Fire Always Burns

chapter 10

Planes flew overhead, dropping red smoke to combat the black rising from the forest. Trees went up, burning like torches, lighting the sky. Thick black smoke rose, cutting into the blue sky like an evil sword, the sky losing ground the murky haze. The flames screamed and grew larger, trying to reach the sun. Ash rained down from the sky like rain, settling like soft snow on the burnt ground.

"Holly, you're the short shift so you're on restock. Aisle three," my boss called out to me as I walked in the store. I grinned as I hung my coat in the break-room and clocked in. I didn't particularly like restock, but I hadn't been able to get that stupid grin off my face since I met Andrew at the library.

I felt like I was keeping a wonderful secret. Like a kid who knows that they got their friend a perfect birthday present, I just wanted to spill the beans to everyone. I wanted to shout it on the street that Andrew Miller and I were a couple. Every time I thought about Andrew, I felt my body explode with happiness. Nothing, not even restock, was going to bring me down today.

I put my apron on and headed towards a mass of shopping carts filled with soup cans, ready to be shelved. It didn't take long for me to find a rhythm, my mind on Andrew, and I filled the shelves quickly.

"Hey Gorgeous," Andrew's voice whispered in my ear. I turned with a smile, wondering if my thoughts had called him to me. He grabbed my waist, and kissed me. I kissed him back, wanting more before remembering I was at work. I broke away, glancing around, nervous someone might see us.

"You are going to get me in trouble," I hissed, but I couldn't get the smile off my face. "I'm supposed to be working!"

He let me go, and pretended to look at the canned soup. "I just couldn't stay away. Working, huh? What kind of soup would you recommend then?"

I giggled, and kept stacking, "You are incorrigible. But I like it. I recommend the chicken noodle."

"Mmm, chicken noodle, good for the soul. I know something else good for the soul," he grinned wickedly as he tried to catch me again. I wiggled just out of his reach, poking my head out of the aisle and looking around.

"You are going to get us caught! My manager is one aisle over," I whispered, trying to frown at him. He put his hands up in mock defeat, leaning against his cart.

"Fine, I'll let you be. For now," he said as he looked me up and down. "I just can't help it. It's like this has just been bottled up inside of me for so long I can't contain it."

"Me too. I get off in an hour. You want to meet up?" I asked as I started stacking the cans again.

"Hell yes," he whispered, his eyes burning into me. I bit my lip and focused on the cans, trying not to admire the way his arms bulged in his shirt. "I'm so glad you are back. I missed you around here. You still haven't told me why you quit school, you know."

"It's not very interesting," I answered coyly, trying to hide how painful it was for me to remember. "Besides, a girl needs her secrets." He grinned, his eyes absorbing me.

"I want to know all your secrets. I want to know all of you," he said huskily. I could feel my temperature rising the closer he got to me. If we weren't in a public place...

"Excuse me, Holly- do you know where the prenatal vitamins are?" A female voice interrupted. I looked up to see Louise Fletcher at the end of the aisle with a basket on her arm. She looked exhausted.

"Sure, they're over by the pharmacy against the wall next to the cold medicines. I think we have ones with fish oil too. Do you want me to show you?" I asked, slipping back into work mode.

"No, I think I can find them. Thanks." She smiled meekly and headed towards the pharmacy. Something about her was different than I remembered. Had she put on weight?

"I can't believe that girl," Andrew said as I picked up a can and put it on the shelf. I turned to see a look of disgust on his face.

"What do you mean? Louise has always been a little weird, but she's nice enough."

"You haven't heard? She's pregnant. She got knocked up by Jimmy Haskins at a party a couple of months ago," he crossed his arms and leaned back against the shelf. "I mean, I heard rumors about her in high school, but seriously? How could she be that stupid? Birth control is pretty easy these days."

I felt the wind knock out of me like I had been punched in the stomach. "Maybe it was an accident. Accidents happen. That doesn't make her a bad person," I said carefully.

"No, it makes her stupid. She wasn't even sure it was Jimmy until he told her it was. She got so trashed at a party that she was flinging herself at anything with a dick. This isn't the first time she couldn't remember who she was with. I can't stand girls like her," he said with a grimace. "I could never be with someone like that."

