Not wanting Xavier and Alyssa to fight on Christmas Eve, I told him to get Jacob ready for bed and put in a movie while I put my foot down about how the night would go. If Alyssa wants to hate me, that’s her choice, but I will do everything I can to make sure Xavier and Jacob have nothing but good memories from now until the end.
“I warned you when you first started that Xavier is a master at getting what he wants,” Alyssa whines. “How did you let him convince you that I shouldn’t go anywhere? I need this night to be perfect for them. It’s the last time…”
While I understand her feelings, I’m started to get sick of the “last time” excuse. Yes, it is, but most of us don’t have the luxury of a last time. Knowing that your life has an expiration date of sorts is a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because you can savor the time you have. The curse is that it’s easy to do exactly what Alyssa is doing now; trying to overcompensate for the lost future.
“Alyssa, listen to me.” I sit on the edge of her bed, placing my hand gently on her arm. I don’t continue until she looks at me. “Being a Norman Rockwell family isn’t going to change what’s happening. You want tonight to be perfect? Go out in the living room, curl up under a blanket with your boys and watch a movie. Fall asleep out there with both of them, even though it means Xavier won’t be able to move tomorrow morning. When Jacob wakes you up in the morning, tell him to climb up in your lap while he opens his presents from Santa. That is what they need from you right now.”
“I just want them to feel like everything is normal,” Alyssa cries. It’s the first time she’s broken down since I started working with her. I was starting to think she was some sort of droid with how stoic she is most of the time. “I’m so fucking sick of them suffering because of this shit.”
I wrap my arms around Alyssa, rocking her as she cries. “Sweetie, they aren’t going to feel like life is normal because it’s not. But I guarantee you, they’ll cherish the time with you more than they will if they have to share you with a church full of people.”
Alyssa slides over in her hospital bed, patting the plastic-coated mattress next to her. I shouldn’t sit there. I’m in way over my head as it is and I’d be well served to distance myself, remembering that she is my client. Then again, I’ve never been the smartest person in the world when it comes to emotions once I let someone in. I pull the blanket over her, creating at least a thin barrier between us before sitting down next to her.
When she leans into me, resting her head on my shoulder, I wrap my arms around her, holding her. This woman, who I didn’t want to like on any level, has weaseled her way so far inside my heart, calling her a friend is insufficient. I would like to think that the bond we share is similar to what sisters feel for one another. I close my eyes tightly, pushing back the tears I wish I could let fall.
“I need to ask you for a favor,” Alyssa whispers.
“Anything,” I say sincerely.
“On the top shelf of my closet is an angel for the tree,” she says, twisting her body to look at me. “As hard as this year is going to be for me and Xavier, next year is going to be even worse. My little boy won’t have me here for him at Christmas.”
I suck in a deep breath, scared that I know where this is headed. Part of me wishes I hadn’t told her I would do anything for her. “I need you to promise me you’ll come back and make sure they’re okay. I want you to take the angel and bring it back with you. Tell my son that the angel is from me, so he will know I’m still here with him.” Tears are streaming down both of our faces and neither of us are making a move to wipe them away.
Chapter 5
The day the doctors told me that there was nothing more they could do for me was one of the darkest I have experienced. Through two bouts of leukemia, I managed to convince myself that this was a bump in the road that I would somehow get past. After all, I have a little boy at home who needs me and a husband who finally opened himself up to me and loves me as much as I love him. What kind of God would take that away from me? Apparently, a sick and twisted one.
Now, I wake up every morning wondering if today is going to be the beginning of the end. I promised Mel when she first came that I wouldn’t focus on the fact that I’m dying, but instead on the fact that I am still alive. It’s easy to do that when she’s here. With her help, I’m still able to do a lot of things with and for Jacob. And because of her, Xavier and I have started having a date night every week.