Fire Always Burns

chapter 4

A fox sniffed the air, turning tail at the acrid smell. Rabbit noses twitched as they debated running or hiding from the implacable foe. A small black bear raised up on his hind paws, sniffing the air before lumbering away. Two deer hurried past the bear, the fear of flames gleaming in their dark eyes. The crackle and pop of the fire chased them all slowly, eating away at their homes without mercy.

I got to the restaurant early, sliding into a seat at the corner of the bar. I shrugged out of my jacket, hanging it on the back of my chair. It was warm in the restaurant, and I soaked up the heat after coming in from the cold. The night sky outside threatened snow, and the temperature was dropping quickly.

“Hey, honey. You ready for tonight? I almost feel giddy, like I'm in on a big secret,” Britney said with a giggle as she slipped behind the bar. She handed me a diet coke, leaning against the bar. I grinned at her.

“I'm a little nervous, and I'm not even the one doing anything,” I said, sipping on my soda.

“You and me both. Can I get an order of nachos?” Eli answered right behind me. I jumped, startled since I hadn't seen him come in.

“I already put your order in. They'll be out in five minutes. You two should go to your booth- they should be here soon,” Britney said, glancing towards the entrance of the restaurant.

I grabbed my drink and I scooted off to the booth with Eli. I sat with my back to the table where Andrew and Luke were going to be, but I could see everything in the mirror hanging on the wall. It was an advertisement for some sort of tequila, but it meant that I would be able to see their reflections and be close enough to hear the conversation. Britney carefully set a bowl of chips and salsa on the table, making sure we were all settled. We were going to be her easiest table that night.

Eli shifted in his seat as Andrew and his mom walked in. Audrey hung her coat on the back of her chair, shaking some snow out of her dark brown hair. She looked relatively calm and relaxed, making me wonder if Andrew had told her exactly who they were meeting for dinner. Andrew sat next to her, playing with the napkin rolled utensils. He caught my eye in the mirror and smiled, but he looked nervous. My foot started to tap nervously.

Luke walked in next, dusting the snow off his shoulders and stomping his feet on the entryway carpet. Ray was close behind, rubbing his hands up and down his arms. The restaurant was relatively quiet for a weekday evening, but Luke was still careful as he slipped between tables to sit across from Andrew. Audrey had her nose deep in the menu and didn't see them walk up to the table. Ray noticed her first, freezing at his chair, his jacket still on, staring at Audrey. I couldn't see his face, but it was obvious Luke hadn't told Ray that Audrey was going to be there.

Luke's chair scraped against the floor as he sat down and opened the menu, Audrey lowering hers to greet him. Her face paled, flushed, and paled again as she became painfully flustered. Ray sat down slowly, his jacket still on as he picked up a menu and carefully hid behind it. Audrey turned towards Andrew and shot him a look. 'If looks could kill', I thought. Her whole face distorted with displeasure. Andrew dove behind his menu, using it like a shield against his mother's glare.

“Ray, how nice to see you. Andrew didn't tell me you were joining us. He just said dinner with Luke.” Audrey's voice was polite, but cold.

“Luke forgot to mention you as well,” Ray answered with equal politeness, turning his head slightly to glare at Luke. Luke sat nonchalantly looking at his menu, running a finger down the list of burritos.

“I think I am going to get the # 17 combo tonight. What are you all getting?” Luke asked the table, lowering his menu and smiling like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“I think I am getting the #4, with chicken. Though that #17 does sound pretty delicious. Would anyone like to split some guacamole with me?” Andrew chirped back, flipping back and forth between two pages. There was a moment of silence as he waited for an answer, but both parents just stared intently at their menus pretending the other didn't exist. I could hear the sports reporter mumbling on the tv in the bar.

“The guac here is pretty good- I'll have some. Dad and I like mixing it with the salsa,” Luke said, trying to restart the conversation. The two parents hid silently behind their menus. Andrew and I exchanged worried glances through the mirror. This wasn't going as well as we had hoped.

“Welcome Millers and Wests! What can I get you all to drink?” Britney asked cheerfully as she put chips and salsa down on the table.

“Margarita for me, please,” Luke requested a little too quickly, his tone betraying his confident attitude. Britney nodded, writing it on her pad and waited for the others.