I glanced back at him and wanted to run. His handsome face held such contempt and disgust. I felt the floor fall out from beneath me. If he knew what I had done...

"I'm glad you're not like that, Holly," he made a disgusted noise. He turned back towards me, sudden concern in his voice. "You alright? You look a little pale."

"I'm fine. I just don't feel very good. I think my lunch isn't agreeing with me," I lied as I kept putting cans up on the shelf, trying to keep my hands steady.

"I'm sorry. Can I do anything?" he asked, putting his hands on my hips. I felt disgusted with myself, unworthy of his touch.

"No, I think I just need a nap, maybe some fluids or something," I said. I couldn't look at him. If that was what he thought of sweet Louise, what would he think of me if he knew my secret?

"Do you want me to go get your manager? I mean, you don't look good at all," Andrew said, his face full of concern. "You look like you might hurl at any second."

"Yeah, I think I should just go home," I said quickly. He nodded and went to find my manager. I walked slowly to the break room, my guts twisting up inside of me. I had wanted to tell Andrew everything, but I couldn't tell him now. I couldn't tell him why I was back in Conifer without losing him.

"He says you can go on home. Do you want me to drive you?" Andrew asked as I came out with my coat. I shook my head, and smiled half-heartedly.

"I'll be fine. I'll see you later though, okay?" I didn't wait for him to answer as I headed to the door, passing Louise on my way out. She smiled at me, her eyes sad with a defeat she didn't know we shared.

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I lay in bed, my stomach rolling. Andrew had texted me twice to make sure I had gotten home and to see if I needed anything. I needed a new me. I needed my past to change or at least a way to forget it. I closed my eyes, the last year of my life haunting me.

I woke up, the room unfamiliar. My stomach felt awful and my head buzzed like a it was full of bees. A masculine arm lay draped across my stomach, the owner snoring softly into his pillow. I didn't remember his name, but it didn't matter. He had bought me the drinks and I seemed to remember thinking he was cute. But that could have been the guy two nights ago.

I carefully slipped out from under his arm, moving slowly- more to keep my stomach contents down than fear of waking him. His place was a mess- dirty underwear, empty bowls, pizza boxes, and beer cans littered the floor. I found my skirt tossed in a corner, a dark stain on the hem. Were we drinking red wine? I couldn't remember, but I slid the skirt on anyway and searched for the rest of my clothes.

I found most of them, grabbed my purse and my phone and snuck out of the room. I saw a bathroom at the end of the hall, my bladder about to explode. The bathroom was worse than the bedroom. I contemplated taking pictures to bring to my biology professor so he could identify a new species of mold.

Biology. The biology test was today. Shit.

I looked down at my watch and felt dread settle in the pit of my stomach like molten lead. The test was at 9am. It was already past 10. I was going to fail biology. I had never failed a class in my life.

Freshman year I started out like every innocent freshman, eager and ready to learn. The first semester I was a good student. How I wished I could have just stayed that way. I found I loved the freedom being on my own gave me. It didn't take long for me to realize that I could skip a class here and there and still pass. I slowly stopped going to class, finding going out more fun than studying.

Everything felt good. The world was spinning and he was kissing me. It was nice to be kissed. No one had ever kissed me like this. I took another sip, the golden liquid searing through me and giving me courage. I let my inhibitions go, the world mine to experience.

If I had just stopped there, it would have been alright. But I didn't. One party led to another to another. I felt free. I could do no wrong. Freshman year ended and I still made all A's and B's. I only felt a small twinge of guilt at the Bs, but I still had my scholarship. I felt like I was balancing work and play, the adult world opening up to me.

I walked back to my dorm room, ignoring the stares as I headed towards my small room. The small square room I shared was empty and I was grateful. I stripped down, throwing my clothes in a hamper in the corner of the room by my bed and wrapping my robe around me. I just wanted to get clean. To get the stench of alcohol and smoke out of my hair and skin. I didn't think it was supposed to be like this.

They say that a girl's first time should be special. They say that it should be full of love and tenderness. My first time was with a boy who was too drunk to remember my name in the bathroom of a frat house. It wasn't special, but it was a first.

I don't remember the names of all of them. Sometimes I spent the night, sometimes I didn't. My roommate got used to me not being there. My grades started slipping. I missed classes, then quizzes, and then tests. I had never failed anything in my life, but now I was barely passing half my classes. The only time I felt better was when I drank. That's when I met Bobby.

