Fire Always Burns

chapter 13

The fire roared its dominance, throwing flame to the sky like fireworks. Light and shadow danced as the fire advanced, never stopping, never ceasing. Its hunger grew with every tree consumed, every blade of grass devoured.

I sat under the shade of a tree for a long time. Time lost meaning, my world ticking by on the regular interval of screams of the happy people on the coaster. I watched happy couples stroll by, hand in hand. Families with children running by. Teenagers giggling with friends. Laughter everywhere but in my dark little corner.

"Holly?" Ray's voice cut through the fog in my head like headlights. I looked up, knowing my face was tear stained and miserable. Mascara lined the collar of my shirt from me wiping my eyes. "Holly, are you okay?"

I shook my head no, not trusting my voice. My throat hurt from crying. I didn't think I had any more tears left in me. Ray came and sat next to me on the grass, close enough to hear me whisper but not touching. I noticed his face was pale, the handsomeness I had noted the other day was gone. He looked old and tired.

"I heard you and Andrew had a fight?" he said, staring straight ahead, his hands on his knees. I nodded, wrapping my arms around my knees in a ball of misery.

"Me and Audrey too. Apparently, today was not a good day for either of us," he sighed and looked up at the sky. It seemed strange that it was still so beautifully blue even though we felt so terrible. "Audrey took Andrew home. I called Luke. He's going to come pick us up," he stated softly. I felt a tear I didn't know I still had run down my cheek. Nothing was going right today.

"Luke's mad at me too," I whispered. My voice hurt.

"I know. He said that you promised not to date Andrew. Well, at least he won't be mad about you dating him anymore," he said trying to make fun of the situation. I just stared at him, my heart hurting too much to do anything else. Ray didn't know that this was exactly the situation we were trying to avoid all those years. His face fell back into sadness as he looked at me, "Sorry. I'm no good at this."

"Me neither," I said softly. A series of screams washed over us. "What happened with you and Audrey? I know you were arguing this morning about something, but it didn't seem that serious," I asked as rested my head on my knee. It felt nice to have someone to talk to, even if it wasn't something pleasant to talk about.

"Old wounds. Yesterday, I asked her something she wasn't ready for. Today it blew up it my face. Again. Maybe I'll learn someday," he said with a sigh. "I don't really want to talk about it."

I nodded. I didn't want to talk about it either. We sat there, both of us heartbroken and damaged in the grass watching the world go by. We didn't talk again, we didn't need to. We both hurt, but it hurt less to have someone there. We had a silent conversation, neither of us needing to speak but just needing to be heard. I was glad he was there.

Ray's phone rang. He actually had an old school phone ring as his ring-tone and something about that made me smile. It suited him.

"Luke's at the main gate. You ready?" he asked, standing slowly. He offered me a hand to stand. It was warm and solid; it felt good to have a connection to the living world. I dusted myself off and followed him through the park, watching the happy people like they were an alien species I couldn't understand.

Luke was leaning against the passenger side door of his beat up Camry. My feet faltered. I didn't want to face him. Ray glanced quickly between us and mumbled something about needing a bathroom and darted off to find a restroom. I stood exposed as Luke closed the distance between us. My heart rose into my throat and I felt sick.

Luke wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. I stood still as a statue, my brain too confused to do anything else. After a moment he put both hands on my shoulders and ducked his tall frame down to look me in the eye. I felt too much shame to look at him.

"Holly, you know I can't stay mad at you when you've been crying," he bent lower, trying to make eye contact. "Come here. This, too, will turn out alright in the end," he said pulling me in for another hug.

"I'm so sorry Luke. I never meant for any of this to happen," I said in a broken voice.

"It's okay. I forgive you. I just didn't want any of us to get hurt," he murmured into my hair. I appreciated that he never said "I told you so."

I sucked in a deep breath of him, his smell comforting and familiar. Leather, sawdust, and something that was just Luke. My walls broke again, knowing that Luke, my big brother, would never let me fall. I sobbed into his chest, as he held me close, rocking gently and murmuring into my hair.

Luke slowly released me as my sobs subsided. I didn't know I had any tears left, but I was now thoroughly drained. I just wanted to sleep. To sleep and wake up and have this be a bad dream. Luke guided me to the backseat of his car, Ray already in the passenger seat. He looked at me with eyes filled with sympathy and shared pain as Luke got in the driver's seat and started the car.

As we turned onto the highway, I could feel my eyes getting heavy. I didn't want to feel anymore and sleep beckoned to me. I rested my head against the window, the world blurring quickly as I drifted off. I could hear the radio singing softly, my tired mind picking up on the familiar lyrics. Elton John's voice sang "Your Song" like he was in the car.

I heard Ray take a shaky breath and I could see tears on his face. His breathing was uneven as he switched the radio off and we drove in silence. I closed my eyes and prayed for sleep. I didn't want anymore pain today.

▪▪▪

I'm sorry. Please call me.

I sighed. I had sent him that message everyday for the past week and a half. He hadn't responded back yet. I wanted to cry.

