Xavier shakes his head again, reaching across the table for me. His thumb gently strokes the back of my hand as he speaks. “Melanie, I would never put words on paper that needed to be said to your face. How could you possibly think it was from me?”
Something that feels awfully close to shame fills my entire body. “I don’t know, I guess I let myself believe it because you cut me so deep that night. And there were things in there that I thought were between us.” There’s only one person who knew some of the little things Xavier said to me over the course of our relationship. No matter how happy I am that Xavier has a good life now, I will never forgive her for this. He was my everything and Stacey is the one who took that away from me.
I watch as Xavier slides his chair so he’s sitting closer to me at the small wrought iron table. “How could you think I would be so heartless?” I can’t bring myself to look at him to see if his eyes are filled with the sadness I hear in his voice. “Melanie, I loved you so much. That night, I was so mad at you. It wasn’t that you went to that party, although I’m not sure I will ever understand why you thought it was okay to go to a party themed around open nudity and public sex without me. It was the fact that you weren’t talking to me. When you said you needed to prove to yourself that you were still your own person, I think I hated myself more than anything.”
I make no effort to stop the tears rolling down my cheeks. Every wound has been sliced open once again. I stare out the window of the café but I don’t see anything. For the first time since I came out of the post-Xavier darkness, there’s an unbearable emptiness in my soul. Everything I thought I knew about his leaving is a lie. And now that I know the truth, there’s not a single thing I can do about it because he has moved on with his life while I’ve buried myself with my career, saying I didn’t need anything else.
“Say something,” Xavier begs. I purse my lips, trying to calm down before I speak. “Melanie, please tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I think I’m going to head back to the ship,” I say, standing. The moment I’m outside, I take off at a sprint, praying I can lose myself on one of the decks before he can catch up to me. The tears come faster and harder with every step I take. I can barely breathe but I can’t stop. I have to keeping running. I have to be somewhere far, far away from Xavier right now or I might say something I can’t take back. The worst case scenario being that I would tell him that I lied to myself. I’ve been lying for six years, every time I’ve said I don’t love him anymore.
Chapter 7
If not for the fact that Melanie’s outfit from this morning is laying on her bunk when I get back to the ship, I would be worried that she hadn’t made it back. I swear I’ve searched every corner of this damn boat looking for her, but she’s nowhere to be found. I’m wondering if it was a mistake to try to apologize to her this morning. Had I known how much pain it would cause both of us, I would have taken my regrets to the grave.
On top of that, I can’t deny the fact that I still feel something for the woman. While it’s not the same as what I share with Alyssa, today made me see that I definitely love Melanie. What type of low-life asshole does that make me? I’m on the last trip my wife will ever get to take, in one of the most beautiful places on Earth, and I’ve been slapped in the face by my past. I’m walking to dinner with Alyssa and Jacob, but the only thing I can think about is watching Melanie run from me.
I wanted to chase after her and beg her to tell me what she was thinking but I couldn’t. The time may come when we revisit the topic, but it’s unfair to both women for me to press Melanie to admit what she may or may not feel for me. At the same time, we were robbed of closure six years ago and it would be nice to have that now.
“Xavier, are you okay?” Alyssa asks, running her delicate hand down my arm. I look down at her, noticing how tired she looks today. I swear she’s lost so much weight now that I can see every single bone that’s not covered by her pink tank top and khaki shorts. Once I gave her my heart, I promised Alyssa there would be no more secrets, no lies. Now, I’m keeping one of the biggest secrets, avoiding her questions so I’m not forced to openly lie to her. And as much as I tell myself it’s to spare her the pain she doesn’t deserve to be burdened with, I know it’s to assuage my own guilt for allowing Melanie to come back into our lives.
“I’ll be fine,” I tell her, giving her a rigid smile. From the look in her light green eyes, I know I’m not fooling her. “It was just a long day.”
“Okay.” Despite her answer, I’m not foolish enough to think she’s accepting my excuse. I close my eyes, berating myself for letting this happen. “Where’s Melanie? Did the two of you have fun today?”