Bobby Wilcox was gorgeous. Tall, blonde, and handsome, he had girls swooning over him as soon as they saw him. I was no different. I met him at a party and couldn't get enough. He told me he loved me. I believed him and for a time believed that we would live happily ever after.

We were happy for a time. I had called Andrew singing Bobby's praises at first. He was handsome, he was rich, he was good to me. I had stopped calling Andrew when things starting going bad. I never told anyone the things Bobby called me. I thought I deserved them. I would have done anything for his praise.

"That's it, you little whore, that's a good girl," he had said smearing the tears on my cheek. I stood on shaky legs. I knew love wasn't supposed to be like this, but Bobby would never hurt me. He loved me. "Now, who's next?" he called out to his friends as he offered me up to them. If this would make him happy, I would do it.

He convinced me to do things that I'm not proud of. He convinced me I was worthless and that only he could love me. I believed him. I trusted him.

I felt dizzy. I hadn't been eating and now I struggled to keep the little I did eat down. Something was wrong with me. Then it hit me. I hadn't had my period this month. I was two weeks late. I sat down and started to cry. I looked at my life and wondered how I got to this. I knew I was smarter than this. I hadn't been raised this way; I knew better than to put myself in this situation. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't even 100% sure who the father was. I told Bobby that I was late. He laughed and told me to get it fixed. I hit him, but he just kept laughing, calling me names.

I skipped the rest of my classes that week. I missed tests. I couldn't concentrate. It felt like someone else was living my life; I was just an observer watching a troubled girl spiral out of control. I stopped drinking. I stopped going to the parties. No one missed me. None of my so called friends ever checked up on me.

After a week of crying and being alone, I called the only person I knew would come and protect me from the world.

"Luke, I'm in trouble."

Luke was there in less than an hour. I wondered how much he had sped to get here that fast. I wished I would have called him months ago. I told him everything and he just held me and let me cry. For the first time in months, I felt like someone actually cared. He threatened to beat Bobby up, but I knew it wouldn't do any good, though the idea at least made me smile.

Luke walked me to the grocery store down the street and I bought a pregnancy test. The pimply faced clerk eyed me judgmentally as I counted out my change. We walked the stadium three times before I got the courage to go into a campus bathroom. Luke promised me no matter what the result was, he was there for me. I didn't have to do this alone. He held my hand while I waited to see my future. I knew something was going to have to change. It was the longest three minutes of my life.

It came back negative.

I failed every class that semester. I lost my scholarship. I lost everything I had worked for. I had lost myself. I had no idea who I was anymore. What would have happened if it had been positive? What would I have done? Could I have gone home, to my dad, to my friends, carrying this child? What would I have done for money? Would I have kept the baby, or given it up for adoption? How could I have been so blind? How could I have thought that was love? Why would someone treat me like that? What kind of person was I to get in this situation in the first place? So many questions that I didn't know the answers to, questions I shouldn't have needed to ask in the first place.

I needed to find my way again, so I came home to start from the beginning. Luke never said a word to anyone. He let me tell everyone that college was harder than I had expected and I didn't want to do it anymore. Andrew accepted it easily, welcoming me home with open arms.

My dad never asked for more either, but I knew he suspected something. He had helped me unpack into my old room, watching me with sad eyes. I spent the first week home in shame, seeing accusation in everyone's eyes. Everywhere I went all I could see was other people's pity. At least they only thought I couldn't hack it at college. I preferred that to them knowing how poorly I had chosen my path.

I was no better than Louise. I saw the way Andrew looked at her, the disgust in his voice at her decisions. I was the same as Louise. I had almost been in her shoes, almost had that life. One party too many, one drink too many, one guy too many. One mistake too many. I couldn't lose Andrew, the one person who still believed in me, who didn't see me as a complete failure. Andrew saw the potential in me. The idea that he would look at me the way he looked at Louise scared me worse than anything.

I couldn't tell him. I would keep my dirty secret to myself. If he didn't know, he couldn't be disappointed in me. I could feel secrets beginning to pile up around me, but if I told him, he would never speak to me again. And that was worse than anything I could imagine.