wind up spinsters, we’ll sit around watching Wheel of Fortune, eating dinner at four in the afternoon and playing canasta until we pass out. The loss of such a silly notion shouldn’t hurt me this way.
“Hey, why don’t the two of you go to dinner and I’ll go on a date with Jacob?” I ask, knowing that the alternative is eating dinner with them and I’d rather starve at this moment. Jacob jumps up and down, begging his parents to let him come with me. We all smile at his enthusiasm, each of us seeming to forget our “grown-up problems” for the time being. “If you want, find a quiet corner and relax, I can put him to bed tonight.”
Alyssa leans in close to Xavier, whispering something in his ear. Most likely, she’s reminding him that this is the last trip she’s taking. She’s been doing that a lot lately, especially since we left for Miami. When I tried talking to her about it, she insisted that it’s just as much to remind herself to enjoy every minute of every day. She claims it’s helping her accept the fact that she’s going to die relatively soon. I don’t see it, but who am I to fight her on how she chooses to cope? He nods before crouching down to talk to his son. Seeing these simple interactions is like a knife to my heart.
Not able to stand the pain of watching how good he is with his child, even if he doubts his abilities, I turn my attention to Alyssa. She looks more run down today, even if she thinks she’s hiding it. “Everything okay?” I whisper in her ear while Xavier is occupied. I force myself to slip into caretaker mode, as much to remind myself that this is why I’m here as to check on her.
“I’m fine,” she lies. We both turn to see Jacob giggle at something Xavier says. “I pushed too hard with Jacob today. I could use a nap more than anything.” If she’s admitting to me that she’s tired, it was time for a rest hours ago. Alyssa Ross is one of the most stubborn women I know and she never admits to feeling less than well.
I haven’t mentioned anything to Xavier, and Alyssa and I don’t talk about it, but she’s been relying on pain meds more frequently for the past week as well. Even I can’t ignore the fact that it’s getting close to time.