“Water,” Ray and Audrey both answered at the same time. Neither one looked up off their menus. Andrew sighed and ordered a lemonade and the guacamole. Britney smiled her waitress smile, exchanging looks with Andrew and Luke. Luke nodded slightly and Britney headed towards the kitchen. I watched their silence in the mirror, trying to think of something that would help the situation.

“Nachos,” Britney broke in cheerfully, placing the big plate in front of Eli. He licked his lips and dug in, cheese and re-fried beans spilling onto the table. I shook my head, and looked up at Britney.

“I think some tequila is needed,” I said quietly.

She nodded, leaning in to whisper. “Bartender is already on it. I told him make it a double.” She glanced behind her at their table, Audrey and Ray still hidden by menus. She shook her head, and headed to the bar picking up the waters, lemonade, and guacamole.

“Here's your guacamole. Margaritas on the way, but I thought I would get your orders into the kitchen,” Britney said to the table, getting her pen ready. Andrew started and Britney jotted down their orders and took their menus. Without their menu shields, Audrey and Ray looked uneasily around the room, avoiding any sort of contact.

“This feels awkward even from over here,” Eli whispered to me. I nodded sipping on my drink. I suddenly felt like putting my coat over my shoulders; the ice between Audrey and Ray was chilling the whole room. Britney hurried off to the kitchen, Andrew and Luke trying to keep a conversation going, but stalling on the lack of input.

“Alright folks, three margaritas,” Britney said as she returned to the table, cheerfully setting the giant cups down on the table.

“I didn't order a margarita,” Audrey said slowly. Britney played her part perfectly, her smile falling off her face like she truly had made a mistake.

“Oh no! Well, I can't bring them back to the bar,” she bit her lip and pouted. “I guess they are on me then. Enjoy!” Britney grabbed an empty chip bowl and darted away before they could say anything.

Audrey and Ray stared at the drinks for a full minute before Audrey reached out and grabbed one taking a sip. Ray followed suit, taking a long draw on his straw. Their silence was deafening. Instead of talking, the two just sat sipping their margaritas, pretending the other person didn't exist.

A big man walked by, recognizing Ray and interrupting the silence. He put his hand on Ray's shoulder and boomed, “Ray West- it's good to see you. How ya doing? I heard about the divorce- been there. Sucks."

Ray turned slowly to face him, making a grimacing smile, trying to be polite but obviously uncomfortable at being called out. The big man continued, oblivious to Ray's discomfort, "Some of the guys are getting together for the game tomorrow, if you're interested. Get ya away from it all.”

“Thanks, Nate. I'll give you a call later to let you know,” he said quickly, taking a sip of his drink. He squirmed slightly in his chair as the big man grinned and said goodbye. Audrey eyes followed Nate as he walked to the bar and greeted another group of people, inviting them to the game as well. She bit her lip as she processed her thoughts. She moved her straw to the side and took a big gulp of her drink, a sprinkle of salt sticking to her cheek as she set the glass down.

“You got a divorce?” Audrey asked.

“Yeah,” Ray answered slowly, surprised that Audrey was speaking to him. “I thought the whole town knew by now.”

“I didn't know. I'm sorry to hear it. I thought you and Barb were happy,” Audrey said carefully. She looked up thoughtfully at him, her face losing the hard edges and disdain. I noticed her margarita glass was half empty, so I caught Britney's eye and made a drinking motion. She winked and scuttled off to the bar for refills.

“Apparently not happy enough. But thank you for your concern,” Ray replied, his voice unreadable. The table went quiet again, but it didn't feel quite as cold anymore. Ray cleared his throat and asked politely, “I hear you're working at the clinic?”

“Just part time right now. I was thinking I might start teaching one of the nursing assistant classes down at the community college though,” she smiled at him. I cheered a little that the ice was breaking between them. I could have run over and kissed Nate for getting them started. Andrew's face in the mirror was priceless. The look of surprise was adorable.

“You would make a great teacher,” Ray's words slurred a little, but Audrey didn't notice. She batted her eyelashes at him. “No really, you would,” he flirted. I wished I could see Luke's face, because his back was stiff as a board, as though someone had poured cold water down his spine. Between his back and Andrew's expression, I was having a hard time not laughing at their reactions to their parent's sudden attempts at flirting.