"You texting him again?" Luke leaned against the door frame, sunlight streaming around him. My lips scrunched to the side as I nodded. I couldn't help the bitter expression. Luke crossed his arms. "You just have to give him some time. You dropped a bomb on him, and he is still trying to figure out what just happened. He'll come around."

"That's what you said last week. I just wish he would at least let me explain," I said with a pout, flipping my phone around in my hands.

"Holly, just give him time. He is hurting too," Luke said quietly. I put my phone in my pocket and walked outside. Luke's eyes followed me as I walked past him through the door, his arms still crossed.

It was beautiful outside. A perfect spring day in May. The news ran stories every night about how little snow we had received this year, but it was hard to complain when it was so gorgeous outside. The sky turned bluer every day as the heat of summer approached. Even though it was only May, I was wearing short sleeved shirts. The sun felt deliciously warm on my skin as I leaned up against the railing and looked out at the pine trees. This summer was going to be miserable. I could already feel the dryness in the air, the grass turning browner instead of green. I couldn't remember a spring this warm.

"Eli says it is so hot down in the city he has already turned on his air conditioning," Luke shook his head, talking about the weather as though he had read my mind. He stepped out onto the porch and sat down on the porch swing, his long legs bending awkwardly as he pushed himself backwards and forwards.

"And they say global warming isn't real," I said keeping my face straight. Luke rolled his eyes and stared off towards a group of aspen trees.

"You should come volunteer at the Fire Department pancake breakfast next week. It will be Tyler's last weekend here before Mom moves to California with him. He would love to hang out with you and we need a few more people to dish pancakes. It would give you something more productive to do than text Andrew," he looked at me with his eyebrows raised. "It'll be fun!"

"Will you take me for a ride in the fire truck?" I asked hopefully.

"We are giving rides to all the kids who come. If you volunteer, I'll let you honk the horn," he bartered with a grin.

"Can I wear your fire hat?"

"Only if you save me extra pancakes."

"Done. Count me in." I smiled. It would be something better to do rather than sit around and wait for my life to return to normal. Time I didn't have to sit and think about him. Besides, it was always fun to watch Luke and the other volunteer fire fighters show the kids the trucks and drive around the neighborhood. I looked at Luke as he sat swinging on the swing, glad to have a friend like him to keep me busy. "Hey Luke, I'm glad we're okay again. I missed having you around," I said quietly.

"I missed you too. Don't think I'm not still a little miffed at you, but Tyler said I should forgive you. He says I can be a little over-protective," he looked up at me, his hazel eyes catching mine.

"Tyler's a smart kid. How's he doing with the whole moving thing?" I asked. Luke's face dimmed a little.

"He's putting on a brave face and trying to be optimistic about it. He really doesn't want to go. I'm trying to figure out some of this legal mumbo jumbo, but I haven't gotten very far. Dad's trying to get the lawyers to do something, but, this divorce stuff is complicated," he said with a shrug.

"How's your mom?" I asked curiously.

"She's fine. I think she is starting to feel a little guilty about taking Tyler away from his friends. Unfortunately not guilty enough to stop. I'm going to keep working at her," he answered. He stared out at the trees, both of us listening to the wind for a moment.

"Are Ray and Audrey are still fighting?" I asked. Shadow barked in the distance.

"Yup, worse than ever. I actually wanted to talk to you about that. My dad had a couple of beers the other night and I found out why they broke up the first time," he said leaning forward. I sat down next to him on the porch swing, interested in what could have torn them apart.

"I couldn't get much out of him, but my dad said something about Audrey wanting to be a party girl, and you know him. He isn't exactly the partying type," Luke said. I nodded. I had been surprised by the number of dates Audrey and Ray went on that involved going out on the town; he always struck me as reserved and kind of shy.

"So apparently in college, Audrey made some decisions that Dad didn't agree with. She didn't want to get married until she graduated. She wanted some space. Dad didn't want to wait anymore. They had a big fight and broke up. I didn't pry too much more because I was just glad to get him talking."

Luke paused for a moment, and then spoke slowly, "There's more though. I've known for a while that I wasn't exactly planned. It didn't take a genius to figure it out, since I was born three months after Mom and Dad got married. What I didn't know is that Andrew wasn't exactly planned either."

"Wait, what? How?" I said confused. Luke took a deep breath. As he spoke I could see it in my head.

Audrey poured another shot from the bottle on the table. The room was all smoke and darkness while music played too loud from the boombox in the corner. Audrey leaned against the wall, drinking shots like water. The house party was beginning to fill as the night got darker, so she didn't even bother looking up when someone slid into the spot next to her.

"A pretty lady like you shouldn't drink alone," said the handsome stranger next to her. She didn't feel like being social, but at the same time she didn't want to be alone either. She looked him up and down, taking him in. He was tall, with light brown hair and striking blue eyes. Something about his easy smile drew her in. She could do much worse, and tonight of all nights she didn't want to go home alone.

"Well, you should have a shot with me so I'm not drinking alone," she said smiling. The handsome man held out his cup for her to pour a shot for him. It splashed a little as she poured the bottle.

