“It’s my job to be the strong one. Am I supposed to rely on Alyssa to console me while I try to figure out how I’m supposed to raise Jacob without her? Maybe I can hold on tight to Jacob while I try to figure out what I’m going to do when I don’t have Alyssa to remind me to do the shit I constantly forget,” I grumble. There’s no choice but for me to put on a brave face, hiding the anguish behind a carefully constructed mask until late at night when I’m alone in my bedroom. Only after I know my wife and son are sleeping do I allow myself to crack.
I can’t take anymore of being surrounded by carefree tourists. I reach for Melanie’s hand, leading her off the stone path to a clearing where we can sit for a while and just be. She looks down at our joined hands, but doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t have to because the way she flinched at my touch spoke volumes. The only thing keeping her from jerking her hand away is the fact that she’s a compassionate woman who puts her own discomfort aside for the needs of others.
We find a place to sit in the grass, overlooking the crystal clear waters. While I attempt to reconcile where this woman fits in my life now, I watch her pluck blades of grass from the ground, rolling them between her fingers. That first day she showed up at my door, she was an even more beautiful version of the young woman I knew so long ago. Today, even the Bahamian sun reflecting off her skin can’t hide the exhaustion etched on her face. Fine lines that never existed before mar her features, the light in her espresso eyes is dimmed by worry. I used to wonder how it was that someone with such a tender, compassionate heart was able to get out of bed each morning and devote her life to those who were dying. While she is exactly the type of person any family in our situation should pray to have enter their lives, how does she not die a little each time a patient takes their last breath? Now that I’m paying attention, I see that it is hurting her to see what we’re going through.
“You’re going to be fine, Xavier,” she promises me, still staring at the grandiose resort in the distance. “It might not seem like it, but I know you well enough to know that you’re going to figure out how to get out of bed each day and be the best father you can be to Jacob.”
What would Melanie think if she knew that, until Alyssa was told there was nothing the doctors could do for her, I’ve been a hands-off father? I don’t know how I’m going to be there for him because I’ve had Alyssa to deal with his day-to-day needs for nearly five years. While she stayed home with him, I worked grueling hours, traveling nearly every week, and was content to be Jacob’s buddy when I was home. There have been times since November when Melanie or Alyssa have criticized me for being too tough on Jacob, but it’s the only way I can make him see that I can’t be his friend all the time anymore. I have to crack down and make sure he knows that when I tell him he needs to do something, it’s not appropriate to laugh at me, pulling out another game for us to play. Hell, the preschool we put him in just so he had friends to play with and Alyssa had a break a few days each week didn’t even know me the first time I picked him up at the end of the day. What kind of parent is that removed from his son’s life?
“That’s the whole problem. The best I know how to be isn’t enough. Hell, I still get nervous about bath time because I don’t want to burn him. He’ll go a week without me washing his hair because I don’t know how to get past the battle over getting his hair wet.” The dam in my mind has broken and every insecurity I feel when it comes to my son floods from my mouth. Melanie pulls her legs to her body, turning her face to me as rests her head on her knees. She’s not disputing a single thing I have to say, not reassuring me that I will get through this, nothing. “And worst of all, how am I supposed to respond when he asks me where his mom is? How am I going to tell him that he will never see her again?”
My body heaves with the fear and grief I’ve held in for so long. Melanie’s lithe fingers sweep away the tears I didn’t realize were freely streaming down my cheeks. I allow myself to completely crumble when I feel her body move closer to mine, her arms encircling me with love. This embrace isn’t romantic or sexual in nature, it’s pure compassion. Her comfort, her sweet assurances that I will be able to go on whispered into my ear make me feel worse than I thought possible. I don’t deserve her support after the way I treated her and yet she doesn’t hesitate to give it to me.