I relaxed back into the seat, watching with amusement as the two parents talked like they were back in grade school. I kept expecting Ray to get up and pull Audrey's ponytail at any moment. Audrey sipped gently on her straw, laughing at any joke Ray told. I had never really thought of her as pretty before, but as she sat smiling at Ray, I could see why both Ray and Mr. Miller had fallen for her. That's when it struck me- I had never seen her smile like that before. It was her smile that made her beauty, and when she put it on, she was gorgeous.

Britney came with their food and fresh drinks, whisking the empty glasses away. Audrey and Ray never even questioned where the new drinks came from, they were so caught up in one another. Andrew flashed me a smile before digging into his burrito, Luke turning around to grin at the mirror as well. I wanted to get up and dance around the bar. My idea was working!

Eli grinned and offered me what was left of his nachos. I grabbed a chip, suddenly feeling hungry. Things were suddenly going better than I could have hoped. I knew there was still a long way to go, but the first step had been taken. The spark had been lit!

▪▪▪

"Do you have any idea how much my mom's head hurts right now? She is in this miserable yet happy state. It's awesome," Andrew said into his phone, laughing. It sounded good to hear him laugh.

"They were both drinking like tequila was about to be outlawed. I wonder how Ray is doing. He got sloshed- It's a good thing you guys left when you did. Ray put on a sombrero and threatened to dance on the bar," I said giggling into the phone. "Luke says he's never seen him that drunk before."

"I've never seen my mom flirt like that before. I nearly died when she started playing footsie with me," his laughter was infectious.

"So that's what that 'oh my god!' face was for!"

"That, and then Ray started playing footsie with me too!" Andrew snorted as he laughed, making me laugh harder. I hadn't felt this relaxed and happy in a long time.

"So what happens next?" I asked when I finally caught my breath, my sides aching from laughing so hard.

"Ray already asked Mom if she would like to do something this weekend," I could hear the smile in his voice.

"That's awesome!" I exclaimed, jumping up from my bed to walk around the room.

"I know. I think Luke put him up to it, but he still texted this morning saying he had a great time and if she wanted to do something this weekend. The details still need to be worked out, but it's progress," he said. I could hear him opening the refrigerator and pulling milk out and pouring it over cereal.

"I have an idea. Have you heard of the Winter Carnival they are holding this weekend at the ice skating lake in Evergreen?" I heard the milk thud onto the counter.

"I went last year. It was great, really romantic in the evening. It's perfect- Holly, you are a genius. Why'd you ever leave school? They should have just given you a degree," he said, his smile carrying through on his voice. The mention of school made me go cold.

"Great. I have to go, Andrew. I'll call you later," I said quickly and hanging up. Andrew's offhand comment made my good mood vanish quicker than lightning. I knew he didn't mean anything by it, but more than anything, I didn't want Andrew to know how badly I had botched my life. Better for him to think it was my decision than for him to know the truth.

I set my phone down on my nightstand and lay down on my bed, hiding my head under the blankets as the memories of my failure washed over me. I hated myself for screwing everything up. Shame covered me like a heavy blanket, smothering and suffocating. I wished I could just erase the last year of my life, just go back and redo it. So many mistakes. So many soul crushing mistakes.

My phone binged. Luke loves the idea of Winter Carnival.

Awesome! It was so easy to sound happy over a text.

Bing. You want to go? My heart skipped a beat, temporarily making me forget my shame. Andrew was asking me out to a romantic winter festival? I sat staring at the glowing screen in the dark of my blanket fort, trying to figure out why my heart was pounding in my chest. He was my friend. Just my friend. But...

Bing. There is a wine tasting there. Mom says I have to be the designated driver (especially after last night). You want to keep me company?

I let out a sigh of relief, feeling a strange twinge of regret settle deep in my chest. Andrew was my best friend. Nothing more. We had promised one another a long time ago that we would never go down that road, and we weren't going to. I took a deep breath and let it out, trying to get the regret out of my lungs. It hung like a mist under the blanket, so I threw off the blanket, letting the sun dispel the rest. Things always felt better in the sunshine.

Sure. I have this weekend off anyway. We'll have fun!

I tossed the phone on my bed, deciding that I needed a shower. A shower and coffee. I started thinking of the Winter Carnival. I imagined the possibilities that could happen if this went well for Audrey and Ray. Would Audrey wear a white wedding dress? I thought mint green would be better for a second marriage, but she would look beautiful in pink. I felt better thinking about them than ruminating on my past. I wanted to leave my past as far behind me as possible. I grinned as I wrote the date down on my calendar and went to start the water.