"What are we drinking to?" he asked as he raised his glass towards hers.

"To forgetting," she said after a moment. He clinked her glass and they both gulped the liquid. She poured another right away, offering some to the stranger. He held his glass steady for more.

"What would someone as pretty as you need to forget?" She squinted her eyes at him, debating whether or not she should tell him. His smile seemed nice enough. The night was still young enough to find someone else if he left.

"My ex-boyfriend is getting married today," she said, watching to see his reaction. He simply nodded and took her bottle, pouring her another shot.

"Maybe I can help you forget then," he purred. She clinked her cup against his.

"He is a pretty hard guy to forget," she said, looking up at him through her eyelashes. He grinned and moved in closer.

"Then I'll give you something to remember," he whispered in her ear. She shivered, anticipation and instant desire flowing through her. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the heartache. Maybe it was just plain loneliness, but she wanted him. She craved him, her body aching to be loved. Maybe it would let her forget.

"My name's Audrey," she said putting her hand out. He took and instead of shaking it, brought it to his lips and kissed it. She giggled.

"I'm Charlie."

"You mean, Andrew was an accident?" the words felt strange in my mouth. "Does Andrew know?" Luke shook his head.

"I don't think so. My dad didn't say it explicitly, but with what I could get out of him and the timing- it is too close to be coincidence," he said.

"Is that the reason they're fighting?" I asked. My brain was still trying to figure out the repercussions of what Luke had just told me. Somewhere in the pit of my stomach, acid began to boil.

"No, it was just something that came up. I think they just never really worked out why they broke up in the first place. I don't think they even know why they are fighting," he said with a sigh. "It sucks. They were really happy for awhile there. I thought your master plan was going to work for sure."

"It sure seemed that way. Wow, so Andrew was an accident." I couldn't seem to get past it. Luke just looked at me. "I mean, he's mad at me for being in the same situation that his mom was in. It's so hypocritical."

"It's not hypocritical if he doesn't know, Holly," he said softly. I stood up and started pacing the deck. My stomach rolled, my hands were sweaty. I wondered if I was going to get sick. I put my hands on the deck railing, and took a deep breath. The air smelled like pine trees and dust.

"I hate this. I want to be angry with him, but I'm just angry with myself," I wanted to cry. It didn't feel right to have Andrew angry with me. I wanted more than anything to go back and change things. My anger fizzled quickly, leaving me feeling hollow "Do you think if I had told him, things would have turned out differently?"

"I don't know Holly. Maybe. Maybe things would have turned out just the same or worse. There isn't anything to be gained by worrying about the should-have-could-haves," Luke answered patiently. I must have asked him that question everyday this week.

"I know. I'm just frustrated. Thank you for everything Luke. Thanks for putting up with me," I said as he stood up and stretched.

"Just keep giving it time," he said. He cracked his knuckles and opened the door back to the house. "I have to get going, my shift at the hardware store starts soon. Stop by the station sometime this week and put your name on the volunteer list. You want to carpool? I'll drive."

"Sounds good to me. I won't have a car this weekend, so I'll sign up on Monday," I answered.

"Why won't you have a car?" Luke asked pausing at the door.

"Mine is in the shop and Dad has to work this week. I have the weekend off, so I am just going to hang out here," I sat down on the swing. "You know, work on my tan and catch up on some reading."

"Oh, okay. I'm on fire duty all this weekend, but if you get bored, give me a call." He gave her one last look. "Alright then, I'm off," he said with a wave as he shut the door behind him. I was glad we were speaking again. At least one thing was right in my world. I stretched out on the swing, feeling the warm sunshine. The air was dusty and dry, the wood warm on my back. I lay there and contemplated what I had just heard from Luke.

It seemed so strange. Andrew was an accident. I guess it explained why Audrey and Charlie never had more kids. It was sad though. Audrey and Ray could have been happy together. They even got a second chance, but they were letting it fall apart over a twenty year old argument.

I glanced at my phone, hoping Andrew had texted me back. The screen stayed blank. I sighed and put it back in my pocket. This wasn't something that was going to be fixed easily. I had betrayed his trust. I felt my shame threatening to overwhelm me again, and this time there wasn't anyone to stop it. All I could see was the revulsion on his face when he thought I had been pregnant and didn't know the father. It was good he didn't know the things Bobby had done to me.

The swing creaked gently as a soft breeze came up the mountain. It was peaceful here. I closed my eyes and tried to absorb it into my soul. I could see all my mistakes lined up neatly and then they all fell like dominoes to squish me. I couldn't run from my past. I had to live up to it. Hiding from it had only made things worse.

I promised myself that if Andrew started talking to me again, I would tell him everything. Even the parts I didn't want to tell. He would know all of it because it was a part of me now. I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice.

I checked my phone again knowing that I hadn't heard or felt it. I just wanted it to ring. I wanted to move on, but I trapped by the past. It felt like an overgrown forest closing in around me. I couldn't seem to escape and I needed a hero.