“I get that, but you have to be feeling something,” I press. She needs to get this out of her system before Braydon brings Jacob home. Since Christmas, he’s been more of a fixture in the house, helping with Jacob whenever Xavier is out of town. “I understand why you don’t want Xavier and Jacob to see what you’re really feeling, but this is me. I’ve been down this road before.”
I jump at the sound of Alyssa slamming the wooden spoon onto the stove. Looking over at her, I finally see something other than indifference in her eyes. “You want to know what I’m feeling? Fine, here goes,” she shouts. Even if I’m not looking forward to what she’s going to say, I’m inwardly happy to know that she’s not bottling it up anymore. “I’m fucking pissed off. I can’t fucking believe that after more than two years of treatments that left me sick, bald and twenty pounds underweight, it was all for nothing! I hate the fact that I’m not going to get to see my baby boy grow up! I want to find someone to beat the shit out of because, maybe then, I could let go of the fucking anger that’s eating away at me as much as the cancer.”
She’s slamming cabinet doors, shaking the dishes inside. If she had been in denial about what is happening, there’s no doubt she’s moved into the anger stage now. I stay in my chair, not wanting to get caught in the crossfire as she very forcefully pulls the rest of the ingredients for dinner out of the fridge.
“But you know why I don’t talk about any of that?” She slams a knife on the counter and turns to look at me as she continues her tirade. “Because it’s not going to change a fucking thing. So, I’m trying to dig deep down and find that silver fucking lining everyone talks about.”
Her head falls as she grips the edge of the counter, the anger finally out of her system, at least for now. Rushing to her side, I pull her into my arms as she cries. If she was anyone else, I would have considered this outburst healthy, but because I’ve let myself get close, I want to kick my own ass for pushing her so far. She’s hurting and I caused that pain.
“Mommy, what’s wrong?” a little voice asks. I look up to see Braydon closing the front door as Jacob runs down the front hall, leaving a trail of wet snow in his wake. I grab some towels to clean it up so Xavier won’t freak about something so minor when he walks in the door.
“How did it go?” Braydon asks as he takes off his boots. I can’t tell him. Not only is it not my place, I won’t be able to keep my own emotions in check if I talk about it. Instead, I pay more attention than necessary to wiping up the small, snowy boot prints. “Mel, look at me.”
I shake my head, wishing for the millionth time that this was just another random family. When I was in college, I worked for Braydon. He knows which buttons to push to get what he wants from me almost as well as his brother. His fingers are cold as he places them under my chin, lifting my gaze to meet his. The dip of his Adam’s apple tells me I need to work on my poker face before Xavier gets home, unless I want to hide out in Jacob’s room until he and Alyssa have a chance to talk.
“How bad is it?” Braydon asks, hugging me tightly. After he got over the initial shock of seeing me back in the house, he started warming up to me a bit. He’s become a sort of life preserver for me because I’ve been carefully avoiding talking to Stacey about anything related to work since November. Until I figure out a way to tell her that I’m working for Xavier without watching the top of her head blow off, Braydon is the only person I can talk to about how hard this situation has become for me.
“It’s not good, Bray,” I whisper, looking up to see Alyssa watching us. Jacob is now sitting on the kitchen counter helping her with dinner. She winks at me and I shake my head. While she’s no longer relentless when it comes to her wanting to see Braydon and me get together, I get the feeling it’s something she still hopes for. “It’s spreading. They won’t give a timeframe, but it’s really, really bad. Can you stay for dinner?”
“Of course,” Braydon says without hesitation. Hearing Alyssa talking to Jacob about how she sometimes gets sad because she hates being sick all the time, I pull him into the living room. Before I can figure out something to talk about, he starts speaking. “I need to apologize to you, Mel.”
We’re sitting on opposite ends of the couch, both turned toward the center. It reminds me of so many nights in the past, when Braydon would sit with me when Xavier was out of town for work. I push back the thoughts, desperate to keep the past locked away where it